Ali Martin’s report has arrived, so I’ll leave you with that. It’s been quite a day. Thanks for your company and emails - goodnight!
Mind the windows, Jonny
Da Silva: "You're batting slow now Jonny, like me"
— Cricket on BT Sport (@btsportcricket) March 26, 2022
The very next over, Bairstow tries to boost his strike-rate and edges behind. #WIvENG | BT Sport 1 HD pic.twitter.com/ejvqBm4HPQ
In happier news, England will qualify for the World Cup semi-final if they beat Bangladesh in Wellington. You can follow that with James Wallace and Tanya Aldred.
Updated
The batting coach Marcus Trescothick’s verdict
“We’re gutted at how we’ve performed today. The boys are fairly honest - they know we’ve made some poor decisions. We all understand that it wasn’t good enough and that we need to be better. A lot of what we’ve done in the first two Test matches has been good, and the team has produced some great performances, so let’s not judge it just on today.”
Updated
A glassy-eyed Joe Root applauds Chris Woakes and Jack Leach as they return to the dressing-room. England are 10 runs ahead, and will probably lose by 10 wickets tomorrow. West Indies have been tougher, more skilful but most of all smarter. Two performances stand out: Joshua Da Silva’s memorable maiden Test century, and a quite remarkable spell of 13-7-9-5 from the medium-pacer Kyle Mayers.
Close of play
53rd over: England 103-8 (Woakes 9, Leach 1) Kyle Mayers swerves a fine delivery past Leach’s inside edge. Leach lives to fight another day and so do England, just about, but at some stage tomorrow they will be thrashed by West Indies. Even by England’s recent standards, it’s been a shocker.
“Rob,” writes Rob, “have you or anyone else noticed one or two players on the England balcony (if that’s what it is) looking at what seems to be an I-Spy bird book?!”
I hadn’t, but I’m on it now. This could trump Kyle Mayers’ five-for as the day’s big news.
Updated
52nd over: England 103-8 (Woakes 9, Leach 1) Seales, on for Joseph, starts with a nasty bouncer that hits Leach in the grille. There’s a break in play while he is checked for concussion. Like Chris the sheep, he’s fine, and England inch ever close to taking this game into a fourth day. They lead by 10.
“It’s the end of Joe Root as we know him,” says Matt Deasey. “And I feel fine!”
51st over: England 102-8 (Woakes 9, Leach 0) Woakes and Leach, two proud, decent fellas who aren’t especially responsible for this mess, are digging in in an attempt to take this game to a fourth day.
Ian Bishop makes a good point on BT Sport - with all the understandable criticism of England’s batting, we haven’t given Kyle Mayers nearly enough credit for his accuracy and skill. Jimmy Anderson would be proud of his performance in this game.
The fact Jimmy Anderson may have delivered an equivalent performance had he been selected is neither here nor there.
England have basically given up, like they did on the last evening in Hobart. I’m afraid there’s no way Root can stay on now - his players aren’t fighting for him.
— Lawrence Booth (@the_topspin) March 26, 2022
50th over: England 102-8 (Woakes 9, Leach 0) On the plus side, plus sides are so passe.
“Evening Rob,” says Brad McMillan. “A rare night ‘out out’ for me yesterday (an ‘ultra 90s tribute’, since you ask) and, being in my 40s, I’ve wasted the entire day in hangover recovery and nursing back pain. The last time I checked the cricket score was around 5.30pm yesterday, when the West Indies were 90-something for 6. I’m now compos mentis for the first time since and, being in my 40s, feel somewhat nostalgic about the 90s-like manner in which England have managed to completely turn their situation around.”
Come on, you can’t tease us with “ultra 90s tribute” and not tell us which bands were involved.
49th over: England 101-8 (Woakes 8, Leach 0) Kyle Mayers has figures of 11-5-9-5. What the actual dickens.
“Kyle Mayers,” says Mia Distonia, “the Scottie Boland of the Windies!”
WICKET! England 101-8 (Overton c Holder b Mayers 1)
Kyle Mayers has his first Test five-for! Overton plays a risible stroke, chasing a wide one and slicing it straight to Holder at fourth slip. He takes the catch at the second attempt, and Mayers has five for nine.
Updated
48th over: England 101-7 (Woakes 8, Overton 1) West Indies could still win this tonight, though time is getting tight. Joseph continues round the wicket, the change of angle that blew the innings open after a good partnership between Lees and Bairstow, and is flapped for a couple of singles by Woakes. England lead by SE7EN. Make that EI&HT, after a single from Overton off the final ball.
“Evening Rob,” says Neil Way. “The idea of a Barmy Army Swans-along caused an outburst of violent laughter that was only exacerbated by the Bernard Tancred scorecard. Is it possible that I should switch off the laptop and maybe take an interest in some other sport?”
A few readers have suggested whisky, though it’s not officially recognised as a sport by the IOC.
47th over: England 97-7 (Woakes 6, Overton 0) Lees battled hard and with a clear head, making 31 from 132 balls. There was nothing he could do about a ball that pitched on off and scuttled under his bat. As for Kyle Mayers, his selection for this game is beyond inspired: he has figures of 10-4-9-4 in this innings and 20-11-22-6 in the match.
WICKET! England 97-7 (Lees b Mayers 31)
Kyle Mayers does it again! Alex Lees is bowled by an unplayable grubber, and England are on the brink of a desperate defeat.
Updated
46th over: England 97-6 (Lees 31, Woakes 6) Stand atop the nearest desk, do a silly little jig, thank a higher power for your patriotic predilection: England are in the lead. A ball from Joseph to Woakes ran away for four leg byes, and the entire England balcony punched the air in triumph.
45th over: England 90-6 (Lees 30, Woakes 4) Mayers, who has match figures of five for 22 from 19 overs, beats Woakes with a little nibbler outside of off stump.
“Foakes is making a lot of us look quite foolish in this Test,” says Luke Regan. “Average keeping and nothing with the bat. He averages 16 in the West Indies across two tours. Can no talent prosper in this side? It’s a graveyard of potential, just like Old Trafford. There’s nobody I would sooner share a miserable collapse with, if it’s any consolation.”
Consolation’s a strong word.
44th over: England 88-6 (Lees 30, Woakes 2) Joseph continues to bowl short stuff from round the wicket. Woakes flicks one off the hip to get off the mark, then Lees pings a pull to deep midwicket for a couple and square-drives a single. He’s two runs away from the highest score of his fledgling Test career.
“Thank goodness for our lower-order batsmen,” says Kirstie Andrews. “This is surely the last Test in which Root captains England.”
I wouldn’t be that sure.
43rd over: England 83-6 (Lees 27, Woakes 0) Kyle Mayers, with three wickets and a run-out to his name, returns to the attack. Lees ignores a series of tempters outside off stump. Since you asked, Lees has already beaten the lowest score by an opener carrying his bat in a Test cricket. If only there was a transcript of Bernard Tancred’s internal monologue during this innings.
“The magnificence of the Swans!” says John Little of our musical interlude in the 39th over. “Michael Gira could be guaranteed to bring a certain, erm, ‘intensity’ to the captaincy but I fear for the players. And possibly the crowd.”
42nd over: England 83-6 (Lees 27, Woakes 0) It wasn’t quite Mind the Windows, but I suspect Joshua Da Silva’s sledging Bairstow out will go down in the folklore of West Indies v England, especially as it comes on the back of a series-winning maiden Test century.
In other news, Alex Lees could carry his bat here.
WICKET! England 83-6 (Foakes run out 2)
The red-ball regret continues. Ben Foakes turns for a dodgy second and is beaten by a fast throw from - yep - Kyle Mayers. Joshua Da Silva takes it beautifully and breaks the stumps with Foakes just short.
Updated
WICKET! England 80-5 (Bairstow c Da Silva b Joseph 22)
Make that 95/5 in favour of West Indies. Jonny Bairstow has under-edged a pull through to the keeper off Alzarri Joseph, who decided to bang a few in from round the wicket.
Bairstow was being sledged by Joshua Da Silva about his slow strike-rate, having done likewise to Da Silva yesterday, and it looks like he was suckered into that shot. Bairstow played well but that was a pretty miserable heave across the line.
Updated
41st over: England 80-4 (Lees 26, Bairstow 22) Blackwood continues to no great effect. There was a suggestion that Kyle Mayers had a problem with his hamstring; that would explain why he hasn’t returned to the attack.
“Hey Rob, how are you sir?” write Paul and Ben, sounding suspiciously like the moose (as voiced by Manuel) in Fawlty Towers. “What is CricViz - or even better, RobViz - saying about the chance of victory for England or the Windies? Watching here in NYC with Jonny Segura (an American and cricket noob) and trying to explain that even though we’re moments away from calamitous defeat…. we could also be building toward a glorious victory.”
BobViz reckons it’s about 85/15 in favour of West Indies. But oh my, what a glorious 15.
40th over: England 79-4 (Lees 26, Bairstow 22) Lees pulls Joseph for another single, then Bairstow drives into the covers for one. It’s slow progress - there have been only four boundaries since the second over - but England will take that over the fast regress they were threatening at 39 for four. This pair have more than doubled the score.
39th over: England 77-4 (Lees 25, Bairstow 21) The part-time offspinner Jermaine Blackwood comes into the attack, a surprising move from Kraigg Brathwaite. A pair of singles continue England’s mini-revival, and now it’s time for drinks.
“Having been out in Barbados for the 2nd Test with the Barmies,” says Stuart Veck, “I can confirm that I’m in the Mood for Dancing is a song for Saqib Mahmood:
‘Saqib Mahmood for bowling/
Controlling/
He’s bowling them out tonight’
Not entirely sure why it’s being sung at the moment though!”
We all know what the Barmy Army should be singing right now.
38th over: England 75-4 (Lees 24, Bairstow 20) England are inching towards parity, picking up singles without risk, and for the first time in this innings West Indies look slightly flat. I’m surprised we haven’t had another spell from Kyle Mayers, who wreaked havoc before tea. England trail by 18.
37th over: England 71-4 (Lees 23, Bairstow 18) “I’m intrigued by talk of a Sibley revival,” says Will Lane. “I thought the consensus was that he lacked one more scoring area - as he could score to midwicket-ish (if memory serves me correctly) but got too bogged down when the opposition cottoned on to the fact that he struggled to pick up runs elsewhere.
“Personally, I can forgive Crawley the odd successive failure for fluent 30s and 40s. Happy to see Sibley back in the long term if he can prove me wrong scoring wise, but from what I hear he also struggles with scoring areas on the county circuit?”
He scored more first-class hundreds than anyone in the world over a two-year period, though that was before he started to struggle in Test cricket. He certainly has the capacity to reel off hundreds in county cricket, though a lot will depend on how he starts next summer as he tends to blow quite hot and cold. And at the moment I don’t think there’s a vacancy - if he returns it will surely be in place of Lees, who has earned another chance, rather than Crawley.
36th over: England 70-4 (Lees 22, Bairstow 18) Joseph, on for Seales, is worked for three singles. This has been a determined, level-headed partnership - it’s only worth 31 runs, but we all have to start somewhere.
“Nix to whiskey,” says Robert Wilson. “Bottled Guinness is the only way to go during a Windies Test - simultaneously respecting all traditions. I’m chugging away, trying to time the football supporter cheers (there’s a match on) in my Parisian neighbourhood to what’s going (on or not) in the Test. It’s quite a good laugh. Round here, they’re loving every single candid of the umpires.
“This is a fantastic game. I would say quit your whining but I know it’s the only true pleasure England fans get, all nostalgia, sentiment and strange boyhood feelings about Phil Edmond’s sun tan. Here’s to you all. And hoping it ends in a heartbreaking Lees 99 and your longed-for frothing ecstasy of self-loathing and abnegation.”
Sounds like a promising opening partnerhip.
35th over: England 67-4 (Lees 20, Bairstow 17) Bairstow shapes to pull a short ball from Holder then thinks better of it. Another maiden, Holder’s fifth and West Indies’ 14th in this innings. One of the problems for England is that, while survival is looking a bit easier, run-scoring becomes much harder as the ball gets softer. So if they are to set West Indies anything resembling a tricky target, they’ll need to bat for a very long time. With that, good luck.
34th over: England 67-4 (Lees 20, Bairstow 17) Seales moves over the wicket to Lees, who fiddles a boundary to third man. That was a good bit of bowling, though Lees softened his hands sufficiently to ensure the ball bounced short of the slips.
“What’s the story behind the fans singing ‘I’m in the mood for dancing’?” says Andrew Goudie. “I’m all for a Nolans revival, by the way.”
I haven’t a clue I’m afraid, but I’m happy you’ve confirmed your stance on a potential revival.
33rd over: England 63-4 (Lees 16, Bairstow 17) Bairstow is beaten by a good one from Holder that holds its line and keeps slightly low. He offers no stroke to the next ball, which jags back to hit him high on the back leg. That’s a dangerous leave on a pitch offering uneven bounce, but he gets away with it.
“Were we all too quick to write off Dom Sibley?” says Mike Jakeman. “Agree he needed a break after the India series, but I thought he might be out for a match or two, not disappear from the conversation entirely. He was never lacking the application, even if he did have a tendency to get bogged down a bit.”
I like Sibley, who was a counter-intuitive matchwinner in his first spell as a Test player, but I do worry about the damage that has been done by the disproportionate criticism as much as the low scores that led to him being dropped. I’m sure he’ll play Test cricket again though.
32nd over: England 63-4 (Lees 16, Bairstow 17) A rare loose stroke from Bairstow, who tries to cut Seales and is beaten. He takes a single off the last ball to keep the strike.
31st over: England 62-4 (Lees 16, Bairstow 16) Jason Holder replaces Alzarri Joseph (4-1-11-0). His second ball keeps low and bounces through Da Silva for a bye. Lees, squinting into the sun, defends the rest of the over. England trail by 31.
“Didn’t Chris Cowdrey get picked as England captain for one match, simply because selector Ted Dexter thought he would cheer everyone up?” says Peter Metcalfe. “How about Peter Kay for the next Test?”
Couldn’t we have Steve Smith instead?
30th over: England 61-4 (Lees 16, Bairstow 16) I’ve just realised that the wicketkeeper Joshua Da Silva, who went off before tea with a hand injury, is back on the field. You’re welcome.
Seales jags a good delivery back into Bairstow, who drags it into the leg side for a single. Both batters are 16 not out: Lees from 89 balls, Bairstow from 44. We’ve still no idea whether Lees will make it as a Test opener but his temperament looks pretty sound.
29th over: England 60-4 (Lees 16, Bairstow 15) Lees takes a quick single into the off side, and Bairstow does likewise off the next delivery. Batting is starting to get a bit easier, as it did in the first two innings.
“Has everyone forgotten that last year Stokes took a break partly for mental health reasons, plus he is already a player who personally takes on the responsibility of the whole team?” says Neil Parkes. “Let him be the vice, sure, and front up occasionally, but don’t give him the whole shebang. If he’s got any sense, he won’t want it anyway, but if he’s offered it he’d probably feel bound to take it. Don’t! Give it to Broad, or Burns, or Bairstow, or bring back Malan and give it to him. Not Stokes!”
I think you’re right. This is part of the problem, that there’s nothing even resembling an ideal solution.
28th over: England 59-4 (Lees 15, Bairstow 14) Seales replaces Roach and starts with a quiet over, two from it. England trail by 35. They’re still in this game, though it doesn’t feel like it.
“It’s hard to know where to start with the England Test team, Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “Although whisky is normally a good bet. Currently watching the 1989 Ashes highlights just to cheer myself up.”
Australia were sponsored by XXXX in that series. England were sponsored, at least unofficially, by Bruichladdich’s X4, a light 92% ABV whisky.
27th over: England 56-4 (Lees 14, Bairstow 13) Bairstow times Joseph through backward point for another boundary. He’s in brusque mood, and there are few finer sights in international sport.
“I’m on the whisky too!” says Matt Dunnill. “I used to sit on my grandad’s knee watching England and he’d be sat there miss afternoon with a stiff one EVERY TIME. I never really understood why he was such an angry man at times, and so placid at others. I get it now Syd. Cheers! This one’s for you!”
When you say this one.
26th over: England 51-4 (Lees 14, Bairstow 8) Roach beats Lees with a fabulous delivery that pitches just outside off stump and straightens sharply. Yet another maiden. Lees (14 from 76 balls) is going nowhere, which is both a good and bad thing for England.
25th over: England 51-4 (Lees 14, Bairstow 8) Bairstow slaps a short ball from Joseph through point for four, a terrific shot that takes England past 50. He only has eight from 33 balls but he has played well and looks in the mood for another up-yours hundred.
“For all this talk of potential candidates being Brearley with a bat, how about Brearley with a pen?” says Aeddan Shaw. “I’d like to second your noble proposal to resolve England’s captaincy woes by taking on the mantle. I’m not sure what your averages are like at present, but can’t be much worse than some of the current squad and we could at least be guaranteed an eloquent press conference and write-up afterwards. Cometh the hour, cometh the Smyth.”
So who did you have in mind for the press conferences? This is the thing - we all criticise Root, and that’s fair enough given how bad England are, but I know I couldn’t handle 0.00001 per cent of the pressure he has been under in the past year. We shouldn’t forget how hard it is.
Updated
24th over: England 47-4 (Lees 14, Bairstow 4) I feel slightly ridiculous typing this given the match situation, but Bairstow has actually started pretty well. He’s moving nicely and middling his (mostly defensive) strokes.
“After some people were guilty of seeing the last two Tests in terms of some batting revival, and the praying for a result pitch here, isn’t this the perfect illustration of ‘be careful what you wish for’?” says Paul Cockburn.
All hail the red-ball regret.
Updated
23rd over: England 45-4 (Lees 13, Bairstow 3) Alzarri Joseph replaces Kyle Mayers at the wicket buffet. Bairstow nails a pull but can’t beat midwicket; it’s another maiden, the tenth of the innings.
Updated
22nd over: England 45-4 (Lees 13, Bairstow 3) There are still 38 overs to bowl today, time permitting, so this could be all over tonight. Kemar Roach continues after the tea break, producing a terrific delivery to beat Alex Lees. Two from the over.
“ I’m on the whisky, Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “The England cricket team will do this to you. It should be in the Laws of Cricket.
Law 43. When England are batting, a large glass of whisky shall be on hand at all times. Law 44. When England are bowling, Law 43 applies.
Kyle Mayers is 81st in the ICC men’s Test bowling rankings, just below Dushmantha Chameera, Victor Nyauchi and Yamin Ahmadzi. He’s taken three for seven from seven overs against England in a series decider.
“Is Darren Stevens watching Mayers bowl in this match and wondering why so many people are complaining about his domination of the County Championship?” wonders KP.
Never mind that, how much captaincy experience does Darren Stevens have? How about coaching experience? Managing director?
Tea
21st over: England 43-4 (Lees 11, Bairstow 3) That’s tea. If you’re just joining us, England are fifty runs behind. They’re also fifty shades of shambles.
Updated
20th over: England 41-4 (Lees 11, Bairstow 1) Kemar Roach returns in place of Jason Holder. Lees reaches for a wide yorker and inside-edges the ball just wide of leg stump. Bairstow drives a single to get off the mark and to take England within 52 runs of avoiding an innings defeat.
England are in serious trouble as Stokes becomes Mayers' latest victim.
— Cricket on BT Sport (@btsportcricket) March 26, 2022
They're 39-3, still trailing by 54 runs.#WIvENG | BT Sport 1 HD pic.twitter.com/nXb0Q8BGEL
19th over: England 39-4 (Lees 10, Bairstow 0) A maiden from Mayers to Bairstow, who remains scoreless and thus still on a pair.
“This business of it being a massive thing to change your captain us a barrier to progress, and we are all a bit guilty of adding fuel to the fire with our speculation,” says Mike Waters. “ But why not choose a team, then decide who is most likely to get the best from the other 10 in that game. Play cricket. Repeat.
“If England pick a team that most of us expect for the next Test in England, there will be at least three serious options to call the toss. Mr Root himself, Stokes, Broad, plus maybe Burns. I expect Anderson, Crawley and Woakes could also do a reasonable job if selected, both seem sensible lads. Very few would you shake your head about and say, ‘No way’.”
18th over: England 39-4 (Lees 10, Bairstow 0) Lees gets away with a risky leave off Holder, with the ball just - and I mean just - missing the off stump. After another maiden over, Lees has 10 from 58 balls.
“I’m all for a change, Joe Root is pretty clueless as seen so often during his reign,” says Martin in Preston. “But not Broad, please no. England would burn their reviews in his first over. One of the Oakses more likely candidates: Stokes is experienced and a life force; Woakes has been around plenty too and could win through sheer niceness; and Foakes comes across as level-headed and thoughtful.”
The problem with Woakes and Foakes is that they are both still fighting for their place in the team. Mind you, that applies to pretty much everyone apart from Root and Stokes. It’s quite a mess.
17th over: England 39-4 (Lees 10, Bairstow 0) Kyle Mayers, who essentially bowls like Darren Stevens, has figures of 5-1-5-3.
WICKET! England 39-4 (Stokes c Bonner b Mayers 4)
This is unbelievable. The ball after Lees was dropped by Bonner in the slips, Stokes tried to leave a short ball from Mayers and got the slightest touch through to the stand-in wicketkeeper Brooks. He set off on a lap of honour, Stokes smiled in disbelief, and England are facing humiliation.
Updated
West Indies need to change their wicketkeeper. Joshua Da Silva, who was hit on the right hand during his series-winning hundred, is struggling and has left the field. Shamarh Brooks is going to take over.
16th over: England 38-3 (Lees 9, Stokes 4) There is a way back for England in this game, but realistically they need to be batting at this stage tomorrow to have any chance. Lees, who looks pretty calm despite the unfolding fiasco at the other end, push-drives Holder for a couple.
15th over: England 34-3 (Lees 6, Stokes 3) Apologies, we’re having a few technical problems, and you can add your own punchline. Lees offers no stroke to a nipbacker from Mayers that almost hits the off stump.
The good news is that England haven’t lost a wicket since the 11th over. The bad news is everything else.
14th over: England 33-3 (Lees 6, Stokes 2)
13th over: England 32-3 (Lees 6, Stokes 1) Stokes turns Mayers round the corner for a single to get off the mark.
“Evening, Smyth,” says Sean Clayton. “Never mind being at 6s and 7s; at this rate, England will be at 10s and 11s in an hour. Jack, Saq and not much craic.”
Wasn’t that a straight-to-video Seann William Scott movie?
12th over: England 31-3 (Lees 6, Stokes 0) Jason Holder replaces Jayden Seales, and Lees continues to defend diligently in the hope someone at the other end will hang around for more than ten minutes. A maiden.
“My thanks to John Starbuck for illuminating the origins of Emily Brontë’s multiple narrators,” says Tim Sanders. “It explains why Lockwood conveniently took to his bed with a tight hamstring, and could only relay third hand to the reader Nelly’s report of Heathcliff’s description of his desperate and grisly scrabbling at Cathy’s grave. Almost as desperate and grisly as a captain running out of ideas to break a tenth-wicket partnership.”
There are two types of leave...
— Cricket on BT Sport (@btsportcricket) March 26, 2022
England are in disarray at 27-3 as Lawrence departs for a duck. #WIvENG | BT Sport 1 HD pic.twitter.com/6X9H5tOUsb
11th over: England 31-3 (Lees 6, Stokes 0) A wide delivery from Mayers beats Da Silva and flies away to the boundary. Byes is standing alone on the burning deck - 12 not out, the only thing to reach double figures.
Another eventful over concludes with a big LBW shout against Stokes that is turned down. It was too high.
“Hi Rob,” says Geoff Hart. “A few months ago your colleague, Tim de Lisle, argued for Stuart Broad as captain and it makes a lot of sense. He has an excellent cricket brain and is super competitive. Watching him play for Notts he is always coming up with suggestions. His teammates all say he is very motivating on the field. Ben Stokes can stay as vice-captain until he is ready to take over.”
I agree, and having Stokes as vice-captain would mean it’s fine for Broad to miss the occasional Test to manage his workload.
Mayers gets Root again! ☝️
— Cricket on BT Sport (@btsportcricket) March 26, 2022
England are struggling at 27-2, still trailing by 66 runs 😳#WIvENG pic.twitter.com/YZfLGjv7OJ
Dan Lawrence has gone for a duck! He padded up to a very good delivery form Mayers that veered back off the same to hit the top of off stump. That’s Lawrence’s fifth duck in 11 Tests. There’s a lot to like about him but I’m not sure he’s a Test No4. England are at sixes and sevens, partly because almost all of their batters are sixes and sevens.
Updated
WICKET! England 27-3 (Lawrence b Mayers 0)
Oh good lord.
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10th over: England 27-2 (Lees 6, Lawrence 0) If you include India last summer, England are in danger of a fifth consecutive series defeat. The last time that happened (excluding one-off Tests, specifically the one in Sri Lanka in 1992-93) was... never.
“Failing Broad (who might be affronted by an offer) who else is there?” says John Starbuck. “Experience of captaincy is obviously going to be the main criterion so who, among the counties, has the best record and is English enough?”
Stokes is an option, if his mental state is right and he bowls less. Tom Abell. Me. I do agree the lack of candidates is a concern, though that’s no reason for continuing with something that clearly doesn’t work.
9th over: England 27-2 (Lees 6, Lawrence 0) Actually that was a smart catch from Campbell, two-handed to his right at first slip. It was a poor shot from Root, probably betraying a scrambled brain after that unwelcome stint in the field this morning. England are still 66 runs behind, but there’s no Root any more.
“Yes, it’s definitely hearsay on Branderson, but if Strauss is behind the decision, that’s really perverse,” says David Horn. “In a temporary role, he gives backing to a flawed (at best) captain but then strips him of his two best bowlers. Root, confirmed as captain, doesn’t kick up a stink and say, ‘If you’re picking me to lead the reset, I need the weapons to do so’. Something’s not right in that scenario. If Root wasn’t behind the decision, he rolled over. It’s hard to see how he hasn’t been undermined - both by himself and those around him.”
I saw it as a typical Strauss shockwave – nobody is safe, etc, but Anderson and Broad can come back for the summer. No idea whether that’s correct or not. Root tends to go with the flow, which I’d argue isn’t quite the same as rolling over (though it is a weakness).
Updated
WICKET! England 27-2 (Root c Campbell b Mayers 5)
Kyle Mayers dismisses Joe Root again! It was a fairly harmless delivery, back of a length outside off stump, and Root edged a back-foot force straight to Joel Campbell. England are in all sorts.
Updated
8th over: England 25-1 (Lees 6, Root 3) Root is beaten by a jaffa from Seales that straightens outside off stump. Lees then throws his hands at a very wide delivery, slicing it over the slips for four. It was in the air but safe enough on the ‘flash hard’ principle.
The last ball of the over goes for four byes, and I have no idea what happened because I was gawping at my inbox.
“Could you possibly do a Marty McFly and get one of those almanac things from the future so I can just skip ahead to Zak’s next hundred and not watch the 10-15 Tests of awful dismissals in between?” says Ian Truman. “Would be much appreciated.”
It’s becoming a concern, isn’t it. I’d invest in him for a while yet though.
7th over: England 16-1 (Lees 2, Root 2) Lees digs out a yorker for Roach, the most notable event of another maiden over. Their head-to-head battle has been an intriguing feature of the series from the first morning in Antigua, and Lees has fought back well from his initial struggles.
“I think what I’m most cross about is the cowardice,” says Andy Bradshaw. “Why not pick Parkinson? He’d have gone for a few runs but I bet he’d have cleaned up the tail. What’s the point of Overton? Why play him when playing Woakes? And then as for i- game captaincy, why didn’t Root bowl Lawrence? Why did Root wait so long to bowl himself? I’m proper ticking, which is something I don’t usually do when England are being rubbish, but this seems so avoidable, and yet they keep repeating the same mistakes.”
They might still win the series, though I agree that doesn’t change much. Thing is, there’s no quick fix for this - a new captain would help, but there are so many fundamental problems, and England’s four best players are all in their thirties. We could be facing a period that makes the late eighties seem like a golden age.
6th over: England 16-1 (Lees 2, Root 2) Seales has to abort successive deliveries to Root, who pulls away at the last minute because of movement behind the bowler’s arm. The chap in question, despite being berated by Seales, continues to swan along without a care in the world. He could not give a solitary flip.
Root, who is on a pair, offers no stroke to a ball from Seales that doesn’t miss off stump by much. Then he gets off the mark with a steer through backward point for a couple.
“Very much a leftfield suggestion,” says Ade Couper, “but... how about Moeen? Think he’s vice-captain of the ODI & T20 sides, he has captained at Worcester - maybe worth asking him to come back to Test cricket as captain?”
He’s a really good white-ball captain, but it would be a bit strange to retire and then come back as skipper a few months later. I’m not sure he’d be interested anyway. He struggled mentally with Test cricket when he was just another player, so I suspect it would be too much, certainly at this stage of his career.
5th over: England 14-1 (Lees 2, Root 0) Roach continues to probe outside Lees’s off stump, and beats him with consecutive outswingers. The first was an iffy shot, the second a beautiful piece of bowling. England are on the edge of ignominy.
“Afternoon Rob,” says David Horn. “I too had imagined Eoin Morgan in a kind of ‘Brearley but better’ (with the bat) role with the Test squad, and agree that ship has sailed. One of the things that irks me most about the Branderson situation is that we might end up missing out on the brains that combined for over 1100 Test wickets, ostensibly because Root felt they somehow undermined his leadership/hindered the progress of the reset.
“Having Morgan as an off-field captain/mentor for whoever is in charge of the test team, while Branderson nurture the next generation of seamers (when their time is actually over) would be amazing. But I wonder whether this much mis-management has scuppered that dream for good. Grrr. Here’s to a fraught evening of drama.”
Do we know that Root didn’t want them on this tour or is that just hearsay? I might be wrong, but it felt like a Strauss decision to me. I fully expect them to be back at the start of the summer.
4th over: England 14-1 (Lees 2, Root 0) The new batter is Joe Root, whose internal monologue right now must be a riot.
Jayden. Seales. 🔥
— Cricket on BT Sport (@btsportcricket) March 26, 2022
He proves too good for Crawley once again and Holder makes no mistake with the catch 👏#WIvENG | BT Sport 1 HD pic.twitter.com/AmQ09UIkOR
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WICKET! England 14-1 (Crawley c Holder b Seales 8)
Oh dear. Crawley launches into another big drive at Seales, but this time the ball swings enough to take the edge and Jason Holder does the rest at second slip. I love Zak Crawley but that was a poor stroke.
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3rd over: England 14-0 (Lees 2, Crawley 8) Lees gets a grubber from Roach that is thankfully well wide of off stump. When a delivery like that is straight, the batter has no chance. Roach then spears four byes down the leg side to reduce England’s deficit to 79.
“Hi Rob,” says Felix Wood. “For the first time maybe ever I’m sort of hoping England lose a Test series because it might mean a change of captain. Only sort of, because I don’t think it will. Nothing is new in this Test. For such a wonderful batsman with such an instinctive feel, Root has a complete tin ear for the rhythm of the game, seemingly unable to grasp the moment or make decisions proactively.
“Even when he does something funky you can almost see him thinking ‘I must do something funky now. I’ll randomly select something funky’. And then there’s the baffling periods of play when he seems to forget bowlers exist. The panicky switch to being defensive. He hadn’t captained when he was made captain, and it still feels like this is his first Test. The captaincy is so bad, so damagingly bad, that I almost think this is some cunning ploy to put everyone off Test cricket and focus of the short form. And to those who ask, ‘Well who else?’ the simple answer is ‘Literally anybody else who has a vague feel for captaincy’. Even if they don’t bowl or bat, they can’t be more damaging to the side than this.”
2nd over: England 10-0 (Lees 2, Crawley 8) There’s some swing for Jayden Seales as well. Zak Crawley gets off the mark with a straight drive that goes through Seales at shoulder height and ricochets for four. “Notionally it’s a chance, I suppose,” says Mark Butcher on BT Sport. Crawley drives the next ball handsomely over extra cover for another boundary. He really does play some majestic strokes.
1st over: England 2-0 (Lees 2, Crawley 0) Kemar Roach goes straight round the wicket to Alex Lees, with two slips and a gully. You’d think that, with their fragile morale, England have to start well if they’re going to win this game.
Roach’s second ball is a dangerous full-length outswinger that Lees edges along the ground for a couple. There’s swing for Roach throughout that over, an encouraging sign for West Indies.
You are cordially invited to get behind the sofa quicksmart: the England innings is about to begin.
“For what it’s worth, I think they should install Eoin Morgan as Test captain for 18 months to sort this mess out,” writes Seth Ennis. “I know he didn’t cut the mustard at Test level, but he is a shrewd captain who is respected and willing to take risks. Play him at No7 – he might be good for 20 to 30 runs and would be invaluable in the field.”
I was all for this at one stage, but personally I think it’s too late now. He’s 35 and has had a few injuries. I also fear he is just starting to check out mentally. In hindsight I’m glad it didn’t happen because it might have interfered with 2019. I would go for Stuart Broad until the end of the 2023 Ashes, but I can’t see that happening.
“Afternoon Rob,” says Andy Bradshaw. “At least with your superb knack of taking English wickets, the game will be over by tea. What an absolute shower and if they do lose, Root should resign as captain. To be honest he should resign if they don’t lose. My end of tether has been reached. Just let him bat.”
I’m intrigued by his motivation to continue. Is it just stubbornness? He must know he’s a poor captain, and that it’s draining his joie de vivre. I suspect he’s targetting the 2023 Ashes as an opportunity to go out on a high, but that looks a helluva stretch.
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“I’ve been getting in the mood for the England innings,” begins Robert Smithson, “by re-reading what for me will always be the high-water mark of the OBO: England faceplanting for 51 all out and an innings defeat in 2009.”
Two and a half years later England were No1 in the world, so I think this reset is going swimmingly.
Want to know a bit more about Joshua Da Silva? Of course you do.
“Emily Bronte developed the multiple-narrator style from reading the plays (principally tragedies) of Classical Greece,” writes John Starbuck. “The various narrators feature and all the violence in ‘Wuthering Heights’, which takes place off stage, were described so that the bloody action wouldn’t offend either the audience or the gods. You have to wonder if those times have come again, given the lack of action from England.”
Thanks Tim, hello everyone. Jofra Archer isn’t the only one whose old tweets can come in handy.
Oops, England did it again.
— Chris Gayle (@henrygayle) June 14, 2017
England are now in serious danger of losing a series in the Caribbean for the third time in four visits. Since England’s last victory here, in 2003-04, West Indies have won only five other series at home: three against Bangladesh, one against Zimbabwe and one against New Zealand that I’m sneaking in at the end because it doesn’t entirely suit my narrative of England being a bit of an embarrassment.
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That’s it from me, as I’ve finally reached the end of my tether with England I have something to write for tomorrow’s Observer. Thanks for your company, your correspondence and your controlled fury. It’s over to the great Rob Smyth, whose greatness extends to volunteering for an extra hour’s work when a colleague has a deadline.
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Wicket! Seales c & b Root 13 (West Indies 297 all out)
There it is! For real this time. Seales tries to clonk Root back over his head, but succeeds only in giving him a head-high catch, which he takes with some aplomb.
So Da Silva remains unbeaten, West Indies lead by 93, and England, if they bat the way they did on Thursday, will be in danger of an innings defeat.
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116th over: West Indies 297-9 (Da Silva 100, Seales 13) You couldn’t make it up.
Wicket? Da Silva given out for 100
Gone at last! Da Silva, after raising both arms to the heavens in delight, appear to get an inside edge, which is caught by Foakes. He’s given out by the umpire, he clearly agrees (although he reviews), and off they all go – but he hasn’t touched it! So they all trot back on again.
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A hundred to Da Silva!
115.4 overs: West Indies 297-9 (Da Silva 100, Seales 13) When Root brought himself on, it felt like the classic last over before lunch that is so often given to a spinner. If so, Root was forgetting that intervals are delayed when the last pair are in, even if they look like batting forever. He takes himself off, brings back Overton and possibly regrets it as Da Silva helps himself to a cut for four, to go to his own Test best, and then a wallop down the ground to reach a hard-earned hundred. There have been many hundreds in this series, and that may well be the most significant one.
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Six to Seales!
115th over: West Indies 287-9 (Da Silva 90, Seales 13) That single took Seales to 7, equalling his highest Test score. And now he sails past it by hitting Leach for six! With a proper shot, too: he plants his foot down the pitch and swings a lofted drive over long-on, no trouble. And then he’s missed by Dan Lawrence at silly point – a tough chance as a firm prod goes past Lawrence’s right shin. West Indies lead by 83.
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114th over: West Indies 281-9 (Da Silva 90, Seales 7) In desperation, Root turns to himself. His opening gambit is a good one, an arm ball that smacks Seales on the back leg. It looks plumb, but the shake of the head from the ump is backed up by HawkEye, which reckons the ball was doing a touch too much. Seales nurdles to leg to take his first single for several weeks. Root bowls a bouncer at Da Silva which is so high, and wide of leg stump, that it may well be the worst bouncer of all time.
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Missed stumping! Da Silva on 80
113th over: West Indies 280-9 (Da Silva 90, Seales 6) Facing Leach aiming into the rough, Da Silva finally loses patience and goes for a mow. He misses – but so does Ben Foakes behind the stumps. That was another case where if it had been Jos Buttler, people would have muttered “Foakes would have taken that” Da Silva celebrates his good fortune with a cut for four and a sweep for four more. The lead is 86. Bring back Mahmood! (If he’s on the field.)
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112th over: West Indies 270-9 (Da Silva 80, Seales 6) Overton, after all that time in the deep, is a man with a plan: go round the wicket and bomb Seales. Jofra Archer he is not. I can’t tell if he’s bowling bouncers or slow ones. Either way, it’s yet another maiden.
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111th over: West Indies 270-9 (Da Silva 80, Seales 6) Leach continues, and tries something that doesn’t come naturally to him: a variation. He goes over the wicket to Da Silva, but again it makes no difference, and that’s the fifth maiden in a row.
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110th over: West Indies 270-9 (Da Silva 80, Seales 6) Wonders never cease! Here is Overton. To be fair to Joe Root, and to Ben Stokes who took charge for a few minutes just now, the end product is just the same: a maiden to Seales. He has now Sealed up one end for 85 minutes.
“Quotation marks,” says Tim Sanders. “Your 13.55 (GMT) appeal for ‘single quotes’ reminds me of Emily Brontë’s use of nested narrators in Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff’s new neighbour, Lockwood, narrates most of the story as told to him by Nelly Dean the housekeeper, who in turn reports what other witnesses have told her. I understand it was a source of much sisterly banter that Emily hardly ever got her emails published on the Keighley News OBO.”
That is one of the great emails. It even had “single quotes” in single quotes.
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109th over: West Indies 270-9 (Da Silva 80, Seales 6) Leach bounces back to keep Da Silva quiet. He’s a resilient old soul, but I’m not sure why he’s still on – Overton hasn’t had a single over today.
“How surprising,” says Andy in Brum, “that England are struggling to take tail-end wickets. If only there was a wrist spinner in the squad who could winkle them out.” To be fair, not many pundits would have picked Matt Parkinson for this game – but nearly all of them would have given him a debut in the previous one.
Missed chance! Seales on 6
108th over: West Indies 270-9 (Da Silva 80, Seales 6) Stokes tries a slower ball, Seales plays a chip, the ball lollops up – and Leach, at mid-on, seems not to see it in time to dive forward. Those ones are never easy, but Leach, when he gets home, may need to go to Specsavers.
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107th over: West Indies 270-9 (Da Silva 80, Seales 6) Leach to Da Silva: five dots, then Leach fires one down leg side and gets away with it, prompting a rueful smile from Da Silva. The cameras cut away to the steel band, who are warming up for the lunch break with a more urgent rhythm than we’ve seen from the players.
“Ah it’s so comforting,” says Guy Hornsby, “the dull mediocrity. But added to it, we have a repetition of injuring bowlers, leaving the best quick at 1st change, and no slips when needing wickets. All we need now is the inevitable top order collapse. Sweet, sweet England.”
106th over: West Indies 270-9 (Da Silva 80, Seales 6) Da Silva gets the shovel out yet again to pull Stokes for a single. He goes into the 80s, which is like making 150 on a featherbed.
105th over: West Indies 269-9 (Da Silva 79, Seales 6) Leach tries to keep Da Silva quiet by bowling wide of off, but the last ball is short enough to allow a late cut. This game, so unlike the previous two in most respects, has mimicked them in one way: for the third time running, West Indies’ first innings has been longer than England’s. The difference was 57 overs in Antigua, 37 in Barbados, and it’s been 16 so far in Grenada. It doesn’t reflect well on England’s bowling, or Joe Root’s captaincy. They’ve shown plenty of heart but not enough brain.
104th over: West Indies 268-9 (Da Silva 78, Seales 6) It’s still Stokes, so Craig Overton must be either injured or seriously miffed. With a whole over to bowl at Seales, Stokes can only manage a maiden.
Another email from Adam Roberts. “I’m very sad to say that Joe Root is doing his best to confirm all my worst fears about his captaincy.”
103rd over: West Indies 268-9 (Da Silva 78, Seales 6) Root persists with Leach, which is fine by Da Silva. His second attempt at a big hit is a better one, a lofted straight drive that is inches away from a six. This partnership has now dragged on for 12 overs.
Here’s Tom van der Gucht, with that lethal backhand of his. “There’s something vaguely heroic,” he slyly announces, “about Root’s obsession with picking the most anodyne and unthreatening bowling line-up available. His obsession with military medium and gentle finger-spin, despite it seemingly never paying off and there being potentially more threatening options available,reminds me of Bart Simpson’s approach to Rock, paper, scissors.”
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102nd over: West Indies 264-9 (Da Silva 74, Seales 6) Stokes tries a bouncer and Da Silva is equal to it, playing a comfortable pull to take his customary single. The lead is 60.
On Twitter, Gary Naylor picks up on my musings about Mahmoud’s length and whether the last man to bowl so full so early in his England career was Darren Gough. “Alan Mullally bowled that length,” he reckons. “Two feet outside the off stump.” Ha.
101st over: West Indies 263-9 (Da Silva 73, Seales 6) Da Silva, facing Leach, blocks the first five balls, then goes for that mow I mentioned. It’s a right old cowshot, but it lands safely in the middle of nowhere and brings him a single.
100th over: West Indies 262-9 (Da Silva 72, Seales 6) Stokes finds the edge of Seales’s bat – only to see it going to the vacant third slip and trickling away for four. West Indies lead by 58.
“Good job,” says Felix Wood, “that without Broad and Anderson around Root won’t feel bullied into wasting his reviews on spurious and over-optimistic appeals. Good job indeed.”
Drinks: 'pathetic' from England
99th over: West Indies 257-9 (Da Silva 71, Seales 2) Saqib Mahmood goes off the field, no doubt preparing to open the batting. On comes Jack Leach, so Da Silva can forget about his finger and have a mow if he feels like it. He cuts, hard, but again spurns the single. Then he sweeps and misses, prompting an LBW appeal and a shake of the head from the ump as there was an under-edge. After four deliveries, the field barely changes. Da Silva is able to get out his shovel and work the ball past Root at midwicket. And that’s drinks, with West Indies on top and England teetering. “I’ll be totally honest,” splutters Michael Vaughan, “they’ve been absolutely pathetic.” Apart from Mahmood.
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98th over: West Indies 256-9 (Da Silva 70, Seales 2) Da Silva, shovelling to leg as usual, turns down a single off Stokes’s second ball, then takes one off the fourth. There’s still no slip for him, which has to be a howler. For Seales, there are two slips, a gully and a leg slip, but they’re just spectators as he manages a couple of solid blocks.
97th over: West Indies 255-9 (Da Silva 69, Seales 2) Da Silva is in some discomfort. The blow seems to have been to his right hand, which is the one that does all the work – his wagon wheel shows that only 14pc of his runs have come on the off side. Here comes Ben Stokes to bang the ball in at him.
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The lead reaches 50!
96th over: West Indies 254-9 (Da Silva 68, Seales 2) Runs for Jayden Seales! Like a true tail-end Charlie, he gets off the mark with a flash at Woakes and a top-edge that plops over gully. This piece of filth is good enough to take West Indies to a lead of 50. And that, Butcher spots, is exactly what England allowed the openers to put on.
95th over: West Indies 251-9 (Da Silva 67, Seales 0) Da Silva, facing Mahmood, plays and misses outside off – not that he’s in danger of being caught in the slips, because there aren’t any. He plays a chip for a single, back over the bowler’s head, and then summons the physio to inspect his damaged finger. “I don’t think it’s broken,” says Curtly Ambrose as the physio manipulates it. “If it wasn’t before,” says Butcher, “it will be now.”
Mahmood has been superb again this morning. He has figures of 5-2-5-1 in this spell, to make six wickets at 20 in his week-long Test career – not to mention the top score for England in this match.
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94th over: West Indies 250-9 (Da Silva 66, Seales 0) Woakes hits Da Silva on the glove, prompting some some hand-wringing. “He’s a keeper,” says Mark Butcher cheerfully, “should be used to it.” He manages to shovel a single and give himself a breather.
England pay for their poor reviews
93rd over: West Indies 249-9 (Da Silva 65, Seales 0) Da Silva was so busy saving his skin that he left Jayden Seales to face a whole over from Saqib Mahmood. One No.11 to another. Mahmood, risking expulsion from the Rabbits’ Union for the second time in the match, delivers a vicious bouncer, and Seales does very well to jag out the way at the last moment. Then there’s a yorker, which Seales manages to dead-bat, and an LBW appeal, around the off bail, which looks out unless there’s an inside edge... There’s not, and DRS produces three reds – but England used up all their reviews yesterday, dim-wittedly.
“Good Morning Mr. d, Good Morning everyone.” It can only be Adam Roberts, our Cayman correspondent. “Your excellent preamble (Chris Douglas!) did include this: ‘and the decision to let Root carry on as captain will no longer look deluded.’ Really? It’s still very much captaincy by numbers, not inspiring any confidence (in me). And today, an interesting approach to using the nearly new ball - don’t bowl at the stumps and don’t make the batsmen play.”
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Da Silva escapes!
He made a signal to say that he’d hit it, and Ultra Edge confirms that he was right. He is a candidate for LBW as he covers all three stumps, but he’s still there and will surely look to have a slog now.
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Wicket? Da Silva given LBW b Woakes 65
Plumb in front, but there may be a nick...
91st over: West Indies 245-9 (Da Silva 65, Seales 0) It was another good over from Mahmood, featuring a fine yorker, which Roach was ready for, going right back to pat it away.
“My prediction,” said Mark Slater, before the fall of Roach. “Two quick wickets in the first half hour, and Leach opens the second innings with Lees. He retires upon hitting fifty, so he can get back in just before lunch tomorrow for the last wicket and see what the pitch is doing.”
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Wicket! Roach c Foakes b Mahmood 25 (West Indies 245-9)
The breakthrough! Mahmood bowls a nip-backer, back of a length, and it takes the inside edge as Roach is torn between glancing and getting out of the way. A crisp take by Ben Foakes, down the leg side, and Roach doesn’t bother to review: he’s done his job.
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90th over: West Indies 245-8 (Da Silva 65, Roach 26) Woakes goes full and Woakesian to Da Silva, but finds only some gentle swing and gets on-driven for four. West Indies lead by 41.
“Tim dearest,” says Mac Millings, “Ric Latham may have answered his quick crossword clue - ‘Individual who’s often stumped? (6-6)‘ - incorrectly. I looked it up, and the Test batter most often out stumped was Aussie legend Alllan-Border. (I’m pretty sure that’s how you spell it.)“ Ha.
89th over: West Indies 240-8 (Da Silva 61, Roach 26) Da Silva likes that front-foot pull so much, he plays it again, less well, shovelling Mahmood for two. Joe Root, manning the stable door, moves third slip into the leg-side ring. “I don’t like that field change,” says Steve Harmison. “I don’t see any reason why you’d not have your catchers in for Da Silva as well as Roach.” Roach, finding that there’s no short leg, flaps at a short one and takes a single off the last ball of the over. West Indies oozing confidence.
88th over: West Indies 236-8 (Da Silva 58, Roach 25) At the other end it’s Chris Woakes, who finally had a good spell yesterday – though two of his three wickets came from bowling half-way down, so they were not very Woakesian. Da Silva has a waft too, fending at a lifter, but when Woakes drops short again he plays a superb shot, a front-foot pull for three. Given two goes at Roach, Woakes rather wastes them by not bowling at the off bail. West Indies lead by 32.
87th over: West Indies 233-8 (Da Silva 55, Roach 25) Joshua Da Silva, the batter of the match so far, takes a single first ball, showing plenty of faith in Kemar Roach. Mahmood finds some outswing, but it’s too wide of Roach’s off stump until the fifth ball, which temps Roach into a tail-ender’s waft. And so does the sixth, pitched deliciously full. I’m trying to remember the last England bowler who was brave enough to bowl this length at the start of his Test career. Maybe Darren Gough?
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The players are out there and the nearly new ball is in the hands of Saqib Mahmood, England’s find of the tour.
“Crossword pedantry” is the subject line of the next email. It’s not a gambit that would prise the door open everywhere, but the OBO is in no position to carp. “I’ve just done the quick crossword,” says Ric Latham, “and was disappointed with 24A - ‘Individual who’s often stumped? (6-6).’ Unless there’s some statistical evidence that keepers are out that way more often than their colleagues, it’s a poor clue.” It is! And by way of responding in kind, can I ask you to use single quotes next time, to save us having to change them?
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Infamy, in for me
The first email of the day is from Tom van der Gucht. “Great Preamble,” he says. Too kind! “I especially like your ‘Not with a Bangla’ pun. It’s the sort of bon mot Kenneth Williams would proudly pat himself on the back for in his diaries before slumping again and bemoaning that people fail to recognise his overall greatness...”
As I try to work out just how backhanded that compliment is, Tom decides to add some more. “Actually, having given it some consideration,” he writes, “the Preamble reminded me more of Christopher Douglas/Podmore’s alter ego Ed Reardon than Kenneth Williams. But still, high praise indeed.” The great Chris Douglas! I once had to bowl to him in the nets. Never saw such a dead bat, at least until I came across Kraigg Braithwaite.
Preamble: the crunch
Afternoon everyone and welcome to the third day of the third Test. In a Hollywood thriller, there’s often a moment about three-quarters of the way through, when the hero and the villain face off in a fight to the death. For this series, which has been short of thrills, that moment arrives today. If Joe Root gives a team talk before the start of play, he will only need four words. “We have to win.”
Over on the other side of the world, England’s women know exactly what they must do tonight: beat Bangladesh or go out of the World Cup, not with a Bangla but a whimper. For England’s men the stakes are almost as high, the ramifications just as stark. If they win in Grenada, a dismal winter will have a happy ending, a corner will have been turned, and the decision to let Root carry on as captain will no longer look deluded.
If they lose, it will be their fifth series defeat in a row (albeit with an asterisk against one of them, the 1-2 against India that could yet turn into a 2-2 when the decider is finally played in July). They will have lost to one of the lowlier Test teams as well as to the big three. They’ll be back to square one and their red-ball reset will come with a red-face emoji. No pressure, then.
Play starts at 2pm GMT. England’s first task will be to use the new ball better than they did yesterday morning (or evening). Joshua Da Silva’s job will be to turn his unlikely 50 into the performance that settles the series. It should be riveting.
