I remember vividly the first time I heard someone refer to his girlfriend as “the missus”.
I was standing outside a pub with some colleagues and the term came out of the blue, from the mouth of a man I had, until that point, believed to be thoughtful, empathetic, perhaps even a feminist. It jarred immediately, the phrase evoking in me a visceral reaction that made my skin crawl and my stomach churn. The reduction of this man’s girlfriend to not just an object, but an object defined by her sex and relationship status, made me feel almost violent with rage. I resolved, in that moment, to never, ever become someone’s missus.
I wonder, now, whether this was the moment – pint of weak, fizzy lager in my hand, fury bubbling in my gut – that my eyes were, for the first time, opened not just to the very real sexism baked into our language, but also to the fact that many of us are, largely, unaware of it.
Phrases such as “the missus” or, my personal worst, “the boss” (a term of charming endearment, apparently, but one that, I think, is laced with misogyny given the implication is that a woman is – ho ho! – in charge of a relationship when, in reality, she is simply bearing its unthinkably heavy mental load) are surprisingly commonplace even in 2024, popping up in WhatsApp groups, at watercoolers, and across pub tables.
For me, though, even the words “husband” and “wife”, which to many seem harmless – sweet, even – feel sexist and laden with problematic baggage, born, as they are, from the patriarchal institution that is marriage. Historically, of course, once a woman became a wife, she was reduced, merely, to the property of her husband. Excuse me, then, for being a tad touchy about the terms themselves.
Personally, I refer to my spouse, my companion, my mate, as my “partner”, and have done so since we became engaged and I found myself baulking at the term “fiancée” – in part because I noticed it invited questions about a wedding I wasn’t enjoying planning, but also because I felt it reduced me, solely, to my relationship status.
It seems I’m not alone. According to Dr Patricia S Dixon, a psychologist and professor at National Louis University in Florida, an increasing number of heterosexual couples in the US are now, like me, adopting the gender-neutral term “partner” to describe someone they’re in a romantic relationship with. “I rarely hear somebody say: ‘This is my husband, or my wife, or my girlfriend,’” Dr Dixon told CNN last month. “It’s already becoming more normalised to say ‘partner’.”
It is thought the shift is, partly, due to younger generations moving away from traditional relationship structures. For me, though, it’s simply because the words “husband” and “wife” are so steeped in historical sexism that I feel they cannot possibly reflect the relationship – equal, fair, loving – I have with my, well, partner, a word which, I feel, more accurately represents the fact that we are a team; a partnership, if you will.
I also like that, like the title “Ms”, the term “partner” keeps my marital status hidden: it is, after all, no one else’s business. Plus, “partner” is cheekily ambiguous. It keeps people guessing. Is he my husband? My wife? My lover? My business partner? My partner in crime? Who knows!
This issue of semantics even played a part in our decision – joint, of course – to abandon our marriage plans altogether and opt, instead, for a civil partnership. Now, when people refer to my partner as my husband, I can take great satisfaction in correcting them. Legally, he just… isn’t.
I know others won’t agree with me and I’d never presume to instruct people as to how to refer to those they love. But I would invite both men and women to think about the history woven into the words they use and consider whether it may, in fact, be time to partner up.
