ETIHATE?
The Fiver is all about self-improvement and finds itself incapable of watching a football match without learning the now traditional “five things”. While we already knew that Manchester City and Liverpool were both quite good at football, Sunday’s ding-dong at least served to reinforce that view, even if Liverpool were uncharacteristically poor in the first half before getting what one assumes was a gegen-rocket up the collective backside from Jürgen Klopp at the break.
What we learned from one of the post-match interviews is that (1) Kevin De Bruyne knows Virgil van Dijk, (2) that the Manchester City midfielder sees Virgil a lot, (3) that his and Virgil’s children attend the same school and (4) like to play together which (5) provided the background for their “friendly chat” on the final whistle. These revelations that elite, gifted footballers aren’t actually kept cryogenically frozen in chambers only to be thawed out for training and matches appear to have come as a shock to many viewers, who had no idea that the existence of top athletes can be as mundane, if not more crushingly dull than those lived by the rest of us. Or that both men live in Cheshire, hence the pow-wows on the school run.
It also went some way towards explaining why Pep Guardiola went full Basil Fawlty – without a trace of irony or awareness – when Van Dijk clipped De Bruyne to bring him down with a technical foul that could not have been more ‘Fernandinho’ if it had a shaved head, was sporting a big 25 on its back and was dancing the samba through Londrina’s main drag. Despite his anger, Pep was all smiles after the game as he and his opposite number Jürgen Klopp wrapped each other in a warm and tight embrace.
With ne’er a flying pizza slice, an angry finger-wagging Irishman or a 22-man stramash involving a variety of fists and boots emerging from a cartoon cloud it has become abundantly clear that the rivalry between Liverpool and Manchester City is sadly lacking in the kind of sneering mutual contempt, childish needle and belligerent rancour that powers all the most entertaining feuds. Following a weekend in which Neil Warnock announced his retirement from management, perhaps one or both clubs could bring him in as an anger-management consultant to help generate some much-needed animosity.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Not fun, it really wasn’t fun. I made it, but that’s about it. I often went deep and had to fight often enough, but this was also a real fight”– Arjen Robben, now retired, didn’t exactly love his first marathon experience despite the 38-year-old’s very decent time of three hours, 13 minutes and 40 seconds.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around Football Weekly! And while we’re at it – Max, Barry and the pod squad are going back out on tour. Tickets to live shows in June and July are available here so get buying.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
The Fiver has a new sister email, folks! It’s a weekly roundup of the wonderful world of women’s football called Moving the Goalposts. You don’t need to be told that it’s smarter and wittier than us – so sign up here. The first edition has already been sent whistling into inboxes but you can get a taste here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Can I be one of the 1,057 people to point out that the kid with the broken phone has suffered enough without having to go to Old Trafford to watch a further 90 mins of that dross?” – Martin Fisher.
“Having read Max Rushden’s article about the W---- C-- in Qatar, my response is: it’s a travesty and non-event. Ignore it. Don’t bother covering it. I say this even though I’m 81 years old and may not last to 2026” – Dale Chase.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Martin Fisher.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Chelsea meet Real Madrid on Tuesday, 3-1 down from the first leg of their Big Cup quarter-final tie and in grave danger of surrendering the trophy they won last year. “We need nothing else than a fantastic script if we want to be able to overcome this,” Tommy Tactics chin-stroked.
Irate at his team’s latest cowardly capitulation, Cristiano Ronaldo appeared to knock a phone out of a young fan’s hand when leaving the pitch at Goodison Park on Saturday. Police are appealing for witnesses but might want to check the videos on various social media disgraces first.
Christian Eriksen continued his uplifting, affirming return to full fitness, inspiring Brentford to a comfortable win over an exhausted West Ham.
Just when you thought they were out, they pull themselves back in. Norwich aren’t down quite yet, with their victory over Burnley giving them a chance of staying up while delivering a telling blow to their opponents.
Dewsbury-Hall may sound like Rishi Sunak’s holiday home, but was actually Leicester’s matchwinner against Palace, with Kiernan scoring his first Premier League goal.
Atlético Madrid have been hit with a partial stadium closure for Wednesday’s Big Cup quarter-final second leg against Manchester City after supporters of the Spanish side were caught on camera appearing to perform Nazi salutes at the Etihad.
Julian Nagelsmann has promised an improved Bayern performance in their Big Cup quarter-final second leg at home to Villarreal, who lead the tie 1-0. “We played a bad game and they played their best game,” Nagelsmann swaggered. “This will not happen again.”
England women play Northern Ireland in a World Cup qualifier on Tuesday, and Lionesses skip Leah Williamson is a tad worried.
And congratulations to Donny van de Beek, who now has a daughter with partner Estelle Bergkamp, daughter of Dennis.
STILL WANT MORE?
Napoli’s chase for the Scudetto took a hit this weekend, as they were beaten at home by Fiorentina. Nicky Bandini has gets all up in the grill of Serie A.
This may come as a surprise to anyone who watched him at Arsenal, but Mattéo Guendouzi is actually good at football and has found a soulmate in Jorge Sampaoli, his manager at Marseille. Adam White shares some thoughts on their relationship and the rest of the Ligue 1.
In a sold-out Olympiastadion, Union reminded Hertha who bosses Berlin. Here’s Andy Brassell with all the Bundesliga latest.
You may have heard that Manchester City played Liverpool yesterday. Here’s David Hytner’s match report, here’s Barney Ronay on Trent Alexander-Arnold and here’s Jonathan Wilson on City’s pursuit of perfection.
There were, apparently, some other games played too. Our writers share 10 reflections on them.
“Complex but cool” – yes, the world’s favourite tea-timely email, but also Erik ten Hag. Bart Vliestra has more.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
