OK, I’m calling tit: we’ve reached peak cleavage. Over the years I’ve selflessly and diligently kept abreast of ridiculous cleavage trends. Which is harder than it sounds, let me tell you, because there has been no end of them. The year 2000, for example, saw the advent of “toe cleavage”. According to Manolo Blahnik, something of an expert on foot-related matters, “you must only show the first two cracks”. A decade later, everything was different: 2012 was the year of sideboob. Then the Daily Mail, which knows a thing or two about cleavage, predicted the “side boob’s days could be numbered” and it was the “bum slip’s” time to shine. Along this journey we’ve seen various fashionistas declare the advent of male cleavage, side cleavage, no cleavage and hip cleavage.
I know all this is a lot to take in, but bear with me here because there has been an important new development in the cleavage wars. According to the New York Post, 2023 is the year of the “circumboob”. This is when you wear something that manages to show pretty much everything but the nipple. The year’s general aura of chaos has spilled over to fashion trends and now “sideboob, innerboob and underboob” have converged into one circum-trend. I know that the New York Post is not always to be trusted, but I have it on good authority that this new trend can be spotted out in the wild. I’ll put money on it: the circumboob is legit. In fact, I’m calling it now: it’s going to be Oxford’s 2023 word of the year.
Perhaps you’re thinking: Arwa, why are you writing about this? Don’t you have something profound and meaningful to offer us this week? Well, look, it may not seem so on the surface but boobs are meaningful. In fact, I’m starting to think that cleavage trends may be an indicator of the overall economy, like the lipstick effect – the theory that lipstick sales are linked to economic downturns. And, of course, there’s also a hemline index that suggests skirts get shorter in good times and longer when times are hard. Why shouldn’t there be a Cleavage Index™? That’s my Nobel prize for economics in the bag, right there.
• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
