Samantha thought of her partner as the most progressive man she had ever had a relationship with. Her Swedish boyfriend seemed, to her, more feminist than many British men she had dated.
“I never had to ask him to clear up,” she says. “All our labour was shared. He had done therapy. He was happy to talk about his emotions.”
When they broke up, however, Samantha, who is in her 30s and based in Sheffield, saw a very different side to him. She recalls going to his flat to collect her belongings. “I got into a debate with him,” she says. “It became clear his beliefs had become centred around the idea that men are more sexual than women, and men and women can’t be friends.
“He said: ‘Now we are not together, I don’t need to agree with everything you say.’”
He told her he had become involved during the pandemic in what he described as a men’s mental health group. Samantha has since discovered the group was influenced by Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson, who has expressed controversial views about women, and a far-right Swedish influencer whom her ex-boyfriend had appeared with in photos on social media. “It’s that strand of the manosphere that is focused on self-help and spirituality,” she says. “The whole time we were together, there were no warning signs.”
Samantha’s experience is not an isolated case. Several women told the Observer their partners had been sucked into the manosphere – the name given to parts of the internet that circulate misogynist content – or consumed far-right material online.
With surveys reporting that an increasing number of young men are subscribing to these beliefs, the number of women finding that their partners share the misogynistic views espoused by the likes of Andrew Tate is also on the rise. Research from anti-fascism organisation Hope Not Hate, which polled about 2,000 people across the UK aged 16 to 24, discovered that 41% of young men support Tate versus just 12% of young women.
“Numbers are growing, with wives worried about their husbands and partners becoming radicalised,” says Nigel Bromage, a reformed neo-Nazi who is now the director of Exit Hate Trust, a charity that helps people who want to leave the far right.
“Wives or partners become really worried about the impact on their family, especially those with young children, as they fear they will be influenced by extremism and racism.”
His organisation supports women whose loved ones become involved in the manosphere or the far right, as well as the individuals themselves.
Bromage, who was involved in far-right groups for two decades, warns that the charity is seeing a “crossover” between those involved in the manosphere and the wider far right.
“Over the last few years, the rhetoric of the manosphere has increasingly leaked out of isolated forums on to mainstream platforms,” says Anki Deo, Hope Not Hate’s senior policy officer. “It has been taken up by influencers with a much wider audience and is no longer just a ‘dark corner of the internet’.”
Rachel, who is in her 30s and lives in London, met her partner on the popular dating app Hinge, and was struck by his generosity. He insisted on buying her gifts and giving her cash to spend. She thought her now ex-partner was a “normal, decent guy”. But as the relationship progressed, she began to feel uneasy as he forced more gifts on her. Four months into the relationship, she began to realise his political views were profoundly different from her own.
“I was talking about the gay community. He got aggressive with me,” Rachel recalls. “He was super homophobic – I didn’t know until then.”
A few days later, he interrupted an argument to show her a video of Tate. “I don’t think Tate fuelled him,” Rachel says. “He was always like that, but it validated his beliefs. He really liked the flashy lifestyle. He just had a lot of hatred.”
He became more controlling as the relationship unfolded, she recalls, complaining that she had male friends and a career. He argued that she shouldn’t be focused on work because it was his duty to provide for her.
The relationship ended after six months. His behaviour had escalated to the point where he raped and assaulted her, and was convicted of both offences after they broke up.
Dr Lisa Sugiura, associate professor in cybercrime and gender at the University of Portsmouth, who specialises in online misogyny, says that although there is widespread concern about men being radicalised by the manosphere, there is not enough focus on the “really concerning” risk these individuals pose to their female partners.
Commonly held views in the manosphere, says Sugiura, include being anti-feminist, thinking that misandry is equivalent to misogyny and believing society is systemically sexist against men. “They want to go back to this time where women had no rights in society at all and were completely owned by their father and then their husband.”
Debbie, who is in her 50s, says her ex-husband’s “mask started to slip” after they moved in together. “When I got a good job and started earning more money, passed my driving test and became more independent, that was when he started watching far-right and misogynistic content online,” she says.
Her husband was an avid fan of a YouTuber known for his misogynistic and Islamophobic views, and also consumed content from Christian militia groups, Debbie says.
“He put crucifixes all over the back of his van. The reason I knew what content he was viewing was because he would proudly talk about it in front of our kids.”
She says he told her that he hated feminists and the women’s liberation movement. Debbie also says he was violent towards her.
Roisin, from Belfast, says that after she broke up with her partner, he began subscribing to increasingly extreme views. She shares a daughter with him and says he has shown her manosphere videos and told her that she can’t leave the house in certain clothes.
“He has made derogatory remarks about other races and cultures in front of her,” Roisin adds. “And said: ‘If you ever got pregnant, I wouldn’t allow you to get an abortion.’”
Sugiura says that female partners of men sucked into the manosphere are being neglected by society. “I don’t think anybody is thinking about the impact on them. There is concern for these people who are being indoctrinated or radicalised by these harmful ideologies, but what is the risk to those in relationships with them?
“We need to ensure their voices and experiences are not forgotten.”
Names have been changed to protect identities
• Information and support for anyone affected by rape or sexual abuse issues is available from the following organisations. In Australia, support is available at 1800Respect (1800 737 732). In the UK, Rape Crisis offers support on 0808 500 2222. In the US, Rainn offers support on 800-656-4673. Other international helplines can be found at ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html
