Former Geordie Shore star Vicky Pattison admits she has "always lived life to extremes". This includes her relationship with alcohol, which has been part of the 34-year-old's life from long before she burst onto our screens in 2011.
Why? Because Vicky's dad, John, is an alcoholic. It took her until the age of 28 to say the words out loud; six years on, she's confronting the uncomfortable truths of his illness and what it may mean for her.
“My childhood is peppered with moments that I thought were normal, that as an adult I’ve discovered weren’t,” Vicky says.
“I thought houses were loud and noisy and sometimes quite scary - and a lot of houses aren’t.
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“If you’d asked me at eight, nine years old if I was ever going to have a drink, I would have said no. I would have said, ‘There’s no way I’m ending up like my dad’. And I hate that that was even something that was in my mind that young.”
The 34-year-old from Newcastle-upon-Tyle, now living in Essex with her fiancé Ercan Ramadan, is delving into that past in a candid Channel 4 documentary, Vicky Pattison: My Dad, Alcohol And Me, where she explores all aspects of alcoholism - including whether it's genetic.
Vicky is now around the same age as her dad was when his addiction took hold, and she’s terrified of going down the same path. She loves a drink - that hasn't changed - but is concerned by the lack of off switch that sometimes comes with it.
“I’m a person who completely has always lived life to extremes,” she says. “Obviously I have an addictive personality, we’ve seen that my dad also shares those qualities.”
“I am a people pleaser and I want to be what everyone wants me to be,” she adds, describing how hard it has been to shake ‘that version of Vicky from Geordie Shore’.
“If I am in a big social situation, like a big wedding or a massive event or a party, and someone’s like, ‘Oh, let’s do shots! Let’s do this!’, it’s very hard for me to say, ‘Oh, no, I’m someone different now.’ “Because there is still a part of me that is that person.”
Of the show that made her name, the TV personality maintains Geordie Shore is “absolutely not” the reason why she has a complicated relationship with alcohol. Her fear is that it's etched within her make genetic makeup.
“My biggest fear was that I’d find out something about me or my dad that I didn’t like. Or I find out that, ‘Well, maybe you are actually just going to be an alcoholic because your dad is, and you can go on all the fitness retreats you want and you can do all the Dry Januarys you like but you’re going to hurt your kids’,” admits Vicky.
Not only does she look at the damage booze has done to her own body, the 34-year-old's psychological approach to alcohol is assessed to find out if it's similar to her dad's. Vicky admits she's fearful that she's destined to become an alcoholic.
Worried about what could be in her future, the documentary also shows Vicky supporting what's in her present: an alcoholic father who's shown to suffer a relapse during the Christmas period where he drank “constantly, consistently” for two weeks.
She’s desperate to find a way to speak to her dad honestly about accessing the help he needs, and about how much his addiction hurts her - and this means "delivering some painful home truths".
“We all need a bit of tough love,” she says, adding: “It’s so hard to be that person to someone you love, because you do just want to be the best daughter to them, the best sibling, the best whatever."
Admitting the pair is now closer for going through this experience together, Vicky understands that there are "going to be moments where he loses his battle with his addiction".
"It’s not linear, this disease, by any stretch of the imagination. I have a better understanding of it now, I’m really mindful. So our relationship’s better than it’s ever been.”
Vicky also meets two women who have lose their dads to alcohol; an enlightening experience which made her realise what she has: "I am in a really fortunate position to still be able to say all those things to my dad, rather than having to talk to his gravestone.”
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Vicky Pattison: My Dad, Alcohol And Me will air on Tuesday, August 2 on Channel 4 and All 4.
