Susan, 43
Role play is a form of escapism. I leave my ‘mum’ identity at the bedroom door
Thomas and I like to schedule sex. We both have young children from previous marriages, so we have to squeeze in our dates around custody arrangements. We only get to spend three or four child-free days together a month, and every hour is meticulously mapped out in advance: we allocate time for workouts, time outdoors and for lazy mornings in bed. It can be frustrating squeezing an entire relationship into an occasional weekend together, but we try to make a game out of it. Done right, sitting down with your lover and his Google Calendar can be a form of foreplay. We’ve just planned a trip to the countryside and spent most of the diary session blocking out time for alfresco sex.
We have been together for two years but most of that time has been spent apart. A lot of our relationship is conducted via email. Communicating in that way can be surprisingly intimate. Writing makes it easier to say uncomfortable things. We will often dissect an argument we’ve had in person afterwards over email, and make up that way. We also write out specific sexual fantasies that we might be too shy to voice in person.
I often email Thomas with role play ideas for us to act out together. They’re usually absurd: I’ll play a rockstar and he’ll play a hotel porter, for example. Last time I played a plumber, and he played a sexy bank manager with a leak. Sometimes five minutes into the actual sex we’ll break character and slip back into our normal selves. But it’s a form of escapism to begin by pretending to be someone else. I feel as if I leave my “mum” identity at the bedroom door.
Sometimes Thomas and I will be gearing up for sex and one of our kids will phone with a problem. It’s helpful that Thomas is a parent too, because he understands how conflicting it can be to want to be there for your child, and also crave time for yourself. It’s hard to snap back into plumber-persona after speaking to your crying nine-year-old. If either of us gets a call like that, there are no hurt feelings if sex is off the menu. All elaborate role plays are automatically rescheduled.
Thomas, 44
Silliness is an undervalued ingredient of good sex
I’m not a terribly impulsive person. Some people enjoy the element of surprise, but I find surprises stressful. I have always loved the anticipation of counting down the days before a big holiday, or a treat, and I am similarly thrilled by the process of counting down the days before I plan to have sex. Susan and I schedule sex but we go further than that. We actually sit down and start to brainstorm what a particular session will look like, weeks in advance. How long will it go on for? What new tricks will we try? It’s all pre-planned.
We have different childcare schedules, so our days together are constantly shifting. If we only have a Tuesday night to play with, the sex we schedule will be very simple. I’ll give Susan a massage and then we will have penetrative sex. But if there’s a whole weekend in the diary, we’ll do a role play. Sometimes we even prepare props. We recently did a scenario where I played a vicar and Susan was a horny parishioner. Susan crafted me a clerical collar out of a strip of old T-shirt and a bit of foam.
I’ve been sexually experimental with previous partners, but sex with Susan is a lot more fun than anything I have previously experienced. Partly that’s down to the fact that we have the same sense of humour. Frequently, right in the middle of a role play, we’ll both crack up and have to stop. The time we spend in bed is erotic but it’s also about being silly together. Silliness is an undervalued ingredient of good sex.
We don’t have any plans to share a home and become a blended family. In fact we actively plan not to. If Susan wasn’t a parent, I think she would feel neglected by me, but she shares my belief that our children are the first priority. We don’t want to make our kids feel sidelined by dragging them along to our dates. When Susan and I are together, we give one another our undivided attention, but that kind of intense focus on a romantic partner is not sustainable if you have children. For the time being, a few days a month together is enough. It also gives us adequate time apart to craft new props.
Would you and your partner like to share the story, anonymously, of your sex life?
