At times like these we need the mind of Sherlock Holmes. “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.” So we’re left with a crime scene for which the only explanation is that half the Tories must suffer from arrested development. Maybe they all fell on their heads at the same tea party while they were overdosing on sugar. Because this week’s prime minister’s questions turned into a total embarrassment. One that was cheered on by frontbenchers such as Johnny Mercer and Jeremy Hunt, who are too half-witted to understand what they are watching.
The Tory party has been unravelling for a while now. Arguably since 2010. But there’s no denying that the pace has ramped up significantly in recent months. Now it’s almost impossible to keep up. We seem to get through three or four news cycles between breakfast and lunch. If you stop paying attention for more than an hour, you are hopelessly lost. No chance of catching up. The world becomes a mystery.
Try making sense of the appearance of Lee Anderson in the chamber. You might have been under the impression that 30p Lee had been suspended from the party. Persona non grata. Though what for is another question. You’ll find any number of ministers saying what he did was wrong. Totally unacceptable. Yet they become confused when asked to explain the nature of the wrong. “Er … I don’t know. It’s just … wrong.”
But Anderson walked into the Commons without a care in the world. All smiles, backslapping his mates. Before heading straight back to his normal place between Andrea Jenkyns and Dean Russell. They could not have looked more pleased, either. Thrilled – honoured, even – that their old mucker had come to join them. Other Tory MPs soon gathered round to celebrate the return of the prodigal son. A man more sinned against than sinning. Suspended on a Saturday and welcomed back on Wednesday. Just like it never happened.
If only the same could be said of PMQs itself. This was one for the masochists. An existential tour de farce that meant nothing. Just 30 minutes of mindless posturing. Exchanges that were cheered noisily but meant nothing. The speaker is badly damaged after last week’s Gaza debate – before, he would have at least tried to keep order; now he lets MPs do as they please. At the heart of government there is only a vacuum into which any form of intelligent life has long since been sucked in.
Keir Starmer went in on the attack. Highlighting how far the Tory party has veered to the right. How many of its traditional supporters would now find it impossible to vote for Rishi Sunak’s rabble. He talked of how the Tories were living in a fantasy world. One where the country was controlled by a shadowy “deep state” run by the Bank of England and the Financial Times. Where all the major cities were under sharia law. Where public stonings were a daily occurrence. Where Tommy Robinson was hailed as a hero in the presence of Liz Truss, with no response. Yet another action with no comeback.
“You’re spineless, hopeless and utterly shameless,” yelled Rish!, a paragon of confected rage. Everything about Sunak is artifice because he doesn’t really believe in anything any more. He did once believe in himself. What self-respecting techbro, Master of the Universe, wouldn’t? Only everything around him has turned to shit. There’s nothing left he can do to persuade people to back him. He’s a pointless, empty vessel. One of the few members of the cabinet self-aware enough to experience the pain of his own futility. To know that everything he does is wrong.
But the Tory MPs loved it. This was the first time they had seen any sign of life from their leader in months. Normally he just flatlines his way through PMQs. Now at least there was some fight. Though they were way too dim to realise that all the movement was the last throes of a fish out of water.
Worst still, the Conservative party is dying with him. Sunak is no longer a leader. He’s given up trying to give his MPs direction. Now he’s just a follower, going in whatever direction he is taken. A ship without a sail. MPs like 30p Lee and Radon Liz call the shots now. That’s why no Tory dares to mention the words Islamophobia or racism. The Tories are in danger of being institutionally blind to their Islamophobia. Lee’s words have become acceptable.
So now we entered a shouting contest. Your party is racist, said Starmer. No, you’re the racist, squealed Rish!, as they were surrounded by mindless noise. Anyone who dared point out that the emperor had no clothes was dismissed as a woke virtue signaller.
Yet every time Sunak spoke he merely emphasised the unbearable lightness of his being. Too detached from reality – a parliamentary helium balloon – to realise that every criticism he made of Starmer was better aimed at himself. The mirror was playing tricks with his reality. It was his reflection that he saw all along. The man he really hated was staring back at him.
The accusations were threadbare. A surrealist fantasy. Starmer was too weak to throw Jeremy Corbyn out the party even though he had suspended him years ago. The three ex-Labour members standing in Rochdale? All signs of racism in the Labour party. Even though none were now backed by Labour.
And what of Sunak’s own record? He had happily served in a corrupt government under Boris Johnson. The party he belongs to has been accused of covering up complaints of sexual assault by its own MPs. But hey! That’s just Rish! – a man who likes to do the right thing.
Sunak looked thrilled with himself. He imagined himself to be a macho competitor. But the public just saw him as what he is. Tetchy, thin-skinned and whiny. Anything but a statesman. Weirdly though, this was him at his best.
This is how Rish! wants to be seen in the run-up to the election. He knows he doesn’t have a record to defend. The economy is in recession. Debt is rising. There will be no miracle in next week’s budget. There is no substance to Sunak. So far better to fight imaginary culture wars. Tear down a world that doesn’t exist. Embrace the racism that dare not speak its name.
In the meantime, at future PMQs, Starmer may be better off engaging with reality.
