Which means youse and I are done here. Thanks for your company and comments – enjoy the rest of the weekend. Love.
Here’s Jacob Steinberg’s match report.
By the end, Southampton had totally lost their heads.
“I hope that trans kids see this and know there is a place for them in sport. That it is possible.”
— Harry Nicholas (@HarryNicholas_) April 2, 2023
I spoke to @PinkNews about @Trukunitedfc’s historic match with the first all trans masculine football team 👇https://t.co/TNUZBLG2uX
Ahhh man.
We made history tonight. The first all trans masculine team to play a football match in Europe against a cis men’s team.
— Harry Nicholas (@HarryNicholas_) March 31, 2023
A lot of our team hadn’t played sport since school. I’ve never felt Community like it. This is trans joy. And trans people belong in sport. 🏳️⚧️😭 pic.twitter.com/CWoD6Xe6am
Elsewhere…
29' ⚽
— Match of the Day (@BBCMOTD) April 2, 2023
32' ⚽
36' ⚽
Karim Benzema scores the fastest La Liga hat-trick by a Real Madrid player since Fernando Hierro in 1992. #BBCFootball #RMAVLD pic.twitter.com/uuuDJp5FQ7
Hierro! What a roar for the third goal too.
“It may be unusual to win more points after conceding first than scoring first,” writes David Ward, “but it might just mean that Southampton concede first in most of their games, giving them many more chances to gain points. We need to analyse their *average* points hauls in each scenario to get a meaningful comparison.”
Southampton used to be lauded as one of those “well-run” clubs, good at finding talent and succession planning. They’ve been usurped in that aspect by Brighton over the last bit, and looking at their squad, should they go down I’d not be that confident they’ll return at the first time of asking.
What is wrong with people 1:
What is wrong with people 2:
Also going on:
Get on it.
“I was once a huge supporter of VAR,” says Mary Waltz. “Well, I was wrong. One of the main reasons for the system is that it would lessen human error, no Hand of God controversies. Well it has not accomplished that goal, and has slowed the game down. Sometimes it’s better to admit your mistakes. Iraq, Brexit, Trump, and now VAR.”
I think if we had better-drafted laws, VAR would work better, but ultimately it’s made things more complicated, I think, by drawing attention to their inherently subjective nature and adding an extra layer of “clear and obvious” on top of that. I ‘m much rather a call be made and us move on than be stood or sat there thinking I’ve not a clue what decision we’re getting even though I can see exactly what’s happened.
Reading for you:
Next for Southampton: Man City then Palace, both at home. If they don’t win the second of those, assuming they lose the first, they’ll be close to down, I think.
Full-time: West Ham United 1-0 Southampton
West Ham go 14th; Southampton stay bottom, two points off Leicester in 19th.
90+3 min Apart from Onuachu’s header that hit the bar, Southampton have created very little this half.
90+2 min I just can’t see Southampton getting enough goals to stay up. West Ham, on the other hand – though they’ve scored fewer over the course of the season – have some decent attackers, and I’m sure they’ll be fine.
90 min We’ll have three additional minutes. West Ham are going 14th, Southampton are going down (I think).
90 min “Might be worth noting that Daniel Harris provides us with a 10-letter word,” says Al Camino. “HARDLINERS! Perfect for a journalist...”
I’m not a journalist, dahling, I’m a writer.
89 min Fornals is into the action immediately, playing into Antonio just outside the box. He holds up, buffeting defenders, but can’t quite conjure a shooting lane, so he spreads right to where Fornals now is, picks up the cut-back, and can’t quite get the ball controlled.
88 min Two more changes for West Ham, Cresswell and Fornals for Emerson and Paqueta. Paqueta has played alright today, doing very little of the stuff he was bought to do.
86 min Ward-Prowse is allowed tim to bend a ball into the box and it’s a beaut, Onuachu climbing above Aguerd, winning the header, and sending the ball careering against the face of the bar! That was a fine effort, but West Ham survive!
86 min *Extremely Mike Goldberg voice: “Coming up next!
84 min “With the admittedly huge caveat that I might feel differently were I a West Ham fan,” emails Kári Tulinius, “Moyes has done better than I expected this season. Usually, when his teams have dipped in form, they’ve gone into a death spiral, but this time there’s been no collapse.”
Yes, but I can’t shake the notion that a different, more progressive manager, would get a lot more out of these players.
82 min And when the ball’s swung in, Aguerd does superbly to flick towards the back post, where Paqueta’s first touch is excellent … but then the head goes back, and his second wafts over the top.
Updated
81 min Bowen crosses low and wins West Ham a corner…
80 min “A little embarrassingly,” returns Alexandra Ashton, I took a few minutes to stare at the screen and eventually found “‘islanding’ with 9 letters. Is that a real word? If not, there’s ‘landings’ with 8.”
Nothing embarrassing about a bit of Countdown.
80 min Benrahma pulls onto the touchline, slides a pass in behind for the onrushing Emerson … and Bazunu does pretty well to dive on a low cross, feet about his phizog.
79 min Southampton win a free-kick 40 yards out and the big men come forward, then with everyone expecting a ball in, Ward-Prowse plays a one-two with Sulemana to get him closer to the box. No matter: he picks out a claret head at the back post, and West Ham clear.
78 min Perraud burrowns down the left, crosses dangerously, and Zouma clears. Southampton have won more points this season after conceding first than after scoring first – extremely odd behaviour.
76 min “If your garden had too many snails, would you need to do some desnailing?” wonders Ed Thorpe. I should probably have said, the reason I references Countdown is that too much time spent watching it has trained me to look for the suffix “INGS”.
75 min Benraham curls over the wall … and Bazunu plunges to push away. That was pretty routine, but, as it wasn’t in the corner and the whip was pretty slow.
75 min Lovely feet from Emerson, feinting over the ball, so Bednarek ploughs through him and is booked. Free-kick West Ham, just outside the box, near the left corner…
74 min “A handy online anagram generator says no,” Joe Pearson emails on DANIELINGS. “The longest words it can find using the letters only use eight of them.”
72 min Paqueta brings the ball into the Southampton half and wins a free-kick from a not-dissimilar position to the one which yielded their goal. This time, though, it’s Emerson not Kehrer and the delivery is poor.
72 min Two more changes for Southampton: Maitland-Niles and Onuachu for Armstrong and Walcott.
70 min Bowen has grown into the game, and he pursues a long ball in behind the Southampton defence, but Bazunu comes out to smother, narrowly avoiding decapitation as Bowen slides in.
69 min West Ham win a corner down the left, which is cleared as far as Bowen on the edge … and his shot is blocked away.
68 min Another change for West Ham, Downes replacing Soucek – who’s not been anywhere near as good this season as last. Downes goes alongside Rice at the base of midfield, so I guess that’s a formation change from 4-1-4-1 to 4-2-3-1. Moyes wants to hold what he has, as Ron Atkinson would say; of course he does.
65 min Bowen finds space inside the box, right-hand side, crosses … and on the stretch, Walker-Peters gets rid.
64 min Antonio replaces a displeased Danny Ings. On which point, is there a 10-letter word in DANIELINGS?
63 min Southampton win another corner, which is cleared to Lavia on the edge, and his low shot is saved easily enough by Fabianski.
62 min “You say that you think that if there’s doubt then the attacking side’s goal should stand,” says David Paradine.” I can’t see the logic in that as VAR was introduced to cut down on the mistakes made in the awarding and/or not awarding goals. I understand that you may not like VAR but it was not introduced on a whim but was campaigned for over the years both inside and outside the press. VAR is not perfect, mistakes have been made but on balance the refereeing mistakes that it rectifies far exceed these mistakes.”
Pre-VAR, we were above 90% correct decisions, so I don’t think compromising the flow of the game and ability to celebrate goals, the greatest feeling in the world, was worth what we’ve lost. And I also think that adding a “clear and obvious” caveat gave refs an extra layer of subjective interpretation, so I’ve now got no clue what’s going to happen sometimes, even though I can what happened in a particular incident.
61 min Michail Antonio is getting ready, and that looks a decent change – his all-round explosiveness is a good fit for this phase of the game.
60 min Southampton have been the “better” side since half-time, and win a corner down the left to be swung in Ward-Prowse … but Aguerd clears via meaty header.
58 min Sky show us a graphic which says Paqueta has made 12 tackles so far today. That’s an absolutely ridiculous quantity – I think the next-highest is two – and also makes me glad I didn’t post saying he’s not, as far as I can see, putting in as much effort as I’d like. That’s what happens when you spend half the match watching your fingers.
Updated
57 min Now Southampton counter, Suleman drilling wide of the near post from 20 yards.
56 min Ings pulls left and Bowen, turning Caleta-Car on halfway, finds him well. Ings, though, knows he’s not got the pace to do Bednarek, so he holds up, tries to beat him inside the box, then finds Bowen when he catches up, and the resultant shot soars wide of the near post.
55 min Lavia bursts through as pair of challenges, but the ball squirts away from him and Paqueta clears.
54 min Double change for Southampton, Alcaraz and Sulemana for Elyounoussi and Mara. Mara barely had a kick.
Updated
52 min “By my count, Rodgers sacking makes it 10 clubs that have changed mangers this season,” emails Ben Glass. “That’s half the league so far! Are we approaching a sacking record?”
There have been 11 now, I think, which is indeed a record – we had 10 in 21-22, 17-18, 13-14 and 08-09.
Scott Parker: Bournemouth - 30 August
Thomas Tuchel: Chelsea - 7 September
Bruno Lage: Wolves - 2 October
Steven Gerrard: Aston Villa - 21 October
Ralph Hasenhuttl: Southampton - 7 November
Frank Lampard: Everton - 23 January
Jesse Marsch: Leeds - 6 February
Nathan Jones: Southampton - 12 February
Patrick Vieira: Crystal Palace - 17 March
Antonio Conte: Tottenham - 26 March
Brendan: Leicester – 2 April
Updated
50 min Southampton try and step it up, though, Armstrong pulling away at the back post to collect Elyounoussi’s cross, before lopping a poor effort back in that West Ham clear away.
49 min It barely needs saying, but it’s been a slow start to the second half.
Updated
48 min A mate – I know, get me! – has just alerted me to the following, issued by Craig McPherson coach of the Rangers Women’s team: “I would like to offer a full and unreserved apology for my actions. I know I have severely let myself, our team, and the club down. I hold myself to the highest of standards and have never done anything like this before in a long coaching career, and I know I fell way short of those with my actions.”
Want to know what he did? Presented Fran Alonso, his Celtic counterpart, with a Glasgow kiss. He holds himself to the highest standards, apparently.
47 min Oh my absolute complete and utter days!
@DanielHarris if you think the Leicester kit is bad, look at this abomination they were selling at the Leicester store at Bangkok airport last week pic.twitter.com/scYskXsSxt
— Phil_in_Falls_Church (@philip_stokoe) April 2, 2023
46 min “I saw you were helping Leicester look for a replacement for Brendan,” says Mac Millings, “but weren’t sure who was around. As a Watford supporter, I believe I can help. Slaven Bilić came onto the market a few weeks ago, and Chris Wilder will probably be available in about five bloody minutes.”
Overlapping centre-backs seems a long old time ago, don’t they.
46 min We go again…
Goodness me, the state of that Leicester away kit.
Half-time email: “I don’t disagree that Rodgers deserved the sack,” says Alexandra Ashton, “but to me it seems harsh. I was under the impression those results in 2020 and 2021 (especially the FA Cup) would have given him more credit in the bank ... I was expecting the sack if Leicester went down. As you said, the key aspect now is to find the right manager: I don’t think they’ll get ;interim manager bounce’ for these last 10 matches if they elevate someone from within, but who in their right mind would be open to take a precarious job this late in the season?”
Football is harsh, I guess, and if things are falling apart, having won the Cup a couple of years ago isn’t going to help, brilliant though that achievement was. When it goes, it’s hard to get back, and given what we know about the game, Rodgers did well to get as long as he got.
Updated
Elsewhere, catch up with a huge game in the WSL, which has just finished. After Man City blew the title race open last week, beating Chelsea, they’ve lost to Arsenal this. Arsenal go second, three off leaders Man United with a game in hand, but if Chelsea win both of theirs, they’ll be top by two.
Half-time: West Ham United 1-0 Southampton
West Ham were dreadful until they scored, but they’re much the better side now. Southampton have no edge whatsoever.
45+3 min Walker-Peters is down, but I think he’ll be OK.
45+2 min West Ham have played alright since they scored and here they come again, Bowen ferreting into the box, diddling Caleta-Car with a change of pace as he moves across the box, before opening his body and punching a curler against the bar! That was a terrific effort.
45+1 min We’ll have three additional minutes, and a nice move from West Ham sees Emerson sliding infield to Ings, who throws legs over the ball either because he thinks he’s offside or because he’s trying to adjust feet. Either way, the flag goes up.
45 min “Wouldn’t the semi-automated offside tech used in the WC solve your gripe with the process given its speediness and (supposed) objectivity?” asks Puneet Varier. |It feels impossible to introduce something into the law about the ‘obviousness’ of an offside since that much subjectivity would probably cause a mutiny any time an offside call was close.”
Yes, I agree on all counts. I dobut we’re far from being able to adjudge offsides with similar tech to that used to determine whether a ball is over the line, and the current system is not good.
43 min Southammton attack down the left, Elyounoussi racing away from a half-arsed Paqueta and in behind Kehrer. But when the cross is cleared by Fabianski, West Ham counter with Bowen, who touches away from Caleta-Car a split-second before he’s cut in half by a proper back-garden slide. Caleta-Car is booked.
41 min Back to Brendan, I don’t suppose Leicester had much choice – I’m actually a little surprised he made it this deep into the season because even last, it looked like he’d run out of ideas and his signings hadn’t really come off. Leicester have decent players, though, so I’d be pretty surprised were there not three sides worse than them; the question is whether they can find the right manager, and whether whoever that is is available now.
40 min If West Ham win here, they go up to 14th. That’s how tight it is at the bottom or, put another way, how many poor teams there are.
39 min Before West Ham scored, it looked like their only route to goal was via set-pieces, but since they scored, they look more threatening in open play.
38 min Kehrer is, though, influencing the game, and he dashes inside then tees up Benrahma, who curls over the bar.
36 min Benrahma is coming onto a game, and he advancers down the right then sweeps over towards Kehrer, pegging it through the middle. The ball is a decent one too, but his mate’s control is weak, under pressure from Caleta-Car, and Bazunu cleans up.
35 min “What either of these teams would give for a Nipper Lawrence,” tweets @el_villano, referencing the Blackport Rovers midfielder. I wonder how Stumpy, his dog, is getting on.
34 min West Ham are pushing for a second now, Emerson exchanging passes with Benrahma – the return is really nicely timed – and the cross is much better this time, Elyounoussi forced to sweep behind as Ings chastises himself for not moving towards the ball.
32 min Benrahma finds Emerson down the left – West Ham have a bit more energy now – but the cross is easily claimed by Bazunu.
30 min Here come Southampton, Elyounoussi picking a pass to Perraud, down the left side of the box, and he leathers a dig through the legs of Aguerd, drawing a fine, last-second reaction save from Fabianski, who hurls himself left to tip away! He’ll have seen that very late, and did really well to stand up, then push off.
29 min I’m not sure how we change things or how we draft the law to reflect this idea, but I sort of think that if an offside isn’t obvious, we should either give the benefit of the doubt to the attacking team, or go with the on-pitch call. This drawing of lines and three-minute breaks are not, in mine, football.
IT'S A GOAL!
28 min Aguerd celebrates a second time!
Updated
27 min VAR is still investigating.
25 min But was Aguerd offside? I think not, but it’s hard to see as there are bodies everywhere.
GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Southampton (Aguerd 24)
This is a fine header! Kehrer curls in and a mighty leap from Aguerd, legs waist-high like a long-jumper, allows him to redirect the ball into the far corner! My days, his team needed that!
Updated
24 min West Ham win a free-kick almost level with the centre-circle, and sling all the big men forward.
Brendan Rodgers has left Leicester!
More on that in a second.
23 min “Years ago, I used to decorate my cubicle wall with pins containing whimsical sayings,” says Joe Pearson. “One of my co-workers contributed one that said, ‘Life’s too short to dance with ugly men’. With apologies to ugly men, that’s how I feel about this match. I’ll keep up with the MBM, but I’m going for a walk instead of watching.”
Are we talking a cubicle as in a toilet, or where one sits at work? And what others did you have up? When I was a lawyer, I had the Paranoid Android postcard Radiohead sent out before the single was released, saying “When I Am King You Will Be First Against The Wall”.
22 min So far, this game is every bit as poor as we’d hoped. A Southampton goal would make things very interesting.
21 min Walcott and Armstrong are finding joy on the right, and they find a bit of space by the touchline, then Rice quickly relieves them of possession and plays into Ings, who wins a foul.
20 min The home crowd aren’t enjoying this – every time a pass goes astray, there’s a visible buzz of annoyance, and the team are getting very little vocal support.
18 min “Arsenal upgrading on Xhana won’t be easy or necessarily essential as alongside Partey and Odegaard, Xhaka is exactly what is needed,” says Adam Allaway. “Granted, Rice could be a long-term replacement player in a similar mould, but certainly not an immediate shoo-in if Xhaka stays. One does feel like Xhaka leaving would be the perfect end to his epic tale of redemption though.”
I’m sure Arteta likes Xhaka, and I agree with what you say about balance, but if you look at Arsenal’s first-choice XI, that’s the most obvious spot that can be upgraded, I think, even if finding the right players might be tricky.
17 min Lavia spreads to Walker-Peters, who drills into the box, and Walcott, on its near side, extends a leg to kills the ball, then spins and lashes a shot into the stanchion.
16 min Mara puts Fabianski under pressure as West Ham seek to play out, and Aguerd ends up shanking into touch. Southampton look the more confident, coherent side so far,
15 min Romeo Lavia has made a good start to the game, and if I had money to spend on a midfielder, I’d be looking at him very carefully. I wonder if he’s got a bit more to his game than Rice does, though he’s not as good carrying the ball.
14 min Walcott pulls right again – I wonder if it’s a ploy to get him either in behind Emerson, or one-on-one with Emerson – but his cross is easily claimed by Fabiasnki.
12 min This Southampton kit, by the way, must surely have been inspired by Danefield United and Johnny “The Hard Man” Dexter.
11 min Perraud finds Walker-Peters down the right, but Benrahma does really well to intercede.
10 min But here comes Emerson, driving down the left before crossing behind Ings as if on purpose.
9 min West Ham are unreplete with ideas, moving the ball for too slowly and predictably.
8 min Armstrong strolls away from Paqueta, who’s enjoying a nice spring stroll, and the ball goes wide to Walcott, whose cross is collected by Fabianski.
7 min Ward-Prowse looks to orchestrate from deep and Southampton find Walker-peters down the right, but the ball ends up going back to Bazunu.
6 min West Ham knock it about, Southampton pressing in what seems to be a 4-2-2-2 formation.
4 min “Agree Rice may not have the calibre/potential of Partey etc,” emails Chris Lambert, “but as an Arsenal fan, we have the relative luxury of looking at him as a student of Partey and a potential replacement for Xhaka, who it feels he’s more similar to.”
Yeah, I imagine an upgrade on Xhaka is Arsenal’s main transfer ambition for the summer, and Rice’s athleticism means he can be that, while also covering Partey.
3 min Lavia breaks up a West Ham attack and springs the counter, but Armstrong’s pass is behind Walcott.
1 min “Give Declan a season or two under Pep,” says Brian Withington, “and there’d be no-one doubting his value any more. The lad is carrying a club and especially its manager at present – can you imagine the impact of having that dead weight lifted?”
Yeah, I’d not be surprised if he makes big strides assuming he moves this summer. I think he can do really good a job covering the width of the pitch, but he needs to add the passing to complement his ball-carrying to go to the next level.
1 min And away we go!
We’re going to have a minute’s applause to remember Jaqueline Gold, – daughter of David – who sadly died on the 16th of last month.
Good news dept: Pien Meulensteen is commentating for Sky. I hate to say it because I just sound like an old bore, but it feels like the voices we hear these days lack a bit of personality relative to Motson, Bazza, Tyldesley and Brian Moore, but Meulensteen is really good.
The players are tunnelled, Southampton’s in slightly strange varsity-style jackets – an insult to tracksuits, really. Anyway, here they come!
“How can you omit Palhinha from your list of ‘better than Rice’?” wonders Richard Hirst. “Along with Haaland and Casemiro one of the three buys of the season.”
He’s been brilliant, I agree, but I don’t think he’s as good as the players I named. He’s got time to improve, though.
On Sky, they’re talking about Declan Rice, and Gary Neville says he’s good, but perhaps not as good as you’d want for however much he’ll cost this summer. I think that’s fair – I love him as a bloke “such a leader of men,” insights James Redknapp – but I’m not sure he’s one of the best around. He might develop into that, but I don’t think he’s as good as Rodri, Casemiro and Partey, the division’s best in his position, and I’m not sure he can get to their level.
As for Southampton, I imagine they’ll be looking to do something similar, given their 4-4-2 system. They won’t dominate the ball, I don’t think, but with two strikers will want to get ball in behind and into the box.
David Moyes says his side were in good form prior to the break – they thrashed the mighty Lanarca – and he thinks it’s a shame they missed their Man City game the weekend before the internationals due to FA Cup. I wonder if he actually thinks that. Anyhow, he admits that scoring goals has been a problem, so he’s pleased to have Ings, and also that Aguerd and Emerson are available, as both were doubt. He thinks it’s good if you can more points as opposed to fewer points.
My guess is West Ham look to get the ball into Ings’ feet then play off him, or go wide and get early crosses into the box. I’d not expect to see all that much playing through midfield, though who knows, perhaps today will the day that Lucas Paquetá starts asserting himself.
Danny Ings seems a nice lad – Sky have just done a piece with him – and his choice of Highgate as a place to live in London is solid. It’s not especially handy for West Ham, but he explains that players’ schedules are so full-on, they need to make sure their partners are happy with their living arrangements.
Email! “Scamacca, not even on the bench,” says Michael Allen. “Moyes must really dislike him.”
I guess we need confirmation that he’s not injured – leaving a striker off the bench when your team struggle to score seems odd – but yup, three league goals is not a great return.
Southampton, meanwhile, make two changes: Mohammed Salisu and Che Adams are both out with gahs sustained with their countries, so Duje Caleta-Car and Sekou Mara come in.
What does it all mean? West Ham welcome back Lukasz Fabianski – he’s been out with a fractured cheekbone and eye socket – with Alphonse Areola dropping to the bench.
Let's have some teams...
West Ham United (4-1-4-1): Fabianski; Kehrer, Aguerd, Zouma, Emerson; Rice; Benrahma, Soucek, Paqueta, Bowen; Ings. Subs: Areola, Cresswell, Coufal, Fornals, Antonio, Lanzini, Downes, Cornet, Ogbonna.
Southampton (4-4-2): Bazunu; Walker-Peters, Caleta-Car, Bednarek, Perraud; Elyounoussi, Ward-Prowse, Lavia, Armstrong; Mara, Walcott. Subs: McCarthy, Maitland-Niles, Lyanco, Aribo, Orsic, Onuachu, Sulemana, Alcaraz, Diallo.
Referee: Paul Tierney (Wigan)
Updated
Preamble
There’s little more affirming than someone else’s misery, and there should be plenty of that at the London Stadium today as the Premier League’s bottom two get it on. Though nothing will be settled today, because every side up to Crystal Palace in 12th are part of the fight to stay up – they have 30 points to Southampton’s 23 and West Ham’s 24 – but a defeat for either, and things will look very grim.
West Ham have absolutely no business whatsoever being as bad as they’ve been – theirs is a talented and expensive squad. But 24 goals from 26 games is an absolutely disgraceful return, and unless David Moyes can find an attacking combination that works, he’s not only struggling to keep his team in the division, but to keep his job for next season.
Southampton, meanwhile, are in all sorts. Ruben Selles could be a good manager, but he’s only in post because Nathan Jones isn’t, and his contract only runs until the end of the season. In the meantime, though, he needs to somehow generate momentum, having had any might’ve enjoyed following the 3-3 comeback draw with Spurs confiscated by the international break.
This is going to be horrible!
Kick-off: 2pm BST
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