Depending on the outcome on May 21, many of the key players in our body politic may be moving on to new stages of their lives. Crikey satirist Tom Red spent the week with transition-whisperers, school careers counsellors and carnival psychics to try and uncover what the future may hold for our betters.
Scott Morrison
Could be: Jim’s Mowing franchisee
Should be: The Surprise Spruiker
Will be: Whitehaven executive
Anthony Albanese
Could be: Wednesday-night DJ at the Gasoline Pony bar in Marrickville
Should be: Stand-in for Reggie the Rabbit, South Sydney’s team mascot
Will be: John Holland infrastructure lobbyist, focusing on VFT projects
Penny Wong
Could be: Secretary-general of the United Nations
Should be: The new host of the ABC’s Hard Quiz
Will be: A disquietingly forensic addition to the P&C Association at her kids’ school
Dave Sharma
Could be: New host of Amazon Prime’s Luxe Listings: Sydney
Should be: Working with Oxfam Australia on food security programs in Timor-Leste
Will be: A day trader with a chip on his shoulder
Bridget McKenzie
Could be: An elite member of the SAS
Should be: A minimum-wage cleaner, responsible for the sanitation and maintenance of all pre-1990 sports change rooms in non-marginal seats
Will be: Inaugural CEO of the Australian branch of the National Rifle Association
Richard Marles
Could be: A difficult question in future editions of Trivial Pursuit
Should be: A regular participant of police identification parades. Just having Marles there makes the other suspects more memorable
Will be: The unflappable Bert to Christopher Pyne’s flamboyant Ernie in the inevitable reboot of the Pyne & Marles show on Sky.
Michaelia Cash
Could be: CEO of Squawky Talky, an online provider of niche and novelty voices for Sat Nav systems
Should be: The host of new SBS cooking show The World of Indian Food
Will be: Mistaken for Julie Bishop for the rest of her days
Bill Shorten
Could be: Brand ambassador for “Sideways Sausage Day”
Should be: Australia’s best-known ASMR superstar
Will be: CEO of the Zinger Institute — a not-for-profit dedicated to protecting promising careers from the scourge of lame puns, non-sequiturs and bad deliveries
Peter Dutton
Could be: An Easter Island statue
Should be: Returned to the icy wasteland of Tuber Hoth where his 12 blood-husbands await his triumphant return
Will be: A popular attraction in a Beijing petting zoo
Clive Palmer
Could be: A well-loved philanthropist
Should be: A constitutional lawyer based in Fremantle
Will be: The patron saint of cash-starved mainstream media organisations and purveyors of Pantone Medium Yellow C
