Elle, 58
After being in long-term relationships from an early age, I’d had a lot of vanilla sex
I’ve been single for about 18 years, since my daughter was four. Back then I made a conscious decision that I needed to concentrate on her. I had friends with benefits, but I only started on dating apps after she turned 16.
I realised I didn’t want to be with someone unless they were adding something to my life. I wrote in my dating profile: “I’m not here to be your mother. I need someone who’s got their shit sorted, and I want a mutually satisfying sex life.”
When Jay and I started talking, we just opened up, had intelligent conversations and were able to have a laugh. I felt instantly comfortable with him. Our first date was at a coffee shop on a Saturday. We went home together and he didn’t leave mine until the Monday. That first night we chatted openly in a pillow-talk kind of way.
After being in long-term relationships from an early age, I’d had a lot of vanilla sex. But there were things I’d dabbled in with previous partners, such as eye masks and light bondage, that I really liked. I found them a turn-on because I could switch off from being a single mother who worked full-time.
Jay and I discussed this after we got together, and over the past nine months we’ve tried and tested many things, like dressing up, role playing, and bondage, as well as eye masks and spanking. We bought props, such as a cane. But after a while we went back to basics – just missionary, and that’s really satisfying. We enjoy looking at each other and kissing while we’re doing it. Eye contact is key. We pick up a lot from each other’s facial expressions and noises.
Sex is key to our relationship – it’s not the be-all and end-all, but we do make time for it, partly because we don’t live together. We see each other most weekends and we have quite a bit of time in bed; we often have sex a few times a day.
I just love making love and I think my menopause has actually increased my sex drive. I’ve found more confidence as a sexual being. It’s a case of, I enjoy sex, why shouldn’t I be doing it?
Callout
Jay, 56
I wanted intimacy, closeness and good sex
I was in a marriage for 20 years, and the last five were not intimate. When I was single again last year, I went on a dating app and when I matched with Elle, it was special from the start. We went full speed – our first date lasted two days. One thing we did before we met was discuss sex. We found it was a key ingredient to any successful relationship. I wanted intimacy, closeness and good sex.
We are in our 50s now and I never thought I’d have a sex life like I’m experiencing with Elle. I have a high sex drive and as I’m from a traditional Asian background – my parents were immigrants – dating wasn’t something I could do openly when I was younger. Perhaps because when I was growing up I associated sex with naughtiness, I developed a fetish for spanking. So Elle and I explored that together.
We then moved on to things like shibari – a form of Japanese rope bondage. We spent hours learning how to tie the knots and it was really enjoyable. Although we haven’t been back to it for a while, we still have the gear in case we want to.
After trying all this, we both realised that the best sex for us is less experimental; 99% of the time our main position is now missionary, because we like to look at each other. That’s where we find connection. If I stay at Elle’s at the weekend, I’ll arrive on Friday and as soon as she’s finished work we’ll head to the bedroom. One of the things Elle likes me to do – and I enjoy doing to her – is shaving her pubic hair. Then we’ll make love, enjoy the rest of the evening, cook a meal and then head back to the bedroom.
The sex we’re having now is better than it ever was. We seem to have struck a connection, so when we make love we go out of our way to really please each other.
