Wedding vows are supposedly sacred. You made a promise to each other to stick together through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, until death parts you.
But marriage isn’t for everyone, especially when two people end up creating a toxic union. This, unfortunately, happened to a woman who had endured her neurodivergent husband’s victim mentality for decades.
While the husband’s behavior is due to his mental condition, the author has reached her breaking point. She is now at a crossroads: does she leave and break her family apart, or does she stay and live miserably for the rest of her life?
Neurodivergent couples often face numerous challenges
A woman went on a lengthy rant about her life with her husband diagnosed with a mental disability
She’s been unhappy for the majority of their marriage, often feeling her needs are not met
She also claims her husband has grown adept at playing the victim and had their children constantly side with him
The author has reached her breaking point and now seeks advice from the internet
Lack of empathy is common among people diagnosed with Asperger’s
The husband’s lack of empathy, as described by the author, is a textbook symptom of people diagnosed with Asperger’s.
As Portland-based psychologist Dr. Kathy Marshack explained in an interview with Everyday Health, they tend to become more defensive because of their partner’s lack of understanding. As the relationship progresses, the emotional disconnect also tears the couple apart, bit by bit.
According to Dr. Marshack, the lack of intimacy and sexual connection is among the list of problems in a relationship with a neurodivergent spouse, which has deeply affected the woman. Parenting problems also arise and often leave the non-Asperger’s spouse frustrated.
“When children enter the picture, it’s often the demise of the relationship,” Dr. Marshack said.
The author painted a picture of what seems to be a hopeless situation, and in many other cases, ending the marriage may be the better option. However, she is still willing to make it work, which means not all is lost.
One way for her to cope would be to recognize her husband’s sensory issues, which, according to social work specialist Marci Wheeler, MSW, may affect intimacy.
In her article for the Indiana Institute on Disability and Community, Wheeler explained people with such mental struggles easily experience sensory overload. During these instances, she advises couples to develop signals that communicate overstimulation.
“If need be, this might mean taking two cars to an event so the ASD partner can exit the event and the non-ASD partner does not have to leave,” she wrote.
Wheeler emphasizes the importance of developing those signals as part of an effective communication strategy. She explains that conversations must be “clear, calm, and predictable,” wherein chore instructions must involve step-by-step directions, for example. Sticky notes or handwritten messages may also be helpful.
But if the problem becomes unbearable, seeking professional help is always an option. Dr. Marshack suggests having the spouse attend individual therapy first before going through couples counseling.
Therapy may be an option for the author and her husband if they both desire to keep their family intact. It may be arduous, but they must take the first step.
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov (not the actual photo)
Readers didn’t hesitate to provide counsel
