We knew they were suffering in Ukraine, but we didn’t realise the situation was this bad, because President Zelensky has come to Britain to ask for help from our government.
How grim does your situation have to be before you’re pleading for help from Grant Shapps and Suella Braverman?
Zelensky had to ask for military planes from a government that lost all the plastic gowns during a pandemic. They handed out contracts worth billions of pounds to their mates who had never made anything before, in one case to the landlord of Matt Hancock ’s pub.
So if they do decide to help him, they’ll commission Jacob Rees-Mogg’s brother-in-law to make a fleet of fighter jets, for three billion quid. Then he’ll make an Airfix model, but with the cockpit the wrong way round.
They will order one bomber, but Nadhim Zahawi will carelessly forget to hand it over, keeping it for himself so he can fly his cats round the garden.
It would have made more sense if Zelensky had asked other bodies for help, such as Berkshire County Council.
They could have told him they didn’t have any planes, but if Ukraine did shoot down any Russian MIG-29 twin-engine fighter aircraft, they’d happily clear away the rubbish on the second Tuesday in the month, as long as it was in a wheelie bin.
Our government can’t keep railways, schools, fire stations or hospitals open when we’re NOT being bombarded by Russia. So all they could offer him was a tour round the Houses of Parliament and to shake hands with King Charles.
When he returns to Ukraine, and he’s asked what he got from Britain, he can say they couldn’t give him any planes, but never mind because he got a selfie with Dominic Raab that he’s put on Instagram, and found out Charles is taller in real life than you think.
Next time Zelensky comes here it will be worse. Before he leaves Ukraine, Rishi Sunak will ask him “can you bring us some supplies please? We’re out of ambulances and fire engines, so if you’ve got any spare that you’ve captured off the Russians, we’d appreciate it if you can pass them our way”.
The moment when Zelensky would really have to worry is when he’s asked to meet Tory peer Michelle Mone. Because during the pandemic, she persuaded the Government to give her husband’s company a contract worth tens of millions to make protective equipment.
So she might do the same this time. Six months after receiving the money, her husband will say that aeroplanes turned out to be trickier to build than he realised. But he has got several packets of balloons, and they should float about a bit so they’re just as good.
I think the best way we can help Ukraine, is to say we’re on Putin’s side and we’d like to help run HIS army. Within a week all his tanks would be replaced with a replacement bus service and his army would be finished.
