Name: Dishwasher.
Age: The first dishwasher – operated with a hand-cranked handle – was patented in 1850; the first electric one went on sale in 1929.
Appearance: A convenient whirring cube in your kitchen full of plates, cutlery, pans and the toilet brush.
WHAT? Yeah, I know I shouldn’t put pans in there. My bad.
You know perfectly well I mean the toilet brush. And the toilet brush holder, of course.
You’ve gone too far this time. It’s not actually me: it’s Mumsnet user “Swizzle007”, who posted about being caught by a friend with a loo brush in the dishwasher. “She totally freaked out and said this is disgusting,” the user wrote in a since-deleted post on the platform’s legendary “Am I being unreasonable” thread.
Let me clear that up for you Swizzle007: yes, you are being unreasonable. That was certainly the opinion of the majority of commenters: “utterly rank”; “absolutely disgusting”; “washing your pots in poo” and “naaaaasty” is a representative selection.
Quite right too. There were a few pro-brush voices. “You can make me a cuppa anytime,” one said.
That has put me right off my brew. Wimp. A study found that children from homes without dishwashers had more robust immune systems. They speculated it was because less efficient washing meant greater exposure to microbes.
And how is that remotely relevant? Well, a dishwasher with a toilet brush in it must be even more microbe-infested than handwashing your dishes, mustn’t it?
Thanks, that’s some robust “science” right there. Speaking of science, how about a science-based dishwasher quiz?
You really know how to live. I suppose it could take my mind off the horror. OK, pre-rinse or not?
I know this: don’t pre-rinse. Correct: dishwasher detergent is designed to bond with food residue. Knives pointing up or down?
Down, obviously, for safety. Trick question! From chefs and knifemakers to the “director of cleaning” at the Good Housekeeping Institute, everyone says chefs’ knives shouldn’t go in there, silly: they’ll get blunt and could damage the dishwasher too.
Any other gems, smartypants? Yes: researchers at the University of Birmingham found that putting your dishes in a circle with carbohydrate-soiled plates nearest the centre and protein-soiled outside is the optimum arrangement.
That is actually interesting. Yes: carbohydrates need a good blast, while proteins are easier to wash away once they swell up in slower-travelling water. So arrange your plates in a nice circle then put your toilet brush in the middle, perfect.
Do say: “I’ve actually brought my travel mug! Why don’t you pop my coffee in there? Saves washing up.”
Don’t say: “It’s dish sponges you should worry about: they have the same bacterial density as actual poo.”
