One by one, British ministers made stern speeches that went: “We will be STRONG and RUTHLESS against Putin and evil Russian money.”
This sounds convincing, because over the last few years we’ve been really strict with his oligarchs.
To start with, we’ve allowed them to buy half the property in London, which must have caused them an absolute nightmare in getting surveys done and arranging removal vans.
Maybe next week we’ll get even more serious and announce that when an oligarch buys a riverside apartment, they have to wait an extra day before receiving their parking permit.
One of them, Lubov Chernukhin, donated millions to the Conservative Party and had a game of tennis with Boris Johnson.
I suppose that now we’re being even tougher, if she plays another game, Boris will hit the ball really hard.
Minister James Cleverly said the Russians who donated to the Conservatives were “fleeing Putin”.
Maybe this is why the sanctions they first announced only affected five Russian banks and three Russian oligarchs. All the others are fleeing Putin.
For example, Roman Abramovich, the Russian billionaire who bought Chelsea, is hiding in fear from Putin.
Luckily he’s found an excellent place to hide, which is the directors’ box at Stamford Bridge, where I expect he’s writing a diary like Anne Frank. This includes harrowing words such as “I hear knock at door.
“My heart races. Is this Putin’s agents? I am lucky, the goalkeeper is happy as we have beat Barcelona.”
The tough stance must also be why this government has worked so hard in stopping inflatable boats crossing the channel. Some of those refugees might be oligarchs from Russia and it’s essential we keep them out.
But somehow they sneaked in by private jet and getting dual nationality and putting millions of rubles in our banks and donating to the Conservative Party, the wily rascals.
So now we can relax that we’re in safe hands, such as Defence Secretary Ben Wallace who said: “We kicked the backside of the Russians in 1853 in Crimea, we can do it again.” That’s the plan, is it? Maybe Ben will go out there himself to kick their backside like we did in 1853.
He can take Jacob Rees-Mogg, who will tell us he’s already cleaned his musket and he’ll humiliate the Russians by challenging them to a Latin test.
At this critical moment, this is who we have in charge.
It would be more reassuring if a BBC announcer said: “Now, to hear the latest on the alarming events in Ukraine, we’re going live to hear a statement from Bez, the dancer from the Happy Mondays.”
Then he would explain “Right, yeah, there are like tanks and everything, you know, it’s like, heavy.”
In any case, as soon as Boris Johnson said he’d be tough on Putin, it was certain that in 18 months we’ll see photos of Putin on the night of the invasion, having a beer with Liz Truss and Boris Johnson in the garden at No10.
