They’ve given up now haven’t they? They know they’ve only got a year or two left so they’re trashing the place. Next week Nadhim Zahawi will be fined for breaking into a van and nicking all the tools.
Then sending them to a lock-up garage in the Cayman Islands where it’s legal to sell knocked-off chisels because it’s outside international law.
Nadhim will say it was an honest mistake and everyone does it so you can all sod off.
Then it will emerge that Grant Shapps has been acting as a pimp in the doorway of the Department of Transport, pleading with passers-by: “Hey, come here, we give you good time. We got sexy civil servants.
“I give you nice office. This is why we can’t have talks with Mick Lynch, these rooms always busy, very popular.”
One Tory Lord this week wrote an article suggesting students should have to take a ‘tolerance test’ before they graduate – and if they prove they’re not ‘woke’, they get a discount on their university fees.
So they’ll come up with more ideas like this. Dominic Raab will propose you get 10% off your water bill if you’re sexually aroused by Suella Braverman. Jeremy Hunt will tell us that to combat woke culture, 30% of the marks for English literature degrees will be awarded for barbecuing a Walls pork sausage.
To address the shortage of beds in hospitals, all patients will be sent to Rwanda. The contract for providing morphine to the NHS will be awarded to James Cleverly’s furniture.
He’ll say: “This is an honest contract that will benefit the public, as my sideboard has already achieved astonishing results in providing saline drips and this morning my settee bought three packets of Lemsip from Boots.”
Rishi Sunak will announce that because the ‘woke brigade’ have bullied him about not wearing his seat belt, from now on he’ll fly round the House of Commons in his private jet.
MP Andrew Bridgen will be awarded a world record, for breaking 153 parliamentary rules in one morning, including the ban on big-game hunting in the House of Commons when he shoots a rhino and gets Jacob Rees-Mogg to film him stood over it during a debate on VAT reform.
What’s most impressive about all the incompetence and chaos, is it’s linked across every department of the establishment.
So we hear stories such as “it has emerged that the General Synod of the Church of England granted Boris Johnson permission to hold a sadomasochist evening in St Paul’s Cathedral.
“The Chief Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police provided handcuffs, then the Admiral of the Royal Navy lent Mr Johnson a Trident nuclear submarine, so he could threaten anyone who claimed he’d been there.
“And the Governor of the BBC gave him 50 quid in the afternoon, saying ‘go on, son, you enjoy yourself.”
We can only guess what will be left when this lot finally leave us alone.
