I’ve just turned 40 and I’m absolutely paranoid about looking old. All of my friends are getting Botox and fillers, but I’m too scared to do any of that – and I look like a craven old hag in comparison.
I spend hours poring over my reflection in the mirror and have literally spent hundreds of pounds on skincare: the kind that promises “magic” results. I’m constantly getting “influenced” on Instagram to buy the latest caffeine face roll-on or “incredible” foundation that suits older skin, or “fake” facelift, but none of it makes any difference.
I recently became single after a long-term relationship that I’d been in since my twenties – and I’m just so paranoid now that I’ll be alone for ever; that nobody could possibly want to be with someone so obviously “past it”. I used to love fashion and dressing up for days in the office, cocktails, birthdays – but now I just wear the same basic black, day in and day out. Anything to blend in with the crowd.
Sometimes I feel so old and unattractive that I’ll have to leave a night out because I can’t stop fixating on how I must appear to all my younger friends and colleagues. It’s making me feel depressed and lonely and I’m staying in more and more. Sometimes I feel like my life is over and there’ll never be colour again. Please help.
Wrinkled
Dear Wrinkled,
Do you remember when you last felt good about yourself? Was there a special occasion, an event, a holiday perhaps – or just a night when you felt truly beautiful?
What about a dress or an outfit, the kind that feels like you’re shedding one skin and putting another on as soon as you wear it, the one in which everything feels possible, the one that shivers with romance? Do you still have it, thrust to the very back of your wardrobe?
If so: set your “everyday black” aside and seek out sequins, velvet, taffeta, pearls. Take out the cute co-ords and that scandalous stiletto. Run your hand over satin and silk, trail your fingers over tulle. Put them on – in the privacy of your own home (at first). Reclaim them. Rediscover yourself. Dress. Dance.
Practise the simple art of not giving a f***, and find your own sense of fashion once more. Clash wickedly – shove on bright lipstick, swathe yourself in ridiculous, outlandish colour. Mix red with orange, pink with green. You know that hilarious hat? Put it on and take selfies.
Write yourself a love letter. List some of your many, many attributes: the fact that you are brave enough, at 40 – after a long-term relationship in which you probably forgot who you were as an individual – to hope for love again, one day. That you’ve learnt to be truly independent. That you are someone who can cook, who can look after a home, hold down a job – someone who looks after herself. Competent, capable. A catch.
And yes, your decades-long partnership may have ended, but how brave it is to walk away from something that no longer serves you! It’s sad, of course it is – but it’s courageous, too. To break out of the mould and head in a different direction. To face uncertainty and do it anyway. I’d be willing to bet there are plenty who admire you.
Also note down the way that people around you want to be around you: your friends, your colleagues, even those a good deal younger than you are. The ones who keep on asking you on nights out because your company is so delicious.
Take a moment to admire your reflection in the mirror – do you see the way you glow? And yes, some of it might be expensive skincare. But when we splash a bit of cash on things to slather and indulge ourselves, we’re really doing something quite important: we’re reminding ourselves that we’re worth it. That we care. That we love our bodies and our skin enough to spend good money on staying healthy and vibrant.
You haven’t had Botox or fillers – well done you! There’s nothing wrong with those who choose to do so, but in saying no – because you’re worried about the risks – you’re making a clear and well-defined choice. And making choices shows we have grit: strength of character, deliberation, determination. How wonderful that you have such a strong mind about the things you put in (or keep away from) your body.
Do you see how possible it is to reframe how you’re feeling? And it’s hard, but you can do it: if you take each negative and turn it around, you’ll soon start spotting the positive in all that you do.
It’s also important to remember that none of the issues you’ve listed above – your age, your lines, your lack of partner – are insurmountable. They don’t mean your life is over – just the opposite. They’re not static and neither are we. When we move and go out and pursue activities that we enjoy, we grow – and we create umpteen opportunities to meet others of a similar mindset. We open ourselves up to possibility. We never ever stop learning or experiencing something new.
There is, however, something pressing you need to do right now – and that’s fall in love with yourself. You need to remember who you are. You need to swoon when you look in the mirror, touch yourself as you’d want to be touched, wear that pea-green pea-coat for no other reason than that it brings you joy.
So no, don’t stay indoors in your drab black. You’re far too young and gorgeous for that.
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