Trevor Noah
“Seemingly every day, Russia becomes more and more isolated from the rest of the world,” said Trevor Noah on Monday’s episode of the Daily Show. “They can’t fly anywhere, they can’t order anything off of Amazon, they can’t even use Airbnb, which means now they need to film themselves going to the bathroom.
As Russians find themselves increasingly cut off from the truth, one brave protester slips an anti-war message onto state TV. pic.twitter.com/xX8EjwMioM
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) March 15, 2022
“And every day, the Russian people become more cut off from the truth about the war,” he continued. The Kremlin has shut down independent media, yet one person managed to slip an anti-war message on to state television: during a Monday evening broadcast, Marina Ovsyannikova, an editor at Channel One, burst onto the set of the nightly news, shouting: “Stop the war. No to war.”
She also held a sign which read: “Don’t believe the propaganda. They’re lying to you here.” It was signed in English, “Russians against the war.”
Ovsyannikova’s protest, visible for several seconds before the channel switched to a pre-recorded segment, was “one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen”, said Noah. “Although, knowing Russia’s propaganda machine, it’s probably going to find a way to like twist this whole thing. They’ll be like, ‘You saw the sign, there is no war. Everything is normal. All good.’”
In another crackdown on free speech, the Kremlin has also taken Facebook, Twitter and Instagram offline. Given 48 hours notice by the government, many Instagram influencers released distraught final videos. “It feels like a big part of my heart and my life is being taken away from me,” said Olga Buzova, a Russian reality TV star, in a tearful video.
“If you thought being a Ukrainian refugee was bad,” said Noah, “imagine being forced to pick up your whole life on Instagram and move it over to Cameo. That’s tragic.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump’s buddy Vladimir Putin is doing whatever he can to prevent Russian citizens from knowing the truth about what he’s up to in Ukraine,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Monday evening, from bans of Instagram and Facebook to rumors spread by the Kremlin that the US trained birds to carry Ukrainian biological weapons in to Russia.
“Which, listen, the only deadly bird we’ve developed in this country is this one,” he said over a picture of the Twitter logo. “And we’re primarily using it on ourselves.”
In other news, “Yesterday, Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback of all time, woke up, noticed daylight saving time, and thought ‘What should I do with this extra hour of sunlight? I know: I’ll play a 23rd season of football.”
Forty-one days after he announced his retirement, the seven-time Super Bowl winner announced that he will play another season of football with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “Tom Brady is like your friend who announces she’s quitting Instagram and then posts something three hours later,” Kimmel noted. “I guess he realized that if he retired there wouldn’t be anyone around to make sure Gronk doesn’t eat a gallon of Tide Pods.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert checked in on day 19 of Russia’s war in Ukraine, and “things are going nyet bueno” for Putin; Russia has gained limited territory and suffered heavy losses in personnel and equipment. According to one report, Russians were so confident of a swift victory that instead of bringing extra ammunition or rations into Ukraine, they brought dress uniforms for a victory parade.
“Kinda jumped the gun guys,” said Colbert. “That’s like scheduling your first Tinder date at the altar.”
According to reports, desperate Russians have taken to breaking into supermarkets and shops, and raiding homes in search of food and valuables as their own supply lines have failed.
“Reminder: they’re just 90 miles from their home bases,” said Colbert. “That’s like driving from New York to Philly and turning cannibal at Trenton.
“With his invasion going poorly, Putin has only one man to blame: anyone but him,” Colbert added, noting reports that Russian spy chiefs have been placed under house arrest. “That’s right, they’re stuck at home with nothing to do except watch the popular Russian reality show Love is Blindfolded and Thrown into a Van.”
Putin has also reportedly fired generals in response to his invasion losses. “Of course he fired them!” Colbert exclaimed. “They allowed Ukrainians to capture their greatest weapon: truck full of onions.”
Seth Meyers
And on Late Night, Seth Meyers tore into Donald Trump for reckless comments about leveraging US nuclear power in Ukraine. “I think it goes without saying that this is a very precarious moment in which reckless military escalation could lead to even more catastrophe,” said Meyers. “We need to help the millions of people who are suffering and support diplomatic paths toward an end to the conflict.
“The last thing we need right now is, I don’t know, a former president bragging that is he were still in office he would use nuclear weapons,” such as Trump did on Fox News last Thursday. “Biden, every time he gets up he says ‘they are a nuclear nation,’” Trump said. “He should say we are a nuclear nation, and you know, I rebuilt our whole nuclear arsenal stronger, bigger, better than ever before. It’s better and it’s bigger than Russia.”
“Everybody knows that we’re a nuclear nation,” Meyers retorted. “Is that one of those things that he just found out and he thinks he’s the only one who knows?”
