For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health… right? Well, it seems that not everyone remembers the solemn vows they made before the altar when they bound their lives together with their partner for eternity.
Like the redditor TraditionalFuel6104 who refused to give up her secret “getaway fund” to help her struggling husband keep the household afloat. He began to think she was treating him like a predator, sucking his money dry. But despite her excuses, he left the house feeling hurt in every way imaginable.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with financial therapists Ed Coambs and Michele Paiva who kindly agreed to tell us more about shared finances.
Couples are supposed to lift each other up when times are hard
Image credits: kryzhov (not the actual photo)
But this wife refused to dip in her secret $47,000 savings to help out her struggling husband working three jobs
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
Image credits: TraditionalFuel6104
Couples manage their finances in the way that’s convenient for them
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
“For richer, for poorer…” These four little words in wedding vows can carry a lot of substance. Unless they’re like in that song “young dumb and broke,” most newlyweds don’t expect to become poverty-stricken when entering a marriage. Instead, they hope to prosper and lift each other before they creep up too close to the deficit line.
How every couple manages their income depends on their preferences, whether that would be separately, jointly, or a combination of both. Bored Panda reached out to the award-winning author in financial therapy Ed Coambs and a financial therapist, mentor, podcaster Michele Paiva to learn more about shared finances.
Some spouses like those in this story might feel comfortable having a household with one income. For instance, one takes the role of being a stay-at-home wife or husband while the other goes to work and provides for the family. However, in the long run, it can become exhausting being the sole breadwinner of the house, especially when the family runs into unpredictable expenses that put them in an unfortunate financial situation with relatively no way out.
Coambs tells us that despite these difficulties, a one-income household can be achievable. Beforehand, the two adults should practice and learn how to communicate openly about their finances.
“I encourage both adults to think in terms of teamwork and collaboration. The adults’ creativity and collaboration are the best ways to figure out ways to make a one-income household successful. Respect for both partners’ contributions to the household is also essential.”
Paiva’s approach encourages couples to focus on strategic planning and financial resilience. “Being a partner is challenging. Being on one income is a struggle for most people, even very wealthy people because it feels imbalanced sometimes. There are bound to be ups and downs; don’t be hard on each other because you are on the same team.”
Her own journey from near homelessness in her twenties to now taught her the importance of establishing investment properties, prudent budgeting, diversifying income streams, and prioritizing financial goals. She said “By harnessing financial therapy and evolutionary psychology principles, we can cultivate resilience, identify opportunities, and empower families to thrive even on a single income.
Most people think they can’t because they have only seen certain behaviors or are exposed to more radical theories, such as being shamed for buying coffee on the run, or some gurus only espousing that you should buy a home with cash. Those mindsets are the equivalent of crash dieting and often do not work long-term and certainly do not address root issues.”
However, no one is really safe from financial infidelity
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Whichever path a couple chooses to go in their shared money journey, sometimes financial infidelity is unavoidable. This happens when a couple that has chosen to combine their income lies to each other about it. For instance, one partner may hide significant debts or make substantial payments or purchases without the other person knowing.
Telltale signs of this occurring include excessive spending on gifts, trips, gambling, or larger-than-normal cash withdrawals from joint accounts. Hiding bank statements or getting defensive when the subject of money is brought up could be another indication of this taking place.
When asked how couples should deal with such unfortunate situations, Coambs said, “The journey of addressing financial infidelity will take personal reflection and responsibility. I encourage couples to become curious about what relationship dynamics made it uncomfortable to talk openly and honestly about their financial decisions.”
Reasons for this happening might be the fear of disappointing their partner, being criticized for their money decisions, or being controlled. They also may overhear stories in which people advise not to trust others with their money.
Coambs notes that “Often, the patterns of financial infidelity did not start with the couple, but was something that was seen or experienced in the families of the couples. Financial infidelity is a symptom of underlying relationship issues and patterns like insecure attachment.”
Paiva observes that many individuals may not even realize they’re engaging in financial infidelity due to its pervasiveness. “Drawing from my background in trauma recovery and financial therapy, I approach this issue with empathy and practical solutions. It is more tedious sometimes than physical or sexual betrayal because more people usually discuss romance than money.”
To get through it, she recommends creating a safe space for honest dialogue, where it’s possible to unpack underlying motivations, raise awareness of financial behaviors, rebuild trust, and develop financial strategies that align with both partners’ values and goals. “Together, we can navigate this challenging terrain and foster a stronger, more transparent economic partnership.”
Financial infidelity can cause a lot of harm to a relationship
Financial cheating has the potential to irreversibly harm a relationship and make the couple lose trust in each other. According to the Coambs, taking responsibility for what one has done and acknowledging the pain it has created is an important first step. “Sometimes, because of the shame a person feels, it can be hard to see or acknowledge the full impact of their decisions. Building and rebuilding trust is an ongoing process after financial infidelity.”
Paiva warns not to expect miracles right away as a lot of people think that “it’s just money” and the recovery will be quick. The couple may fix the money issues but their feelings of distrust and shame can linger.
“Rebuilding financial trust after a financial infidelity incident requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to transparency. If you don’t have those three ingredients, then the recipe flops, and often, time marches on, and sadly, time doesn’t heal, but understanding does. If you sweep it under the carpet, then you’ll be left with recurring arguments, incidents, and lack of intimacy- often.
Through my lens as someone who has weathered personal financial hardships and triumphs, I recognize the importance of accountability and vulnerability in restoring trust. Leveraging insights from financial therapy and evolutionary psychology, we can co-create actionable steps to rebuild trust, such as setting clear expectations, establishing regular check-ins, and fostering a sense of shared financial responsibility. By prioritizing open communication and mutual respect, we can lay the foundation for resilience and trust.”
The wife was titled wrong, to say the least
