The excitement is over. Now we have a stable government at last. You can tell because there’s only been one minister resigning in disgrace this week.
This time, it was Gavin Williamson who tried to hang on as all he did was tell people to “slit their throats”.
He has now had to resign under three different Prime Ministers. Soon, we might go a whole 10 days, until Suella Braverman resigns after footage emerges of her organising an illegal dog fighting weekend. She’ll issue a statement, saying: “This took place entirely in my spare time and I’ve already apologised for breeding a ferocious Rottweiler that mauled 150 people in Maidstone.”
Two weeks later, Grant Shapps will come under fire for running a crystal meth lab in the Department of Energy. He’ll tell us he didn’t actually break the rules because there is no specific mention of crack production in the MPs’ handbook. He accepts he may have stretched “the spirit of the guidelines” but now we should just forget it and move on.
Then it will stay quiet until Christmas, when it will be revealed James Cleverly has regular snooker nights with Russian President, Vladimir Putin.
Cleverly lost a bet on one match, after missing an easy blue into the centre pocket, so he had to give Putin the codes for all the Trident nuclear missiles.
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Sunak will say: “He has apologised for his error so let’s draw a line under it.”
But anyway, back to Williamson. His defenders this week assured us that it was just the rough-and-tumble of politics. If he’d stayed, we’d have probably found out he persuaded one MP to back the government by borrowing a helicopter and strafing his aunt while she was on the way to Homebase.
“This is all just part of the robust debate that takes place in politics,” he’d have said.
Williamson didn’t even have a job, he was Minister Without Portfolio – presumably because in any efficient government, you need someone to mop up the awkward jobs, such as telling people to slit their throats.
He should carry on like this. He can now get a job as a train driver and be sacked for making an announcement that “we are being held at a red signal, and if anyone complains I’ll shove two snooker balls in a sock and cave your head in with them so SHUT IT”.
Williamson previously complained that MPs who weren’t liked by Liz Truss didn’t get a ticket to the Queen’s funeral. This is touching, as the one principle we could be sure of with this government was their dedication to Her Majesty.
And what better way to show appreciation for our beloved monarch than scrambling to go to her funeral like it’s an Adele concert?
I expect some MPs boasted : “I’ve got a VIP wristband so I can touch the coffin and get drinks brought to us during the lone bagpiper. I’m SO excited.”
Williamson proudly has a pet tarantula which he kept on his desk. Sunak’s best option is to make the spider the next Home Secretary.
