Have you ever wondered about the unspoken moments in your life that can provide more information than a thousand words?
For example, the moment when the waiter asks you and a friend how your food was and you instinctively glance at each other and with one look you acknowledge that the fish was too salty, but reply “great, everything was great”. Or the moment in the shopping centre when you ruffle your teenage son’s hair and he squirms in embarrassment and glances at you to remind you he is no longer five years old.
It is hard to describe these moments, for they occur in what authors have labelled as the “placeless places” or the “as-isness” of the moment, the in-between.
So what are we talking about when we are referring to these intangible moments? We are talking about how we navigate the spaces in our lives, be it how we board the bus, the kind of music we listen to when cleaning the kitchen or how we negotiate whose turn it is to visit grandma in the nursing home. In other words, we’re talking about how we engage with our world, in particular with the people around us, in ways that are sometimes not even accessible to us.
These moments that play out constantly in our everyday lives can be missed or forgotten, but in the world of therapy they are treasured gold.
John*, a client of mine who had lost his family business of more than 20 years, was grieving the loss in maladaptive ways that he said were “leading him to a breakdown”. As he was telling his story of the business and how he feels he failed his family, he suddenly began to talk about his fourth-grade teacher and how every morning she would acknowledge his presence with a smile.
It might seem odd that he said this right in the middle of explaining his financial loss and mental health decline, but I noticed an opportunity for exploration. I asked “do I remind you of her” and he immediately replied “yes”. That acknowledgment gave us permission to discuss how he does not feel seen and how his whole identity circled around the family business. His biggest fear now was discovering himself and that he may not be good enough.
But what if your in-between wasn’t a gentle hymn?
Alyssa* was 24 when she was sexually assaulted, which led to her developing borderline traits and complex trauma. She desperately tried to ground herself in the here and now, but that was difficult when her in-between contained a blaring radio, played by her alcoholic father and cigarette smoke that reminded her of the assault.
For Alyssa to experience safety she needed to know that it is possible to achieve it in the here and now and it was being modelled for her in our therapeutic relationship. Our time together was also an opportunity to provide respite by creating a space of retreat from the outside world, even if it was only for 50 minutes. This case highlights that living in the in-between can also have its challenges.
So why is it hard for us to stay in the in-between?
There are two main factors that get in the way. These are our focus and preoccupation with historical events and past experiences and the loudness of today’s life that makes it hard to hear our inner self.
When we get caught up in past events it can immediately pull us out of the present moment. For example, rather than hearing what a person is telling us we may begin to judge their words with what they did previously, even if it’s irrelevant to the current conversation.
Breaking through the noise of our modern world poses challenges because we are constantly bombarded with information, leaving no gap to hear ourselves, let alone others. You may have experienced this when trying to talk to your teen while they are on social media or the constant advertising telling us we need one more item to make our lives perfect.
How do we regain some of this stillness that occurs in the present moment?
Firstly, we must acknowledge that the present moment is not perfect but it is manageable. This is because it is the only moment you can actually influence or change as it’s occurring right now, not in the past or future.
The second key thing is to understand the biggest challenge of being here is remembering to be here. This means not blocking our thought or feelings but rather letting them flow through and when we notice our mind drifting, particularly to less helpful thoughts, we catch ourselves and bring our awareness back to what’s happening now.
The problem is not the fact that we drift again and again, it is how we gently bring our awareness back to the moment we can manage.
To tune in to the in-between and ground your self in the present moment you can begin by noticing and being curious about where you are mentally, emotionally and physically.
Ask yourself: “What am I doing right now, what am I feeling right now, what are my senses telling me right now and how I can be gentle and kind to myself right now?”
These questions may appear simple yet hard to do in the moment, but the more we able to relate to the present moment in this gentle and nonjudgmental way, the more we develop a way of listening, of being, that is broader and more encompassing than just existing, but of finding belonging and respite in a world full of words.
*Patient examples are amalgamations of people often seen by psychiatrists
In Australia, support is available at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the UK, the charity Mind is available on 0300 123 3393 and Childline on 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
• Sara Mussa is a psychologist based in Melbourne
