I’m a 53-year-old woman and have genital herpes; as a result I don’t think anyone will want to have sex with me again. I tried herpes dating sites, but the men my age aren’t able to maintain an erection. I feel as if I am going to die without ever having sex again. I’m so lonely. I tell men before we have sex that I have herpes and they never stick around. Tonight, I was contacted by a man on Tinder and he wanted to have sex with me, which was a shock. I bought condoms and lubricant but then his Tinder chat disappeared (I assume he blocked me). I don’t know what to do. I am terribly lonely. I feel so unloved, discarded, and unwanted.
Everybody has something that they are afraid to share because they think it will make them unlovable. You may be looking for partners in the wrong places. Perhaps you have moved beyond just needing fast hook-ups? In any case, true, fulfilling intimacy is not usually found quickly; it involves getting to know someone, developing mutual trust, gradually sharing who you truly are – including the things you believe may be unacceptable. Instead of simply seeking sex, look for places where you can meet and get to know people in natural, community settings. You sound as though you really need some support generally and I would urge you to find people you can talk to: friends, a group and ideally a therapist. Being depressed can make it harder for a person to attract others, since potential partners are usually drawn to people with a confident disposition.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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