Grace, 35
When she has an orgasm, it’s a gateway to other orgasms
Agata is meticulous about everything we do together. If we’re having supper, she will lay out a tablecloth, light candles, and insist on turning off the TV. She is equally exacting about our sex life. We have been together for nearly a year, but Agata will not tolerate half-hearted sex. She believes in putting lots of effort into everyday activities to make life beautiful, which I find inspiring, if a little daunting. She also believes in honest feedback. One month into our romance, she suggested my underwear drawer was due a refresh. The day after that I threw all my pants in the bin.
In bed, Agata is similarly direct, which I find extremely seductive. She regularly suggests new toys and positions for us to try together, which I like – because it keeps me on my toes. She has no qualms about asking for what she wants, and will often wake me up for sex rather earlier than I would like in the morning. We don’t live together yet, so it still feels exciting to have a sleepover, but I’ve established ground rules to protect my sleep. On the weekends, she is not allowed to disturb me before 9.30am.
One of the many great things about lesbian sex is that an orgasm isn’t necessarily an end-point, so if neither of us has to be anywhere, we will have sex for several hours. When Agata has an orgasm it’s a kind of gateway to other orgasms. There is no limit.
With previous girlfriends, I have felt almost embarrassed about how much I desired them. I have a history of dating women who are either unavailable to me, or just experimenting with being gay. Falling in love with Agata has been liberating, in that respect. I’ve never met someone this open and shame-free about their own desires, and it’s infectious.
I remember the first time we had sex, I took myself out to a greasy spoon for breakfast in the morning, after she left my bed. I’d been a vegan for three years but I sat in the sun and ate two bacon sandwiches in a row. It felt like something had shifted. The bacon was a weird sort of consecration.
She is the queen of sex and I enjoy scurrying around like a serf trying to meet her needs.
Agata, 30
My mind never wanders during sex. I prepare the bedroom in advance to ensure minimal distraction
Grace is a very open person: if I try out a new character or move during sex, I never worry that she will be shocked, or laugh at me. I’m quite playful. When you’re an adult with a difficult job and responsibilities, there’s no place for play: the bedroom is that place for me, because lesbian sex is so imaginative. Everybody knows what heterosexual sex is meant to look like. But when I first slept with a woman, in my early 20s, I had no image in my head of what the sex was meant to entail. Sex became this private, creative experience that I could make up for myself, as I went along.
I generally play the more submissive role in bed, but that’s not fixed, and can change in the course of a single sex session. I like us to switch things up so neither of us gets complacent. The element of surprise is important: I will often secretly buy new lingerie and dress up for Grace, and I expect her to do the same for me. The last thing I bought was a pair of bunny ears. We talk to each other a lot in bed and do roleplays, for example sometimes I pretend to be an animal.
I’m a perfectionist: I like to give 150%.
In life, my perfectionism is occasionally debilitating, but in bed, I think of it as a strength. I’m always thinking: what can I do next to make Grace feel good? What can I try that I’ve never tried before?
My mind never wanders during sex, and while that’s not necessarily an act of will, I do believe in preparing the bedroom in advance, to ensure a minimal distraction. We both have stark, white-walled rooms, which I like, because the focus remains on the bed. I don’t like dirty, outside clothes to touch the bedclothes and I am also violently anti-tracksuit: I don’t want to see Grace in her loungewear and I certainly don’t want her to see me in mine. Equally: we never go to the toilet in front of each other. Peeing in front of your lover is the end of romance.
I do think Grace is slightly addicted to her vibrator. Usually, though, she is just as exploratory and passionate about sex as I am. She tolerates my perfectionism, and lets me get away with criticising her lingerie drawer. I feel able to show her all sides of myself. Luckily for me, she seems to like the strange, mad bits the best.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life? Email sexlives@theguardian.com with a few words about what you get up to in the bedroom
