You may have already heard the one about the best joke at Edinburgh's Fringe Festival, but there are lots more here. And they might just inspire a day trip on the train from Newcastle, Durham or Northumberland before the festival ends on Monday, August 26.
Dave's Top 10 Funniest Jokes of the Fringe Festival 2019:
1. "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets." - Olaf Falafel.
When asked for his real name, the Swedish comedian once said: "My real name is Derek Chickpeas but I thought that sounded too silly." He likes his veg. Anyway, on with the list!
2. "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy." - Richard Stott
3. "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh." - Milton Jones
4. "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows' ." - Jake Lambert
5. "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it." - Ross Smith
6. "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning." - Ross Smith
7. "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it." - Adele Cliff
8. "After learning 6 hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging." - Richard Pulsford
9. "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian." - Mark Simmons
10. "I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts." - Ivo Graham
And here are 20 more random jokes from earlier years
We figure you can't have too many jokes!
1. “I’ve decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.” – Tim Vine
2. “I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.” – Masai Graham
3. “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson
4. “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.” – Bec Hill
5. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.” – Ria Lina
6. “Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F Taylor
7. “Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.” – Scott Capurro
8. “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole.” – Kevin Day
9. “I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.” – Jason Cook
10. “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” - Jack Whitehall
11. “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” – Felicity Ward
12. “I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it's less a term of affection, more an economic reality.” – Ed Gamble
13. “Leadership looks fun, but it's stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga.” – James Acaster
14. “I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
15. “My mate sat on my pumpkin. He butternut squashed it.” - Leo Kearse
16. “I had a friend call Iain. Two 'i's... to go with the face.” - John Kearns
17. “I'm lazy - my childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer.” - Mike Shephard
18. “This vodka is drunk by the rapper Sean Combs. P Diddy? Only when he drank a whole bottle.” - Ben McFarland and Tom Sandham
19. “I tried to Google endangered species. They were hard to find.” - Suns of Fred
20. “I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” - Tim Vine (a two-time winner of the award!)
