This morning I rolled gently out of bed 20-plus kilometres from the Melbourne GPO. I went to the gym, showered, cooked an egg and walked the dog. Then I slipped into my comfiest Uggs and commuted 15 steps to my desk, where my cat was already purring. As I opened my laptop, sun streaming through my window in my own living room, I thought: “I would trade it all for a coffee.”
This is one of the proposals outlined by Anthony “Kouta” Koutoufides in a new four-part plan for his lord mayorship. If elected, he promises to shout a coffee to everyone who comes into the central business district for work on Mondays. “People can come here, line up,” he says in a barely-audible video in which he has a totally impromptu conversation with a city barista. “They don’t have to pay and you guys get all the revenue.”
Kouta’s plan addresses a very real problem. Mondays and Fridays are CBD deadzones. Many city businesses – especially small ones – have never recovered from lockdown, and those still operating are foundering. Rent is high. Revenue is low. Empty buildings see almost no passing foot traffic. The buzzing, creative city where people only occasionally got knifed outside a club is long gone, and so is its economic viability.
Bringing back crowds would be a welcome relief for the traders who remain. More workers mean more sushi, more smoothies, more kimchi. They mean team outings and picking up something for dinner and getting a Father’s Day present. An extra day of trade would deliver a real uplift to CBD business.
Can free coffee make a difference? I know it’s expensive. I don’t drink it but I read on the internet that a simple oat latte could set you back as much as $7.50, which is fully one-third of a CityLink day pass. But I mean, it’s not the kind of money that makes a difference to a family living in Caroline Springs, where public transport has never materialised. Workers in Officer aren’t going to spend precious hours bumper-to-bumper on the Monash because a hot brew is waiting for them at the other end. The reward must be at least as valuable as seeing your children before they go to bed.
So, as an incentive, free coffee is not serious. The price of one hot java barely registers against tolls, petrol, parking and public transport, and that’s before we even touch on the many other benefits of flexible working (daylight hours, time for medical appointments, reduced environmental impact and so on). A single cup of joe on the worst day of the week will not encourage people to the CBD.
Unless, of course, they’re already there.
Kouta is campaigning for lord mayor: a position decided by people who rent, own or have commercial interest within the City of Melbourne – approximately Carlton to Port Melbourne. A lot of these people are, by definition, already in the city on a Monday. They’re not slumming it in middle suburbia with the rest of us, choosing to start their week not paying $10.60 to simmer in BO on the train. But they are voting in the October election.
Did you ever have student council elections at school? There was always that one kid – maybe he was on the football team – who came up with popular ideas. This guy told stories about filling water fountains with Coke, or banning homework, or calling teachers by their first names.
These kids cleverly spoke the language of their constituents to win votes. They gave other students something to hope for.
But the finer details – like how will this work in practice, how much will it cost and what about if you don’t even like Coke – somehow gets overlooked in the excitement of the announcement.
Kouta’s free bean utopia is a student council speech. Coffee is synonymous with thriving in Melbourne. His is not a good idea but it is a nice idea, in the same way The Parent Trap was a nice idea. It might not work as proposed but that doesn’t matter; it only matters that the people who live and work there believe it will.
He has made it easy, however briefly, to imagine a city brought back to life. Bustling arcades. Lunch bars with lines out the door. Coke in the fountain outside Crown. As a reason to commute to work it sucks, but as hope for the city’s future – a vote winner – it might just be feasible. It may even launch Kouta to a place where he can make real change: his four-part mayorship plan also includes grants for small businesses, support for public events and cheaper public transport.
Kouta’s announcement video finishes with him cheering to camera. He takes an awkward sip. “Here’s to the free coffees on a Monday!” he says. But he’s not talking to the workers. His message is for the people who so desperately need them back.
