Before you separate think about the cost of two homes, the legal fees and the emotional and financial impact on your children
It’s that time of year when many people decide new year, new start, new partner. Before you take that often drastic step isn’t it worth pausing? Arguably the single best investment to ensure better retirement savings and peace of mind is relationship counselling.
The results of working on your relationship may be more enriching than you ever imagined.
Before you do something you regret, treat it like a problem at work. If you are unhappy with an employee, you write a letter to them about the issues you want to discuss, have a meeting with them and go through what you can both do. Consider getting some specialist advice such as personal counselling. At the least seek couple counselling. Explore what’s not working and what you need to fix so your relationship can move forward. Even if you still decide to separate, these steps will mean you can better function as parents if you have children.
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Divorce decreases household net worth, significantly affecting mid-lifers saving for retirement. Monash University’s Centre for Population and Urban Research found that family break-up rather than unemployment is the main cause of the rise in poverty in Australia.
Kimberlee Sweeney, marriage repairer and divorce coach, says “investing in making a relationship work is a lot cheaper than divorce and can have excellent results – too often people leave it too late and feel they have run out of options”.
Speaking from experience, I’ve had relationship counselling, two short separations and can now say I’ve never been happier being married for over 32 years to the same person. I highly recommend working on yourself and seeing someone who might just help you save your marriage. It’s worth it.
We’re sold this dream that marriage equals perfect happiness and conflict-free living. Too many of us haven’t seen our parents practise conflict resolution. In my case my parents divorced when I was young and for a long time in my early married years whenever my husband and I had a disagreement my immediate reaction was – marriage not working, we’re not compatible.
I know when I separated, I thought I didn’t like my husband any more. It was while we were apart that I began to appreciate who he was. I saw him caring for our children with different eyes. I began to appreciate what having two loving parents meant to our children. I began to look at my husband with fresh eyes or maybe it was old eyes, the eyes that had made me want to marry him.
If you’re thinking, that’s it, I can’t stand being in this relationship, ask yourself what could you do differently to make your marriage better?
We put effort into dieting, exercise, and professional development and pay people to help us stick at it but how many put that same energy and commitment into what is the most important thing in our life – relationships?
Sweeney tells the story of a client who hadn’t even noticed his partner removing art and furniture until he found a letter saying she’d moved out. It took him by complete surprise – he was devastated and confused. Coaching helped him with what he needed to say when they met for the first time since she left. He wanted to understand why she left. She agreed to see a couple’s therapist which helped him see what his wife thought about the quality of their marriage.
“Work began on communicating more effectively to help with raising their children," says Sweeney. "He started to be more attentive and thoughtful. The partner began to see the man she had married re-emerge and after six months apart they are now working on making each other happier and more fulfilled. These stories aren’t one-offs.”
Many people quit marriages over differences about money. Financial stress, different views about money, who holds the purse strings and information around your family’s finances can sometimes be withheld from a partner. That can create an imbalance and lack of power. Not talking openly about money with your partner can have a serious impact on relationships. Harville Hendrix, Oprah’s relationship guru and the creator of Imago therapy, has long said successful marriages have financial equality. That doesn’t mean putting the same contribution in but being open and transparent with each other about earnings, how it’s spent and what you might be both saving for.
Sweeney says most people she sees have forgotten why they fell in love with their partner, what they liked about them. Busy work and home lives and raising children means it’s easy for partners to lose themselves and not make their relationship a priority. It can be repaired but usually take counselling, individual coaching and a commitment from both sides to put the effort in.
There is so much to be gained. Your children will benefit from two happy parents. If you’re thinking, that’s it, I can’t stand being in this relationship, ask yourself what could you do differently to make your marriage better?
When was the last time you complimented your partner, thanked them for something they did for you? When did you last say, "we haven’t done it for ages, let’s have a date night – what would you like to do?”
If you know they enjoy a walk at the weekend, go with them (after checking they want you to!). Doing things together doesn’t have to cost money.
Before you call time-out think about the cost of two homes, legal fees gobbling up your savings and the emotional and financial impact on your children. Talk to anyone in a long marriage and they’ll tell you about its richness and rewarding qualities and how it’s helped each partner be happier and more whole.
