Michaela, 44
Life is hard, and if you don’t have good sex you could be married to anybody really
Adam and I have always had sex quite frequently – a few times a week, though that’s changed since the baby. When we met eight years ago, it was every time we saw each other. I said to Adam early on: I will never judge you and I’ll try anything once. I trust him and feel safe with him.
With my first husband, sex was monotonous, and if I didn’t push for it, it wouldn’t happen. Life is hard, and if you don’t have good sex you could be married to anybody really.
When we began trying for a baby in 2019, sex was still really exciting. But we tried for two years, and I couldn’t hold on to a pregnancy. It was so hard. I thought: what are we doing wrong? It was week after week of appointments, failures and miscarriages.
During this period, sex felt very mechanical and forced. Doctors wanted us to have timed intercourse, so it was all very to the day, to the hour. There was a lot of pressure, and it became isolating for both of us. It was not a sexy time, and the stress didn’t bring out the best in either of us.
We tried to regain sex for pleasure. Throughout our relationship we’ve always talked about sex, and told each other fantasies and what we like. Almost a year into IVF we worked on that side of us again, and began sending each other porn videos we’d been watching separately, which got us really charged up. It felt like we were dating again.
When we got pregnant, we consciously went three months without sex because we were so terrified about losing the baby. We took it week by week, and I tried to stay positive. We would still kiss and touch, and did anal once. By the 20-week mark we could breathe again.
I don’t mind scheduling sex now – that’s just what we have to do now we have a 10-month-old. We probably have sex about once a week and, after eight years together, it feels hotter now. We’re parents all of the time, so those moments when we steal away while the baby is sleeping are just for us. We are focusing only on each other, our phones are switched off and the time is our own.
Adam, 40
The first phase of our relationship was really exciting; we’d have sex every time we got together – in the living room, on the couch, not in the bedroom
Michaela and I met on Tinder and I remember the conversation just flowed; I found it really easy to confide in her. I think I still have problems verbalising what I want, what’s working or not. But she’s made me very comfortable, especially with bringing up what I’ve wanted to try in sex, like toys. It’s been a fun journey.
Over eight years our sexual relationship has definitely changed. The first phase was really exciting: every time we got together, we had sex – in the living room, on the couch, not in the bedroom. It’s different when it’s not in bed; I think the bedroom makes you feel more sleepy.
Right now, we’re probably in “married sex” mode, which for us means going down to once a week.
We have a 10-month-old, so our priorities have shifted. We have to plan sex more, which really just involves making time to fit it in. Some people might not find that exciting, but I do. We’ll start by watching a video together as we both enjoy watching porn, and engage in foreplay, as I really enjoy performing oral sex. Then it might be me getting on top for a while, or her, and then we’ll find a more acrobatic position.
We were trying for a baby for two years, and that was hard. There was a lot pressure on sex and intimacy. When we did conceive, we stopped having sex for her first trimester. We just didn’t want to take any chances. We still kept it active, though: we’d send links to spicy videos. We’d do anal occasionally; sometimes we’d just have a mutual masturbation session.
Having a baby hasn’t affected our sex lives too much. When he was born, we put him in his room and did shifts sleeping there so we kept our bedroom as ours. If you’re not having sex, you’re just roommates with shared responsibilities.
How do you do it? Share the story of your sex life, anonymously
