My partner and I are expecting a baby and, of the many questions to mull over in the remaining months, the biggest is whether one of us should learn to drive. It’s a bit unusual to be a couple in our early 30s, completely reliant on public transport, Ubers, lifts and old-fashioned hoofing it. I’d love to say it was a conscious, environmental choice but it’s more down to laziness, embarrassment at having missed the window and, of course, the cost. The cost really is the only con on my list. But it’s a big one.
The pros are the independence, the ease of transporting the baby without involving a third party, the peace of mind of knowing we can get to the appropriate emergency service in case of a bad situation.
But there is also the romantic pro of wanting to give our daughter the kinds of memories I had as a child. These memories – singing along to the Pretenders, having “big thinks” in the back and “big chats” in the front, the bags of snacks on our way to visit grandparents – are so precious that I find myself longing to recreate them for my little girl. I suppose my real question is: is it worth it?
Eleanor says: Car purchase aside, driving is a skill worth having. As you say, you never know when you might find yourself in an emergency or stranded somewhere where the only exit is a car. Occasions in which driving is a necessity can come on quite suddenly – someone breaks a leg and now they’re in a cast, say, or someone needs to be bailed out of a dangerous situation, or needs to go to and from a lot of medical appointments. Having the skill (if not the vehicle) might help you feel less exposed to sudden changes like that – plus, that way you’ll be way better at dodgems.
As to the purchase itself, irritatingly but perhaps unsurprisingly, I’m going to suggest this question isn’t just about the car.
In one guise, it’s a big financial decision that you want to resolve before your family expands.
In another guise, though, it’s another entry on the list of things one can feel needs to be finalised before your little one arrives. And that second guise is a misleading one.
It’s completely natural to want to make these big decisions – and get them right – in the months leading up to becoming a parent. But the moment your daughter arrives isn’t the moment you need to have all these things figured out. The path of parenthood is going to unfold over many years, as you learn more about your daughter and what kind of childhood she will shine in and about the kind of parent you want to be. Often, the actuality of these things differs wildly from what we would have predicted.
There are all kinds of big purchases you could make now to try to set her up for a particular kind of idyllic childhood, only to have it turn out that she’s better suited for something completely different. Watching raindrops race down the car window might be definitive of your childhood (and mine), but it might turn out she gets carsick and loves her bike instead.
This pattern holds for so many other ways you might try to help her childhood mirror the beautiful parts of your own. You might invest in the infrastructure for camping only for it to turn out she just wants books. You might put hard-earned funds into music lessons and have it turn out she’s tone-deaf and wants to play rugby.
You don’t need to have made the final decisions about where to put your money by the time she’s arrived. You have time to get all this right, together, by trying things out and seeing what feels like it’s missing.
Your baby girl is arriving soon, but nobody (least of all her) expects she’ll arrive directly into the life she’s going to have. Big financial decisions about which kind of childhood you want to provide her can be made in her company and in response to the needs that develop once she’s here.
This letter has been edited for clarity.
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