Trevor Noah
Trevor Noah detailed King Charles’s gaffe-laden first week as Britain’s monarch, following the death of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, last Thursday. “It’s going to take a lot of work to shape the monarchy into something that everyone can get behind,” the Daily Show host said. “But based on his first week in power, looks like King Charles isn’t the guy to do it.”
Should King Charles's hissy fit over pens really be a surprise given his history? pic.twitter.com/HrU1eNA0KQ
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) September 15, 2022
In footage since mocked online, Charles became irritated by a leaking fountain pen after writing the wrong date in a visitor’s book. “Oh God, I hate this,” he said. “I can’t bear this bloody thing.”
“I love how Charles says the pens leak on him all the time,” said Noah. “You’re literally the King of England, dude! If you don’t like the pens, get different pens. I’m not an expert in the monarchy, but I’m pretty sure the hierarchy doesn’t go: Prince William, King Charles and then the guy who buys the pens.”
Still, “I feel kinda bad for him. I do,” Noah continued. “Because in the old days, the King would’ve never had these issues. There would be no leaking pens. Also the King would never get corrected after writing the wrong date. That just would’ve been the new date.
“Maybe King Charles is just stressed out right now. Maybe that’s why this is happening,” Noah mused. “But if you paid attention to Charles back during his prince days, you would know that this is pretty much how he’s always been.”
Noah pulled up footage in which a former royal butler recalled being summoned by Charles to pick up a letter that had fallen into the wastebasket next to him. “When I was a kid, I thought kings had to pull swords out of stones,” Noah laughed. “This dude can barely pull his dick out of his own pants?”
Stephen Colbert
On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert mourned the death of Queen Elizabeth II, who “provid[ed] comfort to Britain for over 70 years. She helped weather several financial crises, joining and leaving the European Union and, of course, Ed Sheeran’s reign of terror.”
King Charles has immediately assumed his late mother’s financial portfolio worth billions, sans the 40% inheritance tax that applies to most British subjects. “He’s supposed to be the ultimate public servant, and he doesn’t pay taxes? That is going to cost him some votes,” Colbert joked.
In other news, Ukrainian victories in the east of the country have shattered Russia’s reputation as a military superpower. “But don’t you worry, Russia, you’ll always have your reputation as an endless wasteland littered with clinically depressed root vegetables,” Colbert quipped.
The defeats have military experts noting that Russian troops suffer from low morale – “or as the Kremlin calls it, ‘special military sadness’”, Colbert joked.
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers tried to make sense of the numerous sprawling investigations into Donald Trump, including evidence that his 2020 “election defense fund” actually financed dozens of rallies, staff salaries and travel expenses. “Although let me stress: I think most people who would donate money to Trump would do it no matter what he said it was for,” said Meyers.
“I don’t know why he opened himself up to criminal liability by lying and saying it was for a legal fund”, he continued, “when he could’ve just raised as much from telling his supporters, ‘I’m upset, and the only thing that cheers me up is money.’ Or ‘Going on a fancy plane ride tomorrow, wanna pay for it?’
“It’s getting hard to keep track of all of Trump’s criminal investigations,” Meyers added. “I don’t even think I could list them all here if I tried. Which is a shame, because people should know about all of them, given that the Republican party and so many of its midterm candidates are standing firmly behind Trump.”
One of those investigations involved the Trump hanger-on and MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell, whose phone was seized by the FBI at a Hardee’s drive-through in Mankato, Minnesota. “It’s so fitting that they stopped Lindell at a Hardee’s, because when you think of it, Hardee’s would be a more accurate name for MyPillow,” Meyers joked.
“It’s just so perfect,” he added. “I think if someone told you, ‘Hey, they seized Mike Lindell’s cellphone,’ your brain would just auto-complete the sentence with ‘at a Mankato Hardee’s.’”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel lamented how more than half of all Republican candidates on the ballot for November’s midterms have either questioned the legitimacy of Joe Biden’s victory in 2020 or actively tried to overturn the results. “How is this a thing? There is literally no evidence of any kind of fraud. Certainly not fraud that could’ve come anywhere close,” he said.
Both Republican and Democratic secretaries of state certified the 2020 results, “and yet these lowlifes continue with this lie, it’s the dumbest thing,” he continued. “Imagine if half the Republican nominees believed that chicken is a vegetable, and just said, that’s it. This is exactly as dumb as that.”
As for Mike Lindell’s phone seizure at a Hardee’s, “I have so many questions about this,” Kimmel laughed. “Was the FBI following him? Or did they just say, '‘You know what, eventually he’s going to go to Hardee’s, we’ll just wait here.’
“I have a feeling the FBI followed him around for a few days and finally stopped him in the place that would make the funniest headline, which was Hardee’s,” he theorized. “And for that, I commend them.”
