Jay, 36
We’ve got these mini sessions down to a fine art and pride ourselves on delivering super-quick orgasms
Anita and I see sex as one of our hobbies. We like to plan ahead so we can devote time to it. Perhaps that doesn’t sound very romantic – people have this expectation that sex should be entirely spontaneous, or that you should put music on before you do it, like they do in the movies, and seduce your partner. But sex won’t stay good just because you love each other: you have to put effort into it.
Often Anita and I will get out our schedules and say, “OK, we don’t have anything on next Saturday – that’s time for sex.” During the week, we’ll top ourselves up with mini sex sessions, only about five minutes each time. Typically for the first two minutes I’ll give Anita head, then the final three will be devoted to penetrative sex. We’ve got these mini sessions down to a fine art and pride ourselves on delivering super-quick orgasms.
But if we have more than an hour to play with, we’ll plan something fancy. I’ll buy a sex toy for us to try out, for example. We’re into light bondage and are building up a nice little collection of floggers. What I love most about Anita is her intellectual curiosity. Every couple of months we’ll try something new, so we always have different flavours and specialities going on.
For the past couple of years we’ve been swinging. Many messages go back and forth, and you have to book in a time convenient for the other couple. At first we just watched other couples having sex or let them watch us, but now we perform oral sex on and touch other people. Soon we plan to go all the way and engage in full sex with another couple.
What I like about swinging is I get the highs and lows of dating, but I’m not alone. Recently we met up with a couple at a bar, and when Anita and I suggested going back to ours, they said no. We’d video-chatted the week before, and Anita and I had thought we were all really hitting it off, so it was a surprise. We looked at each other, like: were we just rejected? Walking home alone after a rejection is miserable, but walking home with the woman you love, talking about it, is quite fun.
Anita, 30
Jay is careful and considerate about all things, especially sex
I have always liked men with beards. I love the furry feeling on your lips when you kiss them, and I also think a beard is a sign of gentleness. I was immediately drawn to that quality in Jay. We had connected on Tinder and it was meant to be a casual hookup, but I realised that what was happening between us was out of the ordinary.
Jay asked me a very specific question about the niche form of linguistics I was studying – the type of question no Tinder date had ever asked me – and I felt this strange shock, almost like recognition. I looked at him and thought: “Oh! It’s you!”I remember the first time he kissed me, on a date on a ferry in Amsterdam. He pressed very lightly on my back, before our lips met, as though to ask my permission.
Jay is careful and considerate about all things, especially sex. Before we ever went to bed together he asked me if there was anything he should know or shouldn’t do. Before I’d met him, I’d had a bad experience – an ex-partner started to have sex with me while I was asleep – and Jay has helped restore my trust. Now, six years into our relationship, I can do the things I’ve always wanted to in bed. One of those things is swinging. Jay and I talked a lot about our dream sexual experiences, and two years ago we felt ready to visit a sex club.
You’d be surprised by what a cosy space a sex club can be. People wear slippers, and you just wander around, exploring. The first club had the things you might expect: peepholes, private rooms and saunas. But it also had a bar with great barbecued food. We got talking to another couple; they were slightly older and more experienced than us. We went into a private room all together. We didn’t touch the other couple but we had sex next to them.
Since then, we’ve had three more sex dates with different couples. Jay and I allow ourselves to touch the other couple now, and we’re working up to penetrative sex, or a “full swap”, as they call it in the swinging world.
Before I started swinging I was worried I’d feel jealous. But Jay is so caring with me, that hasn’t been a problem. It has brought us closer together. It’s this secret exciting thing we have in common.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life? Email sexlives@theguardian.com with a brief outline of what you get up to in the bedroom
