It takes a village to raise a child, as the saying goes, but when it comes to our romantic relationships, some see reaching out for support as an admission of failure.
But it’s not always misguided stoicism that leaves couples floundering. For many, the cost of relationship counselling is prohibitive, the search for the right therapist is daunting and waitlists are long.
For readers who have been able to get help navigating the troubled waters of their relationship, the results haven’t always meant staying together. But almost all of them agreed the exercise itself brought clarity.
For others the act of prioritising the relationship and actively investing in it was as important as the therapist’s advice.
Whether the therapy was early on or after decades together, preemptive or the result of a major relationship crisis, readers say the key to getting the most out of it is approaching the endeavour in good faith – and as a team.
‘It helped me feel heard’
After 17 years together my husband convinced me to try counselling when I told him I wanted to separate. We used a counsellor recommended by a friend and endured a marathon of 12 hours over one weekend. My ex finally admitted the infidelity he had been denying for years and our counsellor helped me feel heard.
It was too late for our marriage but I am glad we did it.
Anonymous, Australia
‘It takes a lot of work’
I recently initiated couples counselling when I felt “something” was up that I couldn’t put my finger on. The focus of the sessions soon honed in on my partner’s confusion about their gender. It helped to know what the “something” was and it was easier for my partner to communicate their feelings with the help of the therapist.
Beyond my partner’s feminisation, which I support, there are still other issues that are not easily solved. It takes a lot of work, but it’s been worth it for us.
Anonymous, Australia
‘We ended up separating’
My partner and I were together for over a quarter of a century and more than half our lives. We were inseparable and a great team – or so I thought. Then he had a midlife crisis after not getting a promotion, decided I must be the problem and the best way to deal with the crisis was to cheat with his colleague.
He finally agreed to counselling but only attended a few times and refused to make follow-up appointments because I was “pressuring him”. We spent about $2,400 on a handful of appointments.
A good counsellor can give people space to discuss difficult things or see things differently, but only if it is approached in good faith. My husband had no intention of making it work. We ended up separating, and my current therapist helps me to see that he won’t change, and to prioritise myself.
Anonymous, Australia
‘It helps us build our closeness’
We decided to try doing therapy together early on in our relationship because things between us were great and we felt excited and serious about each other. We were both already in therapy, working on our own stuff, and had challenges in our lives that we wanted to learn how to best manage together.
My partner’s therapist recommended our shared therapist. We’ve been seeing them monthly for a year and a half and it’s great! It’s one of my favourite things that we do together. It helps us build our closeness, and whenever something complex comes up, it’s reassuring to know that we can work through it in our next appointment.
Briohny, Tasmania, Australia
‘We’ve learned to think of our relationship as a house’
We started couples counselling after I found out my husband cheated on me. He was the one to initiate it and researched our local options. We’ve been going fortnightly for the past several months and have spent about $5,000 to date. The experience has been really positive.
It’s hard to say I’m grateful he cheated, but I am grateful for the process we’ve been through since. Through counselling we’ve learned to think of our relationship as a house and ways we can make it safe and strong. By considering Gottman’s four horsemen and the antidotes to them, we’ve really changed how we communicate and learned how to really listen. It has been incredible. Without sharing why we went ourselves, I recommend it to all my friends.
Anonymous, Australia
‘She called me on my bad behaviours’
We saw a counsellor together just once for two hours a year into our relationship. Our therapist really helped me learn how to communicate my needs, she validated my concerns but she also called me on my bad behaviours and helped me see my partner as someone to work with instead of someone to resent.
Sammi, Newcastle, New South Wales
‘[It showed] what I’d been dealing with behind closed doors’
I entered my relationship with limited skills and didn’t really have the capacity to note a number of red flags at the time, nor for 18 years.
Eventually I realised the relationship was not normal and told my partner things needed to change. She wanted to go to couples counselling and I readily agreed. At that time I lived in quite a small town and there was one registered psychologist that offered couples counselling.
Initially I was put in the hot seat and made to listen to all the things I’d done wrong. When it was my turn, my partner just walked out, saying there was absolutely nothing wrong with her, never had been, and that I was just reluctant to “come around”.
She demonstrated to the psychologist what I’d been dealing with behind closed doors for quite some time.
I moved ahead, got custody of the kids, attended more therapy and eventually found a lovely single woman with children. We’ve been a close and happy family for years now.
Anonymous, Australia
‘Feeling like a pair because of it was great’
After 20-plus years of marriage and two kids we were generally happy and committed but feeling more like friends than lovers. We had a redundancy and lost two close family members in an 18-month period and found ourselves adrift.
We missed the spark of romance and wanted to try and trigger that again. We looked online for larger organisations with good reputations and found a therapist specialising in couples who lived within an hour of us. I chose a man as I thought it might help my husband feel comfortable.
Our therapist was keen on a breathing exercise to start the sessions. Neither of us found it useful and the therapist was not prepared not to include it. This resulted in us forging a “him v us” link for this part of the session and the act of feeling like a pair because of it was great.
Overall it was useful just to spend time focusing on us. Putting the time aside encouraged us to talk about ourselves more deeply out of the counselling session.
Anonymous, Australia
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length.
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