Pilot: Oh, it’s you.
Rishi Sunak: Of course it is. Who did you think it was?
Pilot: James Cleverly. He WhatsApped me this morning asking me to get the plane ready. He said he was on another visit to the Middle East.
Sunak: Jimmy D is the limit sometimes. I had to tell him that this was my plane and I wanted it to go to Israel. He’ll just have to take a scheduled flight.
Pilot: He’s not going to like that.
Sunak: He was very grumpy. But he’s got to learn he can’t have everything he wants.
Pilot: So there’s two of you going to the Middle East?
Sunak: Yes. And Grant Shapps is in the US.
Pilot: That should prolong the conflict.
Sunak: I did worry about that.
The UK: So did we.
Pilot: Anyone might think you all wanted to be out of the country when the byelection results were announced.
Sunak: Well, shall we take off now?
Pilot: Sorry. I was just waiting for the press corp to board the plane.
Sunak: Oh them? I seem to have forgotten to invite the media. Such a shame there will be no one to report on my brilliant diplomacy.
Twelve hours later …
Sunak: Good day, prime minister.
Benjamin Netanyahu: Who are you?
Sunak: Rishi.
Netanyahu: Rishi who?
Sunak: Rishi Sunak.
Netanyahu: Rishi Sunak who?
Sunak: Rishi Sunak, the UK prime minister.
Netanyahu: If you say so. You Brits don’t half churn through your political leaders. Anyway, what are you doing here in Israel? We’re actually quite busy at the moment. In case you didn’t know, Hamas murdered more than 1,300 Israeli civilians and there is a war in Gaza.
Sunak: That’s actually why I’m here. I just wanted to let you know that I am appalled by the attack on your country and that the UK stands united with Israel.
Netanyahu: I see. Well, that’s very kind of you. Much appreciated. But couldn’t you have just said all that back in London?
Sunak: I did! I did! Twice in the House of Commons. But no one really noticed. Thing is, no one takes me seriously as a global statesman. So that’s why I came in person. To let people know I’m a world leader to strike fear into the heart of Hamas. And to reassure those back in the UK that I’m not a global nonentity. Most people at home think I’m a waste of space.
Netanyahu: Mmm. Not sure that’s quite going to work. But we’ll give it a go. I know what it’s like to be unpopular at home. Many Israelis want me out of a job too. So, how can I help you?
Sunak: Er … First, I’d like to say we stand united with Israel.
Netanyahu: You’ve said that. Now, what else?
Sunak: I’m sorry. I’m a bit nervous. I haven’t done much of this statesman in a time of crisis stuff before. So what I really want to say next is that though we absolutely stand behind Israel’s right to defend herself we would much prefer it if any retaliation was within the boundaries of international law. More or less.
Netanyahu: And?
Sunak: And we’d like it if you could open the Rafah crossing in the south of Gaza to allow in convoys of aid. Gaza is desperately short of water, food, fuel and medical supplies and is on the brink of a humanitarian disaster. Ordinary Palestinians cannot be used as a collective punishment for the actions of Hamas.
Netanyahu: Er … hello. You do know that Joe Biden …
Sunak: Who?
Netanyahu: The US president was here yesterday and Israel and Egypt has already agreed to this. We’ve promised to let 20 lorries into Gaza in the coming days.
Sunak: You couldn’t make that 21 lorries, could you?
Netanyahu: No. A deal is a deal. The US is the only country we really listen to around here. Other world leaders are just window dressing. No offence. To be honest, the Brits don’t have the best record as peacemakers in the region.
Sunak: I see. So it’s all sorted for now and I’ve rather been wasting my time.
Netanyahu: I have been trying to tell you. Now, I must get on with the war.
Sunak: Can I just say, I know how that feels. The UK is also at war. With inflation. And last month inflation remained at 6.7%. The highest in the G7. Which is a fantastic achievement. I won’t rest until inflation is halved. Do you want to hear about my brilliant five promises?
Netanyahu: Another time.
Sunak: Well, can we just do a short press conference? Just to make it look like my trip has been worthwhile. We could say how much we like each other and how we are both united against terrorism.
Netanyahu: I suppose so. As long as you’re quick.
A few hours later …
Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman: Welcome to Saudi Arabia.
Sunak: Thank you for having me, Crown Prince.
Bin Salman: How did you get on in Israel?
Sunak: I held extremely constructive talks with Prime Minister Netanyahu. I told him very forcefully that the UK and the world expected Israel to act within international law and got him to confirm that the humanitarian aid he had promised would be delivered.
Bin Salman: Wow! Tough talking. And what do you hope to achieve here?
Sunak: I’m not sure really. Maybe the Arab world could put pressure on Hamas. That would be good. But mostly a photo opportunity for the papers back home.
Depraved New World by John Crace (Guardian Faber, £16.99). To support the Guardian and Observer, pre-order your copy and save 18% at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply.
