Toronto film festival: a feast of stars

Lock up your daughters, ladies and gentlemen, for here come the roustabout sons of Ireland. Colin Farrell, Bono and The Edge get the party started outside a screening of Ondine Photograph: Alberto E Rodriguez/Getty

Fresh from picking up the best actor award at Venice, Colin Firth rolls into Canada to plug his role in Tom Ford's A Single Man. But this movie lies. Off-screen, Firth is not A Single Man and shockingly lets this slip by showing up with his Significant Other (aka Livia Guiggioli) Photograph: Mike Cassese/Reuters

No festival would be complete without an appearance from Jesus. And here He is, sent down to work the crowds in the flesh-and-blood form of an actor named Keanu Reeves and duly preaching the gospel according to Hollywood outside the screening of The Private Lives of Pippa Lee Photograph: Mark Blinch/Reuters

Feast your eyes on the three faces of modern-day America. Mary J Blige, Bill Clinton and Matt Damon strike a Mount Rushmore pose at the ONEXONE Private Dinner. "Private", in this case, means no riff-raff Photograph: George Pimentel/WireImage.com

Oh wait, maybe this is the modern-day Mount Rushmore. Executive Oprah Winfrey takes her place beside Mariah Carey at the Precious press conference. Mary J Blige (yes, her again) provides a welcome measure of constancy Photograph: Jason Merritt/Getty

Make way for Nicolas Cage, the star of Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Werner Herzog's wild remake of the old Abel Ferrara film also stars a pair of iguanas. The iguanas, sad to say, did not attend the red carpet premiere Photograph: Mike Cassese/Reuters

Ricky Gervais strikes a pose at the press conference for his directing debut The Invention of Lying. Here is a man so strong that he once beat up on Grant Bovey. And that's a fact Photograph: Evan Agostini/AP

The festival experience takes its toll on us all. Specifically, Toronto has taken its toll on George Clooney, who swanned into town to promote The Men Who Stare at Goats ... and left it with his right hand swaddled in bandages after slamming it in a car door. The upside is that his hand is insured for an estimated $250m dollars Photograph: WARREN TODA/EPA

Most festivals give you just the one John. Toronto gives us two, in the very same picture. Johnnie To, meet Johnny Hallyday Photograph: Evan Agostini/AP

And that's not all that Toronto has to offer. It gives us Brenda Blethyn in a scarf ... Photograph: Getty Images/Getty Images

Christopher Plummer in a cravat ... Photograph: Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com

... and Julie Christie in a head-scarf. And look, Bill Nighy in glasses as well Photograph: Mike Cassese/Reuters

It gives us Michael Moore in a baseball cap ... Photograph: Mark Blinch/Reuters

... and Natalie Portman in some earrings Photograph: Evan Agostini/AP

... and Drew Barrymore, not drowning but waving alongside her Whip It co-star Ellen Page Photograph: Malcolm Taylor/Getty Images

For good measure, Toronto also gives us funny celebrities striking curious poses. Here we see Ed Norton with his thumb in the air. This essentially translates as: "Hey, it's all good. Everyone be cool. Chill out for Christ's sake" Photograph: Mario Anzuoni/Reuters

And here we have Robin Penn Wright pushing her finger against her nose. Leastways we hope it's her finger. The only other alternative is that some random woman has just marched up and jabbed her in the face. And how rude would that have been? Photograph: Mike Cassese/Reuters

So, in conclusion: this year's Toronto film festival offers a star-spangled spread of bandaged hands and baseball caps and offensive women who might conceivably have just walked up out of nowhere and poked a famous actor in the face. But it is also about food and private dinners, where they turn away the riff-raff and hand not one plate but two to the likes of Sarah Ferguson. Now be honest: don't you wish you'd been invited? Photograph: Jeff Vespa/WireImage.com