The holidays are often thought of as a time for family – a time to pack bags and hop on trains, planes and automobiles to go see people with whom you share DNA.
But for some, this might not be possible, or particularly desirable. Some live far from their biological families. Others are not particularly close, or have fraught relationships. This can be challenging, but it can also be an opportunity to build new traditions with friends and neighbors.
We asked Guardian readers to share how they spend holidays with people who aren’t their original family.
Answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.
The laughing Christmas
I have had a couple of open houses on Christmas Day, which I’ve dubbed the Laughing Christmas Open House. Family relations were strained, especially around the holiday. I was in deep with my local theater community, so I spread the word of the event through these channels, and a lot of people showed up.
I wanted to look like a snowflake, so I wore a secondhand wedding gown; I got a lot of laughs when I opened the door. I invited people to bring food from their family’s holiday traditions – any tradition – so we had a wonderful array of dishes.
My goal was to delight everyone’s senses. So I mulled cider, cooked a large turkey, hung pretty lights and decorations, and had holiday music playing constantly. We’d all crowd into the living room for dinner, people sitting on the floor or wherever they could. I don’t recall how the food tasted, only that I felt so happy to be able to share a meal with all these people.
The next Christmas, I was with family. IT WAS AWFUL! I vowed never to do that again, and held the second Laughing Christmas the following year.
Joce, 56, Disabled artivist
Exotic holiday travel
About 10 years ago, I started skipping Christmas with the family and choosing to see other people and places. I decided that middle age was as good a time as any to acknowledge that I didn’t enjoy spending the holiday with my biological family. My father, now 73, doesn’t like me, and I’ve spent too much of my life trying to change that. Why spend precious free time with someone who doesn’t enjoy your company? My parents have plenty of company during the holidays. This assuages any guilt I might have about choosing to spend Christmas with friends.
Now, my best friend from high school and I travel together during the Christmas week, visiting places that are new to both of us.
Rikki, 54, Oregon
Holidays strolls with friends
For Thanksgiving, my wife and I always go to our friends’ house in the country, where a small group of queer friends gathers for turkey and “all the fixings”. We all cook up pies and sides and spend the day eating, talking and taking long walks.
For Christmas, friends (more queers!) visit us in Oakland, packing every sleeping nook. We exchange gifts, eat copious amounts, play board games, read and take long walks.
Deb, 62, Oakland
Swedish Thanksgiving
I have lived in Sweden since 2002, and haven’t celebrated a significant holiday with my family since 2004, when I visited the USA over Easter. My family have been invited to Sweden a number of times, but have never visited. I have a strained relationship with my family.
I have made a new family and home in Sweden. For years I have had a dedicated group of friends with whom I celebrate Thanksgiving on the last Saturday of November. Of the group, only two are from the USA. We have Spanish tortillas and a lethal cocktail called “panther’s milk”, which uses gin and condensed milk and knocks you out in a shot. We also have turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings. There are games, lots of chatting and enjoyment of each other’s company.
Carolyn, 50, Sweden
Friendsgiving and solstice hikes
My family members live all over the US, so gatherings are hard to organize. I live in a university town where scholars come from all over the world to teach, and many are far from family. So we have Friendsgiving each year, and invite friends and acquaintances who would otherwise be alone.
We celebrate the solstice with a hike up the Spirit Mound (a local historical site) followed by a potluck supper. This year, Christmas Eve will feature a book exchange and chocolate sharing. Christmas Day dinner will also be with friends. I find so much joy in these feasts.
Betty, 74, South Dakota
Vegan pot luck choral Christmas
I’m a retired, vegetarian grandma with two carnivorous grandsons and their meat-eating parents. We also do church on Christmas morning and they don’t. This year, instead of trying to negotiate a Christmas that suits the whole family, we are getting some vegan and vegetarian friends from the church choir over for a pot luck choral Christmas celebration. Then we see family on Boxing Day with assorted leftovers.
Sue, 75, London
Six girlfriends and 10,000 Maniacs
On 26 December 2014, my husband died unexpectedly. The following year, I rented a vacation home on the Gulf coast of Florida. Over the next week, six girlfriends and I shared time together. Dinner, cocktails and the beach. One night, that song by 10,000 Maniacs came on the radio. I sat and listened to the lyrics: “These are the days you’ll remember …” Well, here I am, practically a different person after the intervening years, and I’m remembering that trip.
Lesley, 63, Michigan
No reverting to sulky teenagers
This year, we’re spending Christmas Day with a family with kids of the same age. Our relatives are all spending Christmas with other family, so we decided to join forces. We told friends in their 70s – they said they were home alone this year, so we invited them too.
I think we’ll have fun. Everyone is taking charge of a dish, or drinks or a game, including the youngsters, which makes it easy. And I’m sure we’ll be on our best behavior – no reverting to sulky teenagers at age 52 because you disagree over Brexit or climate change, etc. That’s definitely happened in the past.
Jo, 52, Devon
Gathering after loss
Since my mom’s death in November 2022, I have struggled with where and with whom to spend the holidays. I have an uncomfortable relationship with my brother, though his wife is a lovely person. In 2022, I spent Christmas with a good friend in Virginia. Knowing that my friend absolutely insisted I come and have her family around me for the holidays so soon after losing my mom made me feel very loved and supported.
Anonymous, New Jersey
An all-around win
I moved to Oregon four years ago, after I retired. My mom moved here two years ago. My sister and niece have lived here for over 20 years and they have a huge network of close family friends with whom they spend the holidays. I tried to join them but felt like an interloper.
Then, I tried hosting with my mother but we don’t really enjoy each other enough for that kind of intimacy. So now, I spend [the holidays] with good friends I met at the gym. My mom was invited and accepted to spend the holiday with a neighbor. This was a huge win, because she had previously lived like a hermit. Now she has more interactions with neighbors. It’s an all-around win.
Donna, 56, Oregon
Competitive, elaborate dinner menus
My friends are both a lot closer and far more fun than many of my relatives.
My neighbor and I are both empty nesters and adventurous cooks. The holidays give us an opportunity to try to outdo each other. We spend at least a month researching recipes and putting together the menu.
Eilene, retired, Wisconsin
A drag Christmas special and cookie decorating with chosen family
Every year, my queer “chosen family” gets together to watch a drag Christmas special and other holiday-adjacent movies. We catch a performance of Golden Girls Live – a drag re-enactment of two Golden Girls episodes – and we decorate holiday cookies at various times throughout December. I love building wholesome traditions, borrowing the nostalgia and caring of family gatherings and skipping right over the heteronormativity that makes it hard to be authentic with my DNA relatives.
Queer people have so many good reasons for keeping their distance from many of their relatives. It hurts to have to lie to family to keep the peace, and I feel like I can be totally myself around my chosen family.
Joshua, 38, California
A picnic at the river and camping in the desert
Over the past several years, spending holidays with family has become less like a family reunion and more like a gathering of strangers. People used to talk, laugh and catch up with each other. These days, it’s a lot of eating and sitting around on their phones. Then people scatter.
I’ve migrated closer to my friends. We increasingly spend our free time and holidays camping, exploring and kayaking. If friends aren’t available, I’ll go outdoors by myself or with my partner. This Thanksgiving, we had a picnic at a river with our dog, and watched wild horses graze. Then we went camping with our friends in the desert.
Anonymous, Arizona
