The first time I watched a Louis Theroux documentary it was 2015 and I was having a sleepover at a friend’s house during a university summer holiday. She put on the first episode of season two of Weird Weekends, "Infomercials" (about American shopping channels), and just as Louis was describing the benefits of electronic paper shredders in front of a live TV audience, my friend gasped and declared,“I’d let him put his d*** right Theroux me”.
I didn’t get it at all. But then watching Louis nervously ask a member of the crew if he had let down the Home Shopping Network by shoving so much paper down the shredder that it jammed, I started to understand what she meant. “He looks a bit like a frightened pigeon,” I said. “Exactly,” she replied. “Don’t you just want to look after him?”
My friend and I are not alone. Go on Louis’ Instagram and under numerous images of disappointing vegetarian lasagnas, women comment “love you, Louis’’ alongside reams of emoji hearts. The lust has gotten so intense, Holly and Phil asked him on daytime TV what it’s like being a heartthrob. He’s the most unlikely sex symbol since Nala from the Lion King; since Louis rose to fame in 1998, he’s has been dolling out fanny flutters like they’re going out of fashion.
Today is the big man’s (or rather the skinny man’s) 50th birthday and so we thought we better celebrate his important career milestone to date. No, not crafting an inimitable gonzo journalism style or negotiating access to the notoriously closed-lipped Zionists or blowing the lid on Scientology’s violent past, but becoming so hot that you can buy a sequin pillow of him wearing nothing but a feather boa on Etsy. Yes, we are objectifying him! But it’s borderline acceptable because he’s a man!
But what is it that makes him quite so alluring? After all, Louis is not someone who immediately screams “heartthrob”. He’s a slowburner. A man of the pulled pork variety. A lamb tagine. A put-it-on-at-80-degrees-and-leave-it-to-simmer. But if you’re patient enough you will see beyond his slightly gawky posture to a man with a jawline so square you could dice vegetables on it.
He reminds me of those slightly confusing crushes that develop so slowly you don’t even notice them. Like that nerdy guy you sat next to in history class. The one you initially disliked because he says “that’s an ad hominem argument” so often. And then he goes to university and gets a nice pair of glasses and you kick yourself when you see his girlfriend walk around the corner and she’s Suffolk’s answer to Natalie Portman.
Theroux is proof that humans often want what they’re not supposed to. Not all heroes wear capes; not all hunks wear six-packs.
But there’s more to Louis than horn means brains over brawn. Part of his allure is how non-threatening he is. Straight men can be terrifying. It’s built into women’s muscle memory to be afraid of them from birth. To be as invisible as possible so they can’t follow. To be nice to the man on the bus leaning in too close to ask if you’re having a good night in case he loses his temper. Louis’ gentle nature places him in the less intimidating category of man.
“I guess I really would like to touch your body” Louis raps in a sound recording booth during the Weird Weekends episode on hip hop. “I’m very delicate” he winces as a pro-wrestler gets him in a chokehold in another episode. His face is permanently cast in the frenzied expression of someone trying to locate the “leave meeting” button on a Zoom call.
With no chance that your flirtation with Louis could lead to him shouting in your face “you lead me on”, around him you could become your more confident self. From Beyonce to Sasha Fierce. Louis is living proof that the incel phrase “nice guys finish last” is wrong. In fact, nice guys finish with their faces printed on a bespoke prayer candle.
Imagine just how much you’d get to talk to around Louis as well. The man listens better than a therapist. His interview technique involves walking into a room, standing in silence while the subjects speak and speak, occasionally prompting them to continue with questions like “so what would happen if I touched it?” “Do you think that’s fair?” He’s the polar opposite of all those “devil’s advocate” guys who tell you to read Will Self books and repeat the idea you just said in a meeting again but twice as loud. Providing you didn’t suffocate Louis under the sheer bulk of emotional labour, he would make a great partner.
But it’s important to highlight that Louis is not a pushover. Being with him wouldn’t mean getting away with everything. You need to be with someone who keeps you in check. From when he responded to Steven Drain of the Westboro Baptist Church’s anti-semitic comments: “Newsflash, brainiac. Christ was Jewish!” Or sarcastically deadpanning “I consider myself f***ed” after a scientologist told him to “go f*** himself”, he’s like the shiest confident man you’ll ever meet. Reserved but authoritative. Nervous but inquisitive.
Louis is forbidden fruit hot, not because he’s married (sorry Nancy Louis, the empathy levels are running low at this time), but because it’s embarrassing to lust after someone your mum would approve of. He’s not toxic masculinity, but tonic masculinity. He’s like actually wanting to eat your green vegetables.
Thinking of being around him is to imagine being with someone who let you be the most “you” possible, making you comfortable enough to say what you really think, but standing up to you when what you’re talking about no longer makes any sense. It might not be pretty to see your personality so unmasked. But if he saw it, naked and exposed and covered in stretch marks, and still liked it, well it would be the deepest love of all.
Now can women stop asking all faux guiltily “Is it just me or is Louis Theroux hot?” no, it is not just you. You’re not unique Karen. Join the club.
Louis Theroux merch to buy now
Seductive Louis T-shirt: £18.99, Front Left Apparel
Saint Louis Theroux prayer candle: £19, Etsy
Louis Theroux hard enamel pin: £7, Etsy
Louis Theroux slep tight Theroux the night pillowcase: £10, Amazon
