When your teen hits puberty, their brain changes dramatically. The ‘teenage brain’ is unique, it is a time of dramatic brain growth and unparalleled learning opportunity. Precisely because the brain is acutely responsive to the environment, it is also a time of potential vulnerability. As the parent of a teen, it means you have to shift gear so that you can make the most of this extraordinary time. Rather than take a step back, parents of teens need to stay close, but your strategy needs to change according to their stage in life. Think of it as tracking them at a respectful distance. Here we outline 4 practical science-based tips that if used consistently through the teenage years, will improve your teen’s life trajectory and well-being.
1. Hitch a ride on the unique and powerful drives of the teenage brain
The teenage brain shifts gear in puberty, to ensure adolescents explore, engage and notice the world in a unique way. These priorities are an evolutionary masterstroke, because they allow the young person to prepare for adulthood and independence. For example, teens need to find their future tribe, and so their brain zeros in on their peer group and is highly attuned to acceptance and integration because that same peer group is their future community. Teen brains are wired to look out for novel experiences and take risks and this means that they learn about their environment, its costs and benefits. Their brain is driven to independence and so they often reject parents’ ideals and philosophy as part of separating from the family. One aspect of the adolescent years that is often misunderstood is the intense emotions that young people feel and express. Neuroscience considers emotions as a way of learning about the world and teens need to learn efficiently in preparation for adulthood, so accordingly the intensity of their emotions is heightened. Use this framework, and you can work with biology rather than against it. For example, capitalize on the pull towards peers and set up study groups, reframe rejection of familiar family ideas as a step towards healthy separation. Knowing the science helps parents and can shift perception to see these behaviours as necessary and adaptive rather than rejecting and disrespectful, enabling greater compassion and understanding.
2. Use a consultation model with your teen
Teens need experiences that provide choice and where they can exercise autonomy. This means relationships with parents need to change, in particular the way you deliver your parenting. Young people have an intense need to feel respected so a consultation model works best. So, listen more and talk less and develop a problem-solving strategy together. Part of the strategy includes consciously supporting them towards independence. It’s hard to watch our kids struggle but saving them from the natural consequences of life does not work long-term. Instead of finishing their homework for them when they are tired, you may need to allow them to explore the consequences of that so that they learn key life skills. That way they experience and develop resilience, self-confidence and a sense of autonomy.
3. When emotions run high – stay calm, be warm but hold your boundary
Teens will challenge authority and test boundaries as they are figuring out who they are and how they want to live. Good communication and deep curiosity are the key to managing this. Boundary testing is usually a highly emotional time for everyone involved. When their behaviour has gone haywire and they have a meltdown, your job is to try to find out what’s really going on. Shouting at them simply escalates things and is never a good idea, but neither changing your approach nor caving in the face of their intense emotions is helpful either. Stay with them during the intense emotion (it will help them calm down) but don’t try and negotiate while emotions are running high, they won’t be able to hear you while their brain is in an intensely emotional state. Stay strong and talk it through at a calm time. This might be hours or even days later. Listen to them, be genuinely curious about their perspective, potential triggers for the meltdown, make time for conversation where emotions can be discussed, and difficulties worked through. Finding a resolution and working through these tough times is where the magic of teenage parenting happens. Doing this will help teens learn how to manage their own emotions and boundaries appropriately. Both are essential life skills.
4. Keep connected, especially during the hard times
Teens need their parents, even if they push you away in the moment. These years are bewildering times for them, with many practical and emotional hurdles to overcome. They need a stable, predictable and nurturing environment at home, even though it is precisely the same period of life when confrontations at home are frequent. Parents need to give them space and hold them tight at the same time (no one said it was easy). The linchpin here is a strong relationship. Studies show that a strong, warm and nurturing parental relationship can impact brain function so that teens can negotiate the challenging times of life while protecting them from potential mental health problems further down the line.
The teenage years can be challenging for everyone in the family, but neuroscience has lifted the lid on adolescence to help you understand and connect with your teen, and with that comes the key to unlocking the potential of the incredible teenage brain.
Learn more about the teenage brain at the upcoming masterclass, taking place on Tuesday 1 March 2022. Tickets available to book now.
