Ethan, 63
All my muscles are spastic, so moving is difficult and takes a lot of energy – so we don’t do anything too active
I can still feel the sense of happiness I felt when Helen and I kissed two years ago. At that time, I hadn’t been kissed like that in about 15 years. I have reduced mobility issues after a life-changing spinal trauma. My injury is in my neck, so everything below that level has been affected to a certain degree. I was married when the trauma happened, but after my return from hospital, my ex refused to countenance any sexual relationship between us. It was devastating. It is horrible to lose that physical intimacy and satisfaction. I still had those desires and wishes, so it felt as if I had a carer rather than a lover. My self-esteem suffered for many years.
To have an emotional and physical relationship with Helen is just wonderful. The physical side of what was once a friendship came out of the blue for both of us. We could both sense a very strong desire to be wanted and touched. We understood we weren’t just going to jump into bed; we knew we would have to take things slowly. We had very low expectations, and were amazed to find out what we could do to have fun.
There’s a lot of foreplay. I don’t move particularly well (all of my muscles are spastic, so moving around is difficult and takes up quite a lot of energy) and we don’t do anything too active. We’re slower and more relaxed, but that means there’s more focus, and more care put into finding out what works and what doesn’t.
There are still limitations – I have difficulty getting an erection. I hope to achieve penetrative sex with the use of a vacuum pump, but it’s not the most romantic thing in the world. Losing that ability felt as if I’d lost a sense of my masculinity, but then to find ways around that has been lovely. This condition doesn’t prevent me from giving Helen pleasure, which is very empowering. Our favourite is oral sex as it’s a lot of fun – and manageable. I even found some new areas on my body which are now super sensitive, like my nipples. It’s quite wonderful because they never used to be. That’s how your body changes with nerve damage – you feel some things more and others less.
Since being with Helen, my whole being feels so much better; I am so much happier. It can be totally overwhelming to have a life-changing disability and many people believe that life stops, but it doesn’t have to.
Helen, 66
You’ve got to have a good imagination to have a good, sexy relationship. Even talking about something we can’t do physically can be arousing
Before Ethan, I had been on my own for about a decade and had become a self-contained person. After my marriage, I lost trust and never entertained the thought of being with someone else.
My relationship with Ethan evolved naturally: he was really in need of affection, and I wanted to respond. I remember one day looking at myself in the mirror and saying: “You’re in love.” I felt completely safe with and trusting of him, and that forms the basis of our sexual relationship.
I think he was far more worried than I was at the start because he knew his limitations. But we manage and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. From my point of view, I am more than happy with the way things are; I’m receiving pleasure all the time. A lot of our enjoyment simply comes from cuddling and talking to each other, like pillow talk. You’ve got to have a good imagination to have a good sexy relationship. There are times when we talk about something that may be more than we would be able to do physically, but talking about it can be quite arousing as well.
We normally have sex once a week. Because of physical limitations, our modus operandi is oral sex. It gives great pleasure to both of us. It’s just magic. We’ve got a nice big bed upstairs, which has a high mattress. Ethan will come to the edge of the bed on his walker, and I will lie back with my legs around his neck. Or he’ll lie on his back and I’ll give him oral sex. We’ve also perfected the 69.
We’re always learning something new – Ethan’s nerve pathways are different from anybody without a spinal injury. His nipples are probably his biggest erogenous zone, which we learned from me just touching him and kissing him there. It’s now a huge turn on for him.
We can’t run around and hang from the chandelier, but I’ve got a drawer full of sex toys. I just want to give and receive pleasure, which I do. Ethan does have a very complex condition, and that has repercussions. It may be that one day I end up being more of a carer, but that side of it doesn’t bother me. I have an in-built desire for him, and we’ve got this bedrock of being utterly happy with each other.
