I have been with my partner for 23 years and we regularly have sex. I orgasm pretty much every time (although not through penetrative sex). However, after orgasm I am overcome with a huge wave of sadness and burst into tears. After a few minutes of sobbing, I am fine. It feels like an enormous release of stress. I have always been like this – my partner understands and gives me a hug or strokes my back, but it doesn’t happen when I masturbate. I just wondered whether this is something I should be concerned about. My other sexual experiences were short-term encounters where this didn’t happen, but I probably wasn’t as invested in the relationship. Should I try to stop the tears or see someone about it? I have tried Googling it, but nothing is really relevant to me. I haven’t had any sexual trauma and I don’t feel guilty about having sex or think my partner doesn’t find me attractive. I enjoy sex and am confident that he finds me sexually attractive.
It is not unusual for a person to have strong waves of emotion after climaxing. This can also be expressed as uncontrollable laughter. Fortunately, you have an understanding partner who has always accepted this. Crying can simply be a natural response to a state of euphoria, and it sounds like this is true for you because you say you feel fine once you have stopped sobbing. The intensity of an orgasm is accompanied by a strong surge of mood-enhancing chemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine – but then a rapid return to baseline can drop a person’s mood so that they feel sad. If a person continues to feel sad some time after orgasm – rather than recovering fairly quickly as you do – they may be suffering from postcoital dysphoria, which has a number of possible causes and can be treated. If you feel you want to explore this more, seek talking therapy.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
