Yoko is coming to town
It’s good to be in an era in which, rather than just being shorthand for ‘girl who broke up the band’, the name Yoko Ono is now associated with groundbreaking, influential performance art. Tate Modern’s major retrospective of her work, which opens in February, will be unmissable.
Behold the 'broissant'
You’ll eat a broissant, which is a brioche/ croissant hybrid (not a manly crossiant) available at the Landmark hotel.
The future is coming
APPLE’S VISION PRO: Will this just-launched foray into spatial computing justify all the hype and pull off what Google Glass could not?
HUMANE’S AI PIN: Attaches to a lapel, makes your hand a keypad, does smartphone stuff. Impossible to leave in the back of an Uber.
EMBODIED, INC’S MOXIE: Being launched as ‘the world’s first AI robot for kids age 5-10’. The Black Mirror episode will (no doubt literally) write itself.
The best vegan steak bake ever is back
...And we're not just saying this because there are two Greggs near our office or that they sent us free ones.
A sushi steal
Ex-El Bulli chef Albert AdriaÌ has collabed with Sushi Shop and it’s only £26.90 for 21 pieces
Londoners, get your diaries out
You can mooch around the oldest building in Shoreditch. Namely The Clerk’s House, which adjoins St Leonard’s Church. It’s now an art space, Emalin’s second in the capital, and will have all kinds of great works being displayed until the middle of March. Preserved since 1735, it was once a watchhouse from which an invigilator looked out for body snatchers during east London’s tumultuous 18th and 19th centuries. So maybe do keep an eye out while wandering around.
Things That Will (Probably) Be Finished #1: Old Street Roundabout. Still to be avoided on Saturday nights, though.
Things That Will (Probably) Be Finished #2: Okay: this one is less likely than Old Street Roundabout. We’ve been told by lots of people who should know for about 2,312 years now that Hammersmith Bridge — the ‘Rihanna’s new album’ of London construction projects — will be reopened, but it’s remained shut since April 2019. Yes, sure, it’s a Grade II*-listed structure and there’s been problems procuring steel since the war in Ukraine and all that jazz, but also... it’s a bridge. China has built 13 airports in that time. Anyway, we are now told ‘early 2024’ is the new date, so fingers crossed. But to be honest, if we were a local resident we wouldn’t bet our massively devalued house on this being stuck to.
The sadly closing Glory is... reopening again as The Divine!
The Superloop bus route is going to be pretty much fully operational: with only the Canary Wharf to Grove Park bit not happening until 2025.
Coming to the West End...
Dr Strangelove: Armando Iannucci and Steve Coogan reviving the Kubrick classic is simply THE BOMB. From 8 Oct, NoeÌl Coward Theatre
The Devil Wears Prada: Elton is doing the music, that’s all you need to know. Buy your ticket now or be damned to eternal fomo. From 24 Oct, Dominion Theatre
The Handmaid’s Tale: Praise be, or more likely a trilling ‘blessed be the fruit’, as this is an English National Opera production. 1-15 Feb, London Coliseum
Soho is getting its swing back
After masses of plastic fantastic openings for the sake of redevelopment, London’s most debaucherous district is once again ready to live up to its reputation. Aside from rightly hyped new pub and restaurant THE DEVONSHIRE, THE LOWER THIRD now boasts a 4am licence, while freshly opened bars DRAM, WACKY WOMBAT and ATELIER COUPETTE offer sublime cocktails and even better vibes until the early hours. Soon, world-renowned Dalston bar THREE SHEETS will join them on Manette Street, after the father-son duo behind legendary member’s club Gerry’s give LOUCHE a suitably Soho revamp. Meanwhile, subterranean den BELOW STONE NEST now offers a side of jazz with your supper, and BAR LINA has quietly cropped up underneath Lina Stores. Oh, and did we mention that TRISHA’S was back? Just in case you missed it...
Rickshaws are getting banned
...thanks to some new legislation signed off by Rishi Sunak. Why is he not making more of this? It’s tide-turning, election winning stuff!
Some big birthdays in the capital
THE NATIONAL GALLERY TURNS 200: The capital’s most famous art gallery opened in 1824 and its masterpieces are going on tour to mark the occasion.
RONNIE SCOTT’S TURNS 65: Over the past 65 golden years, the legendary Soho jazz club has hosted megastars and monarchs from Prince to Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse to King Charles.
THE LONDON EYE TURNS 25: Formally opened on New Year’s Eve 1999, the Eye has 32 pods to honour London’s 32 boroughs.
GAY’S THE WORD TURNS 45: London’s oldest LGBTQ+ bookshop celebrates its 45th birthday this year — providing a haven for London’s queer community since 1979.
LONDON FASHION WEEK TURNS 40: From John Galliano to Alexander McQueen, Dame Vivienne Westwood to Stella McCartney, London has raised fashion greats and will toast 40 years next month.
CYBERDOG TURNS 30: The rave capital of Camden remains a must visit: even for those who wouldn’t be caught dead in fluro. Respect, too, for the notice above the spanking whips that reads: ‘Please test only on hands.’
Speaking of birthdays, it’s a leap year!
...Which means people born on 29 February can celebrate on their actual birthday for the first time in four years.
The bouncy blow dry is back
If you can’t get the hang of curling with a straightener and find the quite frankly preposterous number of different hair-shaping tools on offer nightmarish to navigate, 2024 is your year: the blow dry is making a comeback. Think soft, healthy plumes of hair artfully arranged around your face thanks to a classic round brush and hairdryer aÌ la 1990s Claudia Schiffer. Execute it at home using a fancy Dyson or, every hairdressers’ favourite, the Parlux. Alternatively, ask for big and bouncy at your hairdresser. Don’t forget to finish with a good cloud of Elnett (the hole in the ozone layer is ‘on the mend’).
Wins for the environment
Twenty-six cute Australian things are no longer at risk. The poor critters used to be edging extinction but have now recovered: with populations increasing.
Dead as a dodo? Not any more. Scientists are planning to bring the famously flightless bird back from extinction. US-based genetic engineering company Colossal Biosciences has partnered with the Mauritian Wildlife Foundation to introduce them to their natural habitat.
Space will be the place
Set your controls for the heart of the Sun — and the rest of the solar system. Nasa is heading to the Moon’s south pole in search of water, while China is off on a jaunt to its far side. Others are exploring Venus, Mercury and Jupiter, while the Parker Solar Probe will go closer to the Sun than ever before. Cosmic, dude!
Elvis finally comes to town (sort of)
The rock'n'roll legend might be dead, but the wonder of... okay, not you, but AI and holograms are reviving him for a world tour, kicking off at an as-yet-undisclosed central London location in November. Expect to be all shook up.
And finally, we won't hear anymore talk about...
Please, no more SALTBURN chat in 2024. The film’s Y2K costume can stay in 2023 too — at least for another decade — and its producer, Margot Robbie, can ditch the BARBIECORE while we’re at it. Although The Colour Purple is on the cards this year, the colour PINK and all things GIRL-IFIED are so over. BOWS included. Speaking of things you tie up, it’s time to stop making THREADS happen, Zuckerberg. ‘X’ isn’t going anywhere soon, but fortunately ex-home secretary SUELLA BRAVERMAN is not on the bill for 2024. Neither are SMALL PLATES, sorry Hackney-based restaurateurs, we’re not paying £100 for meals the size of our thumb any more. While we’re talking dining, BURRATA, ORANGE WINE and PICANTES can be left in the past. Okay fine, maybe not picantes, but don’t expect to find one at SOHO HOUSE — it’s stopped allowing new members in 2024 so you’ll be QUEUING till the new year (which is another thing we’ve stopped doing: QUEUING. Especially for baked goods).
