Liam, 57
Something inside of me has gone. The sexual intimacy of our relationship has been removed.
Before I got dementia, our sex life was very fulfilling, trusting and loving. We weren’t swinging from the chandeliers, but we were certainly progressive and liked using toys.
We felt sexual and emotional chemistry straight away and used to have sex a few times a week: anytime from evenings to mornings to Sunday lunchtime – whatever took our fancy. We would give each other the look, or a certain rub, in a very consensual and trusting way.
The sexual side has crashed and burned since my diagnosis four years ago, which is very sad. There was a significant change in me within days. And I don’t know if it’s my dementia or my age, but something inside of me has gone. The sexual intimacy of our relationship has been removed.
Sometimes I try to replace the penetrative part with toys or touching Anita but, truth be known, it doesn’t do anything for me, other than the fact that I love to pleasure my wife. As far as stimulation for me, there’s nothing there. I don’t get excited about things in that way. It’s not that I’m impotent, it’s just that the want and need is not there. It’s so upsetting when I think about it.
We have talked about Viagra to help with the loss of libido, but I’m a little bit scared of that because we were very sexually passionate before the dementia, so I wouldn’t want to have penetrative sex now without feeling sexually interested. I don’t want to disappoint Anita.
Don’t get me wrong, there is still so much attraction between us, and the touchy-feely side is absolutely there. We are still very tactile and loving. You won’t catch us not holding hands or cuddling.
Though I miss the sex life we had before, I get a lot of pleasure from just being with Anita, from holding her. That sense of touch is very important to me, but so is just being together physically. She is my shadow, and hopefully she thinks I’m hers, too. That level of love we have is more important to me than the sexual side that has gone.
Callout
Anita, 55
The sex side of our relationship is nonexistent now. But what I love more is affection and romance
We met on a dating app more than 10 years ago and I totally fell for him. The love between us has always been amazing, and the sex was spontaneous. We’d go out, have a few drinks, come home, kiss and cuddle and one thing would lead to another. It was fabulous.
The sex side is nonexistent now. But what I love more is affection and romance. And I’m so grateful that one of the things that Liam has never forgotten is affection.
One Christmas – I’m not sure if Liam remembers now – he bought me a lamp in the shape of a rabbit. I said, why have you bought me this? He told me to just open the next present, and it was a rampant rabbit dildo. We always laughed about that.
Liam was diagnosed with dementia four years ago. But every day without fail he tells me he loves me. When we go to bed we give each other a kiss and a cuddle, and he often wants to massage me. I can’t complain: he’ll do it for hours.
Sex is not important for me now, and even if it was, I wouldn’t put pressure on him. We do try to have sex occasionally, perhaps every few weeks. I will always have to initiate it, and it is normally him using his fingers. I just want him to feel he can try. I know he gets upset about the loss of that side of our relationship.
I’ve always said to him, as long as we’re holding hands, the sexual side is not important. Still to this day I look at my husband and think, God, he’s absolutely gorgeous.
It is hard, though. If I feel a bit low, Liam senses it. He’ll give me a cuddle and hold me tight. And within five or 10 minutes, he’ll forget what has happened. He then thinks I’m upset with him, so I’ll tell him again that there’s nothing wrong – I just woke up feeling a bit low. Then he’ll give me a big, warm hug again.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?
