Waving a bright pink vibrator, Sylvia worries about one of her neighbours walking past the window. She is 81, and she and her husband, Paul, who is 73, started to use sex toys about 10 years ago, mainly because Sylvia needed a bit more stimulation to become aroused. The pink vibrator is new. “I haven’t really, to coin a phrase, got to grips with it,” she says, laughing. We speak one evening over Zoom, Sylvia and Paul sitting close together in their living room. They have been married for 32 years, and sex has remained important to them. Paul stresses that he prefers to call it “making love”. “We don’t do ‘sex’ – sex is purely physical – we are genuinely sharing our love for each other,” he says. The first time they made love, he says, “it was a remarkably intense physical and emotional experience.”
Sylvia rolls her eyes: “He’s much more romantic than I am.” She has always, she says, “had a very lively libido”. They used to have sex most days, but Sylvia is still feeling the effects of Covid, so it’s down to every 10 days or so. She has, she says, “an arthritic knee, which is a bit of a nuisance”, and arthritis in her wrists can make some previous positions harder. “I think it’s been well over a year since you were on top of me, and it’s a position we both like,” says Paul to Sylvia. “That’s the age impact,” she says. But both agree that their connection, their intimacy, is deeper now. “Over 30-odd years, we’ve learned what works, what doesn’t,” says Paul. “We have a real sense of intimacy.”
In the most recent National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, 39% of men in the 65-74 age bracket (the oldest people the researchers surveyed) had been sexually active in the previous four weeks; for women of that age, it was 23%. Meanwhile, a 2018 study of older adults, with an average age of 65, found those who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months had better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.
“We have, for a very long time, focused on sexuality as something to do with youth and it’s just not true and not helpful,” says psychosexual therapist, Kate Moyle. It is also changing: a recent piece in the New York Times said that sex experts predict that “as baby boomers, who grew up during the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s, age – the oldest are about 75 – they will demand more open conversations and policies related to their sex lives”. Desire, says Moyle, “is something that we can have across the lifetime. What we might see is that there is an interruption in the way that arousal used to previously function, the body’s physical ability; but we can adapt.”
Kate, 71, says she is having the best sex of her life. She met her partner, Lindy, nearly two years ago. “There is no more pretence any more,” she says. “All the bumps and bruises of our lives, all the experiences, it’s like a fire that burns off all the unnecessary stuff. I think it’s the understanding that this really is the last bit, and to make the very best of it.”
After her second divorce at the age of 65, she never thought she would fall in love – or have a sex life – again, until she met Lindy. It’s about, she says, “keeping your heart open and being willing to do things you didn’t even know you wanted to do before.” They have experimented with sex toys, she says, and her partner has discovered a love of dressing up. “Let’s have fun, say what we want, let’s be honest with each other. I think older people are often the most brutally honest.”
She thinks, she says with a laugh, they are having “way better sex than my kids or her kids. They seem very tired – kids and careers. Lindy and I just kind of skip around.” They have sex three or four times a week. “Something that never happened before is you get tired, so the idea of late night [sex] is out. Daytimes are great. Lindy’s a terrific cook, but sex after eating is too much. So sex before a big meal is great.” They use, she says, “mountains of lube”. Because it can take longer “to feel momentum”, anticipation has become more important – they will send saucy texts and photos to each other. “We both have hip issues, there are better sides and worse sides. It takes longer to have an orgasm for me. Lindy, not at all – she’s like a racehorse, bang! You just have to be honest and if you don’t have a sense of humour, you might as well pack it in anyway. We laugh a lot.”
What has surprised her most about sex at this stage in her life? “That it was still available. That there were women who thought this was valuable and fun, and willing to jump back in – and, if it didn’t work out, have a laugh about it. The good nature of it all has really surprised me. It’s friendly.” We need to be having more conversations about it, she adds. The idea that people in the last decades of their life need to forego sex is wrong. “In care homes, why are you treating these old people like it’s wrong? ‘Here are some tranquillisers and sleep medication’. Also, for many older gay people, you want to go to a care home? Then you can go back in the closet. It’s cruel.”
“The need for intimacy and connection doesn’t age,” says Moyle, who also advises the sexual wellness brand LELO: in a recent survey of 1,000 people, it found that although most respondents over the age of 50 were having less sex than when they were younger, nearly a third said the sex they do have is better. There are experiences associated with getting older that can make sex more challenging, she says: “Sex hormones decrease with age.” For women, this can mean vaginal dryness, or reduced elasticity, which can make sex uncomfortable. For men, erectile dysfunction can be a symptom of several issues such as heart conditions or prostate problems, or a side-effect of medication. For some people, it might mean an end to penetrative sex but, says Moyle, that “doesn’t mean that it’s less meaningful. There are plenty of ways to achieve sexual enjoyment – it’s about finding the ways that work for you and it might be about having to think about ways in which that could be achieved differently.” She suggests that lubricant would help many couples and that “with a reduction in sexual arousal, things like foreplay might take longer. You might find, for example, that someone who has difficulties with arthritis, or hip pain, simple things like positioning the body differently, or using cushions for support, can make sex more enjoyable.” Because we don’t get to see representations of older people with an enjoyable sex life, it can, she says, make “people feel like they shouldn’t.” (For those who are meeting new partners, safe sex is just as important, as the rise of STIs in older people shows.)
Steve, 72, and Sandra, 73, have been married for 52 years. Both their sex drives have “quietened down” he says, but not by much – they have sex around three times a week, whereas it used to be more like five. What has changed is what they perceive sex to be. Sandra had a hysterectomy, and penetrative sex became more of an effort and not always pleasurable. “We enjoy cuddling and rubbing each other, and lots of massage,” says Steve. “The other thing, as you get older, and certainly for me, is you need a lot more stimulation to get erect. We find that mutual masturbation is better for us than penetrative sex.”
It has meant they are probably less adventurous than they used to be, he says. They enjoyed outdoor sex when they were younger, and although they still sometimes manage it, because it takes him longer to get going it’s not as easy. Sex in their 70s, he says, is “different. It’s not worse, but I do miss being able to get rapid erections. It’s just a factor of getting older. About every month or so we’ll do out the bedroom with candles and make it into a pleasure palace. I’ll give Sandra a nice slow, sensual massage, and that tends to culminate in big orgasms for both of us.” But, he adds, an orgasm is no longer the aim in the way it was when they were younger. “It’s nice when it happens but it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t. You need a lot more stimulation to get to orgasm, and sometimes you think, ‘I quite like this as it is’,” he says of their aimless, long, lovemaking sessions that either end with an orgasm, or a cup of tea.
“I don’t expect to orgasm as much as I would have done,” says Penny, 79. She and her husband, who is 74, have been married for more than 40 years. “But when I do, it’s better.” When she masturbates, “I can achieve a better orgasm. I think you get to know your own body, but my generation still suffers a bit from shame, and masturbation wasn’t considered a good thing.” They have adapted their positions. “We do a lot more spooning, he would be behind – that’s very easy for us. I need him on top for a good orgasm for me, and that is not quite so easy for either of us now as it once was. Joints and backache,” she says, with a laugh. “I might sit on top of him, and he enjoys that, but it wouldn’t work like it might once have done.”
As a therapist, Moyle has seen people in their 70s and over who have anxiety around sex, particularly with a new partner after divorce or bereavement. “They might have had sex with one person for a very long time, and changed a lot during that time,” she says. Her advice is to talk openly about it, though she acknowledges this can feel awkward “because we don’t have a lot of conversations around how the want and need for intimacy and connection doesn’t age. But it’s likely that [your new partner] might have the same kind of anxieties that you do.”
For Ronald, married for the third time after the deaths of his two previous wives, being open to a new relationship has paid off – he is having the best sex of his life at 81. “After two bereavements, I could have given up at that point, but to have found a loving relationship at my age, and after a lifetime that was relatively humdrum, is a great bonus,” he says. There wasn’t much sex in his first marriage, which lasted 48 years. “It was a different generation. I think my wife sort of thought, ‘well, I’ve had children and that’s the end of that’,” he says. “I would describe it as mutually unsuccessful.” Ronald gained sexual confidence and experience with his second wife, although, sadly, she became ill. His third wife enjoys sex, and so does Ronald. “I’m accused now of being a bit like a teenager and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I have somebody with whom I like making love and they like making love with me, and that’s tremendous, so you tend to do it quite often.”
Viagra has helped. “I don’t know what happened, whether it was psychological or physical, but getting an erection became a problem, which is more or less resolved,” he says. “The only problem is it has taken the spontaneity out.” Does he feel sad he missed out on sex for all those years? “Yes,” he says. “I could say I’ve wasted a great many years, but I’m very happy with where I am. I’m also quite proud that, given two bereavements, I’m still functioning and able to relate to other people. I haven’t given up on life.”
Rosemary knows, she says, “a number of women who stopped sexual relations, when a partner died or the relationship broke up and decided that was it.” She met her boyfriend a few years ago on a dating site and says it was quite daunting to meet someone new, but she likes being in a relationship so it was worth it. They are both in their 70s and she says she is enjoying sex more at this stage of her life. “I’m more comfortable in my own skin,” she says. “This is who I am. If you like it, let’s enjoy things, and if you don’t, well, we shouldn’t be together. I’m just much more relaxed, happier in my body, and also much more able to say what I want. I think that gets easier when you’re older – you know yourself better.”
Sex has become slower, she says – sometimes they will stay in bed all day, with the help of (sometimes, but not always) wine, lube and Viagra. “There isn’t the tyranny of the nightly double bed,” she says. “We can have sex in the morning or in the afternoon, when you feel like it.” When she was working and raising children, sometimes the thought of sex at the end of a busy day was one more thing to worry about. “We don’t have that. We can be together whenever we want. Lunch can wait.”
They explore comfortable positions, she says. “We still enjoy penetrative sex but we spend much more time just enjoying each other’s bodies,” she says. “There are moments where we’ve just been naked, just cuddled, and for whatever reason, we haven’t had penetrative sex.” It’s partly as a result of getting older, but, she says, it’s also about “learning more about what is pleasurable and moving away from a kind of Hollywood representation. You see sex scenes on TV or films and think, ‘he’s instantly erect? She’s instantly available? Come on.’ Does sex even work like that in your 20s?”
Another couple who spend all day in bed, now their children have grown up and are safely out of the house, is Jennifer, 62; her husband is 72. “We have the time,” says Jennifer. “We can spend the whole afternoon at it, no one’s going to disturb us. When we were younger, you’ve got children, you’ve got work, it has to be fitted in, and it’s all very tense, but it’s lovely when you can take your time. We haven’t done that since before we were married, so you sort of come full circle.” Not having to think about contraception makes it “a lot more spontaneous than it used to be”, although, she adds, “there might be slight adaptations: ‘Ooh, my back’s aching a bit today’, joint pains and things. You may take it a bit slower; more foreplay.” After lovemaking, she says with a laugh, they’ll have a cup of tea. Sex, for her, she says, “is an expression of your love for somebody, and, just because I’m older, it doesn’t make my feelings any less.”
Some names have been changed.
