Caleb, 62
Jen had been widowed, and was lonely at the time. We connected immediately
As a teenager and in my early 20s I was “involuntarily celibate”. I didn’t blame women; I just wished that I could be tall, dark and handsome. I’m 5ft 6in and slight, and I’ve never felt I am physically attractive.
I lost my virginity at 24, with a woman who started out as a good friend. That became a pattern for me: all my relationships have been with female friends who fell in love with me – I felt – for my personality, not my appearance. I felt a deep emotional connection to my ex-girlfriends, but I didn’t feel intense lust. I was just so relieved to be wanted that I plunged into relationships where there was little erotic spark. Before I met Jenny, I had never felt intense physical attraction to a woman who was physically attracted to me in return.
I met Jenny in a coffee shop 18 months ago and felt immediately drawn to her; she is very delicate and petite, but what really struck me was her kindness and warmth. She had been widowed, and was lonely at the time. We connected immediately, but I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to be the lover she was looking for. Now that I’m in my 60s, I sometimes have trouble achieving an erection.
Knowing my physical limitations, I bought a book on tantra, and suggested we reject the normal sexual agenda. Instead, we do a lot of very tender kissing, caressing and stroking. Erections are not necessary. There is a real overlap between mindfulness and this form of love making.
Even though I didn’t feel strongly physically attracted to my ex-partners, I was always the main initiator of sex. For me, sex has always been an important way of communicating love, so the fact that my partners rarely took the initiative was hurtful. But with Jenny, neither of us ever has to explicitly suggest sex. We both instinctively head to the bedroom when we can. Because of my history, I still find it very hard to believe that Jenny finds me handsome and attractive – although she tells me she does. But after nearly two years together, my confidence is growing.
Callout
Jenny, 68
Caleb is more active and I am more passive. His job is to delight in me and my job is to delight in being delighted in
Caleb finds it difficult to believe that he is sexually desirable but I think he is lovely looking. He has the most amazing, soft skin and this wonderfully alert, alive face. I like his slightness. I’m small too, and we fit together in bed very nicely. When I first met Caleb he had a beard, which I wasn’t very keen on because it made it difficult to kiss him. After about a month of dating I asked him to shave. When the beard came off, a beautiful man was revealed.
I was bereaved when I met Caleb and had gone through many difficult years caring for my late husband. My friends kept suggesting that I get a pet to help with my loneliness. The suggestion was that I was too old to miss sex. It was assumed that all I was capable of missing was companionship. But I wasn’t interested in getting a pet. I wanted a lover.
Neither of us finds it as easy to orgasm as we used to, with or without a partner. But Caleb read a book about tantra and we are exploring that together. Orgasms do very occasionally happen but they are almost incidental. We really concentrate on one another’s bodies, without heading for a “destination”. Normally Caleb is more active and I am more passive – his job is to delight in me and my job is to delight in being delighted in. He slowly caresses all parts of my body.
For my generation, it is seen as rather unseemly for a woman to care about sex. As a widow I felt this even more acutely. I used to think, “Oh dear, who do I think I am, wanting sex at my advanced age!” When I looked in the mirror I saw an old lady. But the obvious enjoyment Caleb takes in my body has allowed me to let go of all that. We may not have orgasms, but Caleb is certainly not quiet in bed. His Harry is much noisier than my Sally.
