Dear Coleen, I’ve been married 43 years and haven’t been intimate with my wife for 13 of those.
She works nights and I’m retired, so this is my problem. We no longer sleep together and I miss the closeness of a cuddle, a kiss or an “I love you”.
We moved to our bungalow three years ago and refurbished the back bedroom, and also created an en suite bathroom for the master bedroom.
I suggested my wife use the back bedroom on working days so we didn’t disturb each other, and her response was, “Oh, so you’re shoving me off to the back room”.
I just thought it made sense for her to use the quiet room as we had different bedtimes, plus it’s away from my workshop and the garage.
She now says the bed in the master bedroom where I sleep is uncomfortable, even though we used this mattress for years.
She did come into the master bedroom on Christmas morning with presents and sat on the end of the bed, but didn’t attempt to join me in the bed.
Intimacy of any kind has gone and we just tolerate each other when we’re not bickering, but I still love her and love our home. I don’t seem to get that feeling from her, though.
I heard some guys in the pub talking about a masseuse they use (I think the massage culminates in a “happy ending”), so I’m thinking of seeking this out. I so miss physical affection. Please advise.
Coleen says
I think you put doubts in her mind when you suggested she sleeps in a different room.
She sat on your bed at Christmas, but did you try to be affectionate? Why are you waiting for her to do something? She might feel exactly how you’re feeling.
Do not go down the masseuse route when you haven’t talked to your wife.
It sounds as if the weird atmosphere in the house is because you have loads to say to each other but don’t know how to say it and your frustration is coming out in bickering. When you do talk to her, don’t be accusatory because one of her comebacks will be: “Well, you decided we should sleep in separate rooms”. Although you might have had good intentions, she’s probably thinking: “He doesn’t want to sleep with me any more”.
Tell her you love her and miss her and that you miss the physical and emotional connection you used to share.
Suggest you both try to do something about it, and you can start by making time for each other. Start going out together again, even if it’s just to the pub or for a meal.
When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time you can take it for granted and think you don’t have to make an effort any more, but you have to and it shouldn’t feel like an effort with someone you love. So have a conversation and listen to her as well.
Stop waiting for the other one to make the first move.
