When Matt Hancock is about to put his head into a trunk full of bugs, Ant and Dec should tell him they can’t give him a mask as they do with other celebs, as they’ve run out of protective equipment. So he’ll have to make do with a bin liner.
If Hancock finds the yellow stars at the bottom of the snakes, they should tell him they’re not giving him any food after all. But they are going to stand under a tree every Thursday evening and clap.
When he’s crawling into a trunk full of rats, they should say: “You have to stay there for two minutes, and if it gets unbearable you have to scream ‘Get me out of here’, and we’ll let you out. That’s because it will be very unpleasant for you rats. But you, Matt Hancock, are just going to be left there.”
He says he’s taking part in the programme so he can “discuss politics with a wider audience”.
That will be noble of him, to widen our democracy by discussing the merits of a tight fiscal policy in between drinking cupfuls of kangaroo sperm.
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Each night he can explain: “The problem with a trade deficit – slurp gag, hnnyeaagh – is it leaves a debt for – gulp HNGYANG AGH I’m going to be sick, Ant, I’m gagging – future generations.”
He’s not thinking for a moment about the £350,000. He simply wants to use this opportunity to explain the new trade deal with Japan while sat on a log with Olivia from Love Island.
And I’m sure he’ll still carry out his duties as the elected MP for his constituents in Suffolk. When he’s in the Jungle Diary Room, he’ll say: “I don’t feel I’ve bonded with Boy George. But more importantly I’ve checked the application for the extension to the bus garage in Haverhill, and it has my backing as long as it conforms to planning regulations.”
He seems to believe the public may change their view of him when they see the “real person”.
And I’m sure that’s true. For example, nurses will say: “I spent a week in intensive care because his department ran out of protective equipment. Then he said it was our fault for ‘changing too often’. But now I’ve seen him tell a funny anecdote to a footballer about meeting Prince Philip, so I think he’s a sweetiepie.”
During the pandemic, contracts worth hundreds of millions were handed out to people with no experience, because they were mates with ministers.
He’s probably already asked ITV if his mum can be paid £50million for providing the cockroaches.
But it’s cheery to know that however many lives you ruin, you can call yourself a celebrity and carry on.
Next year Vladimir Putin can take part, joking with someone from Hollyoaks: “I won five stars in the challenge, so we can have a good meal tonight. But I poisoned one out of habit and can’t remember which, ha ha ha.”
