When we see a man and woman in a relationship, many of us will likely assume they are straight. Similarly, men and women in same-sex relationships are often thought of as gay and lesbian. However, our new research challenges these popular assumptions.
Many people in same-sex relationships do not identify themselves as gay or lesbian, nor do they report feeling exclusive same-sex attraction. Analyzing a survey of 3,510 adults conducted between 2017–2022 in the Unites States, we found that 27 per cent of respondents with a same-sex partner did not report being exclusively attracted to people of the same-sex. Furthermore, 15 per cent of respondents in same-sex relationships did not self-identify as gay or lesbian.
Meanwhile, for those in different-sex relationships, four per cent did not self-identify as straight, and seven per cent reported having some attraction to people of the same sex.
These findings tell us that how people feel about their sexual identity or sexual attraction is not necessarily consistent with how they may appear with their partner.
Why the inconsistency?
We use the term “sexual inconsistency” to capture this common yet largely hidden phenomenon. Sexuality encompasses multiple dimensions: sexual identity, sexual attraction, and sexual practice — to name a few. Sexual identity refers to how people identify their membership to socially defined sexual groups such as gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual and others.
Sexual attraction is about who a person feels sexually attracted to. Sexual attraction often ranges from exclusive or mostly different-sex attraction, more or less equal bisexual attraction, to mostly or exclusive same-sex attraction. Sexual practice describes who a person has sex or forms an intimate relationship with.
Different dimensions of sexuality do not always align. For example, experts have explained how some men who identify as straight also have sex with other men.
Importantly, experiencing sexual inconsistency does not mean people are confused or not serious about their relationships. Rather, such inconsistency reflects the complex lived realities of human sexuality.
Lowering relationship satisfaction
Our research also reveals that sexual inconsistency can lower relationship satisfaction and increase the risk of breakup. As couple relationships are usually placed in one of two camps today — different-sex or same-sex — this binary has become a new norm in how people tend to think about relationships.
However, a binary understanding of different-sex and same-sex relationships does not quite capture the complexity of human sexuality, which often encompasses multiple categories or falls along a spectrum. For example, the same-sex and different-sex binary often fails to account for bisexual individuals’ relationship experiences.
In addition, in many places different-sex unions are tightly regulated by traditional ideas concerning married life, sex and heterosexual desire. If partners in these unions deviate from such expectations, they could face judgement and experience considerable relationship strain.
Different-sex and same-sex couples face different social pressures regarding how their relationships are supposed to look. Accordingly, our research revealed that sexual inconsistency was associated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher breakup risks for different-sex couples, but it was much less consequential for the relationship well-being of same-sex couples.
For example, we found that if men in different-sex relationships experienced inconsistency between their relationship type and sexual attraction, their relationship satisfaction would be about 0.5 point lower (on a 5-point scale) and their relationships would be twice as likely to break up.
By contrast, if men in same-sex relationships experienced such sexual inconsistency, their relationship satisfaction would only be 0.1 point lower, with no significant increase in the risk of breakup.
Men in different-sex couples most affected
Notably, our findings showed that if men in a different-sex relationship experienced sexual inconsistency — such as gay or bisexual men with a female partner — they were least happy with their relationship.
Men in different-sex couples often face rigid social expectations, more so than women. Sexual inconsistency was associated with a 0.4–0.5 point decrease in relationship satisfaction for men, but a 0.1–0.2 point decrease for women, in different-sex unions.
As persistent patriarchal traditions confer high status and privilege on men’s heterosexuality, societal gatekeeping around who qualifies as a straight man is particularly intense. By contrast, social regulation of women’s sexuality is less rigid. Women’s bisexuality and sexual fluidity, for example, are less harshly judged than those of men.
Because men’s heterosexuality is rigidly defined, they tend to face harsher judgement and stigmatization and have more to lose in terms of social status when their sexual identity/attraction deviates from heteronormative expectations associated with different-sex relationships. These stressful experiences may in turn undermine relationship satisfaction.
Our research highlights how relationships and human sexuality are far more complex than a binary understanding suggests. Recognizing this complexity is a first step toward creating an environment conducive to happy and lasting relationships.
The authors do not work for, consult, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article, and have disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.
