We often welcome our guests wholeheartedly, but some may be trickier to accommodate than others. And even if your own family is staying with you, disagreements are bound to arise.
For redditor Pocketlobster88, it was his mother demanding attention who made their days in their household more difficult. She even went as far as to knock on their bedroom door when he was having some private time with his partner.
His wife finally had enough and decided to fix the problem by leaving a sign on the door that guaranteed to keep her out of their business. She thought it was funny, but her husband and MIL were on a completely different page, causing family drama.
Many couples find visiting in-laws nerve-wracking
Image credits: Kampus Production / pexels (not the actual photo)
This MIL added pressure to the household by knocking on couple’s door every time they tried to get intimate
Image credits: Kindel Media / pexels (not the actual photo)
The author posted an update to clear some confusion
Image credits: Kamshotthat / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ron Lach / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: pocketlobster88
Setting boundaries for in-laws
Boundaries with in-laws can be just like with any person in life. They are simply the lines we draw for ourselves to feel comfortable around others. One wouldn’t let a stranger impede on their intimate time, so why let a family member do it?
Before imposing limitations, the person needs to figure out what theirs are. Usually, it differs for everyone. A good starting point is identifying your own needs, limits, and priorities. One should also look at what they tend to avoid, as it can show where the boundaries need to be. For example, if they are hesitating to go to visit their in-laws, find out why — be it imposing opinions or constant complaining.
Of course, it can be hard to put them in place, but it has to be done for a healthy and respectful relationship. Perhaps the mother-in-law is worried about losing her deep connection and time with her child, but it’s still possible to have boundaries while reassuring her that her needs are respected. Working together to find solutions that suit everyone can ensure that the limitations will be adhered to.
A good boundary is precise and clear. Often, people say a lot but aren’t straightforward with what they want. Instead of stating the problem like “You always ignore our private space,” it’s important to talk about one’s needs and offer what the other person can do differently. Trying something along the lines of “I appreciate you spending time with us, but perhaps we could limit this time to weekends, so we could have some romantic time together?” is what a good boundary-setting example looks like.
This can also be achieved by reducing meet-ups, family dinners, special occasions, or phone calls. Often, tension and disagreements arise when parents and adult children are too close and spend a lot of time together.
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When boundaries don’t work
However, it’s possible that even the clearest boundary won’t be respected by those around you. And if they choose to ignore them, that’s not a behavior that needs to be managed or controlled. Instead, it can be handy to prepare for adjusting your reaction when it happens.
Having certain limits is important and it’s fine to take extra steps to make yourself comfortable. If they have been violated, saying them again with intensity is a great way to reestablish them. In cases when it doesn’t work, it’s up to the person to take the following actions. Perhaps the violation is enough to end or put distance in the relationship. Essentially, there’s no wrong or right response here, but what isn’t going to help are empty threats that may play down the boundaries in the future.
When someone asks to respect boundaries, it can be awkward or maybe hurtful at first but it’s important to take it as helpful information. On the other hand, not all people can live under them so informing the person that it’s not something they can live with is fine. Having a conversation with each other and finding a way it could work for both parties is also an option. And if not, perhaps it’s time to keep some distance or end the relationship.
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska / pexels (not the actual photo)
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