Navigating a cost of living crisis in a world where we can tap and spend without a thought is changing the way we manage our personal finances. Whether asking our boss for a pay rise or negotiating splitting the bill with friends, we have to confront our discomfort about discussing money. But the emotional stakes can feel precarious. So how do we navigate this new money etiquette?
Who pays on a first date?
You might not be ready to share your credit score on your dating app profile, but don’t be afraid to set out your financial boundaries.
The cost of living has made people more understanding, according to Dr Caroline West, a sex and relationship expert for the dating app Bumble. “It’s totally normal to stress over the financial side of dating, like who pays for what, or whether to split things 50/50. These debates aren’t disappearing any time soon, but my advice is to always be upfront with yourself about your expectations and limits, and make sure to communicate them.”
According to Bumble’s stats, more people are choosing alcohol-free “dry dating” and low-cost, low-pressure first meetings. Almost a third of 18- to 34-year-olds say they’d suggest something like a walk for a first date. Gen Z are also much more comfortable bringing up money that early, with only around one in 10 UK singles aged 18 to 34 saying they would never do it, compared with a quarter of 45- to 54-year-olds.
Should we have a joint account?
Running a household on one salary is less viable than it used to be. Romantic couples, married or cohabiting, need to find a way to blend incomes that feels fair. This goes for anyone working out how to divide the bills with platonic housemates or family members, too. A joint account can help. You can open one with one other person, and sometimes two or three, but it gives all account holders equal rights to withdraw money or run up debts, so you need trust. It also links your credit files, which means you should have an understanding of each other’s financial mistakes to protect your own ability to borrow money in the future.
How do I split the bill with friends and family?
Can you afford to ignore who had a starter and a pudding? Or if you’re a teetotal vegetarian, are you paying for everyone else’s steak and malbec? And how do you divide up the dreaded group holiday supermarket shop?
Apps such as Splitwise have increasingly become the answer, doing the painful work of asking friends for money on your behalf. You add a group expense, everyone pitches in with what they have laid out for, and you can send a request to “settle up”.
Others agree on a budget before the event and put someone in charge of a kitty. PayPal has a new pooling feature, where you can create a tab on your account and share the link with friends and family via email or WhatsApp. They contribute directly using the link, and when the kitty reaches its target you can transfer it all to your PayPal balance and into your bank account. That way you become the nominated “banker”. This is good for group holidays.
It’s one way to avoid what Alex Holder, author of the book Open Up: How to Talk About Money, has coined “the mate wait”: “the undetermined amount of time one spends waiting to be reimbursed by another person for shared expenses”; see also, the “mate weight” – the emotional burden of debating whether the £4 coffee is worth mentioning again.
Can I ask for a discount?
Haggling may feel horrifying to many British people, but it is now widespread. The areas in which you’re most likely to be successful are with subscription services and household bills, big-ticket items that are already on sale, insurance and breakdown cover, and also independent businesses and preloved shopping.
Luckily for the more reserved among us, you can also haggle via online chat. “It’s becoming more acceptable to give it a go,” says Molly Mileham‑Chappell, consumer expert at website TopCashback. Secondhand selling app Vinted even has a “make an offer” button, and many items on eBay do too.
If it’s a subscription service, you might state you are unhappy with the renewal price and considering leaving. Or if it’s a one-off purchase, you might say you narrowly missed a promotion on the product.
“If a lower price isn’t an option, ask nicely if there’s anything else they can do. They may throw in perks like free shipping, upgrades, or generate a discount code. Consider starting a chat at the end of the day, or closer to the end of a retailer’s sales period when they may be keen to hit targets and bend a little,” says Mileham-Chappell. “Always have a ‘get out’ phrase up your sleeve too, in case you need to think on it: “‘I’ve got to pick up the children from school now, can I come back to you later?’”
Should I ask colleagues what they earn?
Many employers discourage their employees from discussing salaries, but they have no legal right to do so, and this is being frowned upon as a way of cementing inequality in the workplace, so go ahead, says Daniel Zhao, lead economist at the workplace community Glassdoor. Its salary negotiations section has insights into how others are managing these conversations in their own offices.
“Pay transparency is an important tool for workers to ensure they are being paid what they deserve, and has the potential to mitigate pay inequities by revealing gaps that might otherwise have hidden in the shadows,” says Zhao.
He does, however, warn people to try not to take discussions about pay at work too personally. “A colleague may be paid more because they have responsibilities or experience you aren’t aware of. The most common mistake when asking for a raise is simply saying that your colleague makes more than you as your argument. Pay transparency is good to help you benchmark what you can ask for, but it alone cannot make the argument.”
So how do I ask for a pay rise?
Many of coach Bryony Williams’ clients come to her specifically wanting to work on asking for a pay rise. The founder of consultancy The Glass Female says three themes tend to reveal themselves. “Clients think someone else is getting more and feel undervalued where they are; they’re not happy at work and they see financial compensation as the plaster to make them happy again; or they’re under financial strain and the desire for a raise comes from external pressure.”
She says that she encourages clients to do their homework on how much is reasonable to ask for – websites such as Glassdoor and Payscale can help.
Consider your experience and location – and, crucially, be honest with yourself. What is driving your desire for more money? Is it your personal financial circumstances, a goal, a debt you wish to pay off, or is it simply appropriate for your level, experience and leadership? There’s a difference, and the latter needs to be the case for your request to be successful.
“If you can reframe money as maintenance and remove the emotion, it is easier to be confident. We often feel we want more money because we desire validation or recognition for our efforts. There are opportunities to satisfy those needs with our own positive affirmation, a rewarding conversation with a manager or even great feedback.”
Should I tip my hairdresser/barista/Deliveroo driver?
In the UK, tips have traditionally been seen as a way of recognising someone going above and beyond, but the US approach of adding service to top up wages started to take hold during the pandemic, when customers were keen to support low-paid workers. Should you still tip everyone that prompts you? Adrian Harris, founder of thankU Cashless Tipping, an app that lets you leave a tip with your phone, believes there’s a difference between adding 50p on to the cost of a flat white that you’ve queued for and collected from the counter, and giving cash to the colourist in a salon who spends three hours doing your highlights. In the hairdressing world, £10, £15 or £20 is, he says, “very normal”.
Caroline Larissey, chief executive at the National Hair and Beauty Federation, says typical tips range from 5% to 20% of the cost. “Some clients tip assistants who wash their hair, others tip their stylist, and some tip both. Your hairdresser understands that tipping is optional and won’t be offended if you don’t.”
If there is a particular person you wish to tip, ask them how they would like to receive it (either in cash or via an app, for example).
Under UK legislation introduced in 2024, 100% of money left, including service charges on bills, must go to the staff, but each venue can decide how it should be distributed.
“A cash tip will allow them to keep it themselves,” says Kate Nicholls, chief executive of UKHospitality. “Leaving a tip on the bill or behind on the table will benefit the whole team, from front-of-house to chefs and kitchen porters working hard in the kitchen.”
If you can’t afford to tip, Larissey suggests you leave a positive review online instead.
Should I lend money to friends or family members?
A recent study published in the Journal for Consumer Psychology found that people who lend money to friends frequently feel they deserve oversight on the cash and how the borrower spends it. Alarmingly, this judgment persists even after the loan has been repaid. Work hard to avoid this, says Keith Barber, director of business development at the Family Building Society, particularly if you are, as is now so common, helping adult children on to the property ladder or with expenses such as childcare or fertility treatment.
“You’ve got to be very clear about the terms on which the money comes over. But I think that’s at the end of the conversation, rather than the beginning. You need to start with: what are your children’s goals? What are their ambitions? What do they want to do?”
The idea is to really listen to why they need the money, rather than impose on them what you think the money should be for, and therefore how much they need.
“If you’re willing to help, you’ve got to also be willing to let go of that money, assuming you can afford to give it rather than loan it.” And if you are helping with a property deposit so your children can get a mortgage, most banks will want to see in writing that the money is a gift with no strings attached.
Lending and borrowing between friends and siblings is becoming more common, too. Barber has seen cases where one sibling is better placed financially and wanting to help another buy a property. In this situation, the same rules of not expecting oversight should apply.
Drawing up a written loan agreement is a helpful way to ensure there isn’t any miscommunication. State how much is being loaned, for how long, what it is for, whether any interest is due and any other terms you feel are important to note, such as what happens if your loved one can’t pay on time. If it’s a small amount, you could do this informally between you. But you may want to seek legal advice if it’s tens of thousands of pounds.
Tara Edwards, a private client executive for Wellers Law Group, says agreements in writing are also important when it comes to how you want to leave an inheritance. This helps avoid any misunderstandings that could have legal implications. For example, not understanding someone’s motivation could result in a claim on your estate, as well as heartache.
How do I broach the potentially sensitive topic of how much my partner spends or saves?
Joanna Harrison, couples therapist and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have and Why the Washing-Up Matters, says discussing money anxieties could throw up a lot of shame. “One person might want to protect their partner by not bringing it up. How do you make it not feel intrusive? How do you not make someone feel defensive?
“I think a helpful way is not ‘Can you give me a form with all your money details,’ but to be really curious with each other about what your attitudes to money are.” For example, what did your partner or friend grow up with? What were their experiences of money as a child? This can tease out whether someone may be afraid of getting into debt, or why they might feel it is important to have their own private bank account.
She suggests you have a conversation about having the conversation. “‘How would you feel about us being transparent with our finances?’ is a very different way of starting off a conversation than saying, ‘I want you to be transparent.’”
