What’s been your most cringeworthy run-in with a celebrity?
I was maybe 21 and a new comedian. I went to the opening of the Sydney Fringe festival and Danny Bhoy was there. I was a big fan of Danny Bhoy and we got talking. There were some of those vintage 1980s tables where you can play Pac-Man and Space Invaders, so I said, “Hey, would you want to play a game of Space Invaders?” To his credit, he said, “Let’s do it.” So Danny’s playing and I’m expressing enthusiasm for his technique at Space Invaders. Eventually he dies, so it is my go. Danny Bhoy’s interest waned during my turn, as you might expect: he’s gone above and beyond here already. But I get to the end and see Danny is talking to a couple of women. I was 21 so I walked up to them and was like, “Danny, it’s your turn.” His face said, “Are you serious, mate?” And my face said, “Yes I am.” So I emotionally pressured him to go back and play again.
I still don’t know Danny. But last year I was on some lineup in Melbourne and he was there too, so I immediately told him this story about how we met 13 years ago. The point of the story was that I was 21 and an idiot and he was being lovely. But he went, “Oh sorry, man, I wasn’t trying to ignore you.”
He thinks I’m still mad about Space Invaders. I really hope he reads this and knows that I think that he was lovely. The joke is on me, not him.
You help to create tasks on Taskmaster. Has there ever been a task you’ve come up with that never aired?
I suppress those ones emotionally. You have to be able to say goodbye to the ones that don’t work. But I did do one in season one that was shot but didn’t air because it was too sexual.
It was a stitch-up task – we give a task to just one person, who thinks everyone’s doing it, but it’s just them. They’re often quite annoying or embarrassing tasks. We gave this one to Luke McGregor, who is a very awkward guy: he had 15 minutes to try to tickle me for the longest. So he read out the task and I ran away. He caught me and I was writhing around giggling on the floor while he’s touching me softly. But when we watched the footage we were like, “Wait, that’s not appropriate for television.” It’s very strange.
I legitimately could sell it online. I promise not to.
Has there been a Taskmaster task you’ve watched and secretly thought, “I could do that way better than them”?
All the time. During season two, there was a task where they had to do something with a root vegetable – I forget what it even was, but Lloyd Langford’s solution was to chuck it from one side of a very small shed, then run around and catch it on the other side. He tried it maybe 15 times. I was watching and thinking, “I would nail this way quicker.” But he eventually caught it, then turned to the camera and said, “I’d love to see the other contestants do that. I challenge them!” He happened to be the first, so we thought, “Alright, let’s get all the contestants to do it.”
That was one you’ve got to try once you see someone else doing it. During breaks, all of us on set, including the crew, were trying to chuck a parsnip over a shed. It can be incredibly jealousy-inducing, watching the tasks.
If you could change the size of any animal to keep as a pet, what would it be?
Some people’s instinct would be to take something very vicious and make it small and take away its viciousness. I think that is sick. I think that is a disgusting instinct for perverts. Who would want a little lion or tiger or bear in your pocket? Do you want to be God? Do you want to own the world? You’ve got a ridiculous relationship with power. You need to be in psychoanalysis until the day you die.
I want a dog the size of an ant. I grew up with a miniature schnauzer, so I want a miniature, miniature, miniature, miniature dog. When I go swimming, I have a little case for my earplugs and I’m going to keep it in that case, so I can put it in my pocket and we can go anywhere safely together.
When I first interviewed you, you said you are naturally “very annoying about rules”. When has that skill come in handy?
My first job was as a basketball referee as a teenager, so it was handy then. I was also a lawyer in my 20s. That’s just what law is, being annoying about rules. I also come from a board game family, and if you’re a person who has to explain the rules of a board game when no one’s listening … like, they all love it once the game’s going, but they can’t possibly sit there for two minutes and not talk?
What’s been your most memorable interaction with a fan?
There was a task in season two where the contestants had to say, “Hey, fun boy!” and chuck something at me and hope that I dropped it. I was in Edinburgh last year for the Fringe and after the show this guy threw a banana at me and shouted “Hey fun boy!” And I caught it! I did quite a cool catch, I’ll have you know. As soon as the cameras aren’t rolling, I am actually quite coordinated. That was memorable, in part because it was a fun joke but also because I fucking nailed it.
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
As a teenager I did long-distance running. I had a coach called Ron who would yell at me while I ran around a field. At the end of one session I’d said it had been very hard, and he replied, “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it”. All the way home in the car my dad was going, “What a great lesson from Ron. God, I love what Ron said”. I could really feel my father was trying to double down on this advice, which I guess did make me remember it. When something is hard, it is worth it if it’s in pursuit of something you want – which it turns out, athletics wasn’t. No offence to runners.
What is the weirdest thing you have done for love?
This was a mistake I made with my first girlfriend. I was about 15. I bought her a present but I wanted it have a trick element. I had a fake gift and a real gift – the idea was that there would be a bit of disappointment over the first gift, then elation when the second, real gift was discovered. The fake gift was some $2 earrings I got from a discount store. I don’t know anything about earrings, but presumably if they cost you $2, they are shit. And then under that, I bought her two Muse CDs – she really loved Muse. So she opens it and does a big thing about how lovely the earrings are and puts them on. I was going, “Oh no, she’s pretending she loves it. That’s just a joke!” I told her they were shit so she opened the CDs and went, “I have those already”. So now the thing she actually liked she knows was just a shit prank. I made it very hard for her to enjoy either present.
Who would you like to play you in the biopic about your life?
My instinct is to get the hottest, coolest guy, like Ryan Gosling. But does that bring too much attention to the gap between me and him? That would probably be the subject of criticism of the film. But then maybe in two generations people won’t even know who I was, so then you do want the hottest, coolest guy so they think you were just like that. So I will go Ryan Gosling.
Tell us your favourite fact.
Did you know there are three times as much as many germs on your dining room table as on your toilet seat?
I did not know that.
It’s because I’ve been sneaking into your house and shitting on your table.
Taskmaster Australia season 4 starts on 27 March on 10 and 10Play
