Nelly, 23
When I finish with people, I put their contacts in a graveyard section at the end of my phone, and rename them mean things
Samuel is the type of person who is all over the place, all the time. He’ll tell me an insane amount of detail about this obscure thing I know nothing about, like the entire Pokémon universe. He is a bird nerd, which is unexpected for a guy with tattoos and piercings. His charming messiness comes to the fore when it comes to dealing with his exes.
He never deletes screenshots or chats with old lovers, and a lot of his exes remain connected to his life. The other day I found a text from an old fling on his phone and it upset me. When I finish with people, I put their contacts in a graveyard section at the end of my phone, and rename them mean things.
Samuel has slept with twice the number of people I have. While he was having a sexually liberated time, my experiences of casual sex were not emotionally fulfilling, or even fun. I think that’s a byproduct of being a woman: I was dating some mean guys.
At the start of our relationship, my only insecurity was if I was exciting enough as a sexual partner. I’ve tried not to let my feelings about his former lovers spill over into sex. I do sometimes worry that images of his old flames, who I’ve stalked on Instagram, will pop into my head.
When we’re having sex, I feel very emotionally connected to Samuel, and that helps me banish thoughts of his past partners. He’s very good at creating intense physical intimacy, often pressing his face to mine. We have developed a sexual dynamic that is distinctly our own. When we’re having sex we talk about what we want the whole time. He has reassured me that I’m one of the more sexually open people he’s slept with.
We’ve only been together for 10 months, so I’m hoping I’ll feel more secure as the relationship progresses. For Samuel it wasn’t a big deal to share details about his sexual past but it was tricky finding the courage to tell him I hated hearing it. I was worried he’d think I was being possessive. I’m realising jealousy is probably a natural feeling, but I do need to curb my habit of stalking his exes on Instagram.
Callout
Samuel, 26
The sex I have with Nelly is incredibly connected and deep. She has nothing to worry about
Nelly and I live in the same city, 45 minutes apart, and have sex around three times a week. When we started dating we were more delicate with each other in bed. Now we can be quite rough. That’s because Nelly has grown to trust me more.
Early in our relationship, I told Nelly about the friends of friends I had slept with. I wish I hadn’t done that. They are people we see at parties, which really upsets her. Nelly felt her sexual experiences before me were not great, whereas I’d always spoken highly of my previous experiences. We were not a couple at the time and she felt threatened that I could sleep with them again. I only had eyes for Nelly, but she began comparing herself with the other women.
Recently, Nelly discovered a text from my ex. She had been innocently looking for something on my phone and it popped up. It was a message from this woman saying that she missed me, sent three months ago. I replied, saying I missed her too. I only responded because I was in a nostalgic mood. I saw the whole incident as harmless, but I realise now how wrong that was. Nelly and I have talked about the fact that I need to draw a clearer boundary between me and my exes, and not be in constant contact with them – and I do agree.
One element that worries Nelly is that before I met her I’d been sleeping around and enjoying casual sex. She worried that her presence in my life had stopped me from exploring, but that’s not true. Before I met Nelly, I had made a conscious effort to find a long-term relationship. The sex I have with Nelly is incredibly connected and deep. She has nothing to worry about. The moments in which she expresses insecurities are totally reasonable reactions to the situation at hand, and I am always happy to comfort her.
