To call the kerfuffle over this year's The X Factor lineup lengthy would be a profound understatement. Winter has turned into spring since Simon Cowell first wrinkled his nose at the prospect of all those transatlantic flights. Millions of babies have been born into a fog of uncertainty regarding Louis Walsh's position. Entire universes have been created and destroyed in the time it took ITV to pull its finger out and make anything like an official announcement.
But now we've all been gloriously, officially, finally put out of our misery. Simon Cowell is out, to tend to his American version of The X Factor. Dannii Minogue is out, for reasons that are still utterly perplexing. And now Cheryl Cole has been formally ruled out as well, which at least allows her to concentrate fully on delivering platitudes about hair products into a camera lens. Who'll take their place? Let's take a look at the brand new The X Factor judges ...
Gary Barlow
Profession: Singer, songwriter, chief executive of Take That Ltd. All-round sensible northerner. Desperate for a knighthood.
Obvious replacement: Natural leader? Rolling in money? Man boobs? Simon Cowell it is, then.
Judging style: Fair, open, honest. His contestants can relax in the knowledge that they're being looked after by one of the leading lights of the British music industry and, so long as he can keep the excruciating cod-psychology that he demonstrated during last year's Look Back, Don't Stare documentary to a minimum, he should prove to be a safe pair of hands.
What this means for The X Factor contestants: One lucky singer will get to perform The Flood alongside Take That during the live final. Or, as historically seems to be the case with Take That, three or four times every episode.
Kelly Rowland
Profession: Singer, occasional actor, official second-best one out of Destiny's Child. American.
Obvious replacement: Foreign? Slightly older? The brunt of constant unflattering comparisons to a more successful colleague or relative? She's just like Dannii Minogue.
Judging style: An unknown quantity. On the surface, Kelly seems like she'd be a happy, approachable mentor. On the other hand, when was the last time you actually heard her speak? Ages ago? Never? Perhaps her contestants would be well advised to learn semaphore.
What this means for The X Factor contestants: One lucky singer will get to perform with Beyoncé during the live final. One less lucky singer will get to perform with The Other One during the live final.
Tulisa Contostavlos
Profession: The one from N-Dubz who doesn't deserve to be locked in a cupboard forever.
Obvious replacement: She's pretty. She's feisty. She appears to listen to music that is less than five years old. She's the new Cheryl Cole.
Judging style: Remember when Cheryl Cole told Cher Lloyd "You are right up my street?" That, times a billion.
What this means for the The X Factor contestants: One lucky singer will get to perform with Dappy during the live final. Whoever it is will come last.
Louis Walsh
Profession: Pop manager, inventor of Jedward and Wagner, unkillable hellbeast from another dimension.
Obvious replacement: Louis doesn't replace anyone. Louis is permanent. Louis is like a mountain range or the sea bed, if mountain ranges and sea beds wore terrible bow ties and kept comparing people to Lenny Henry.
Judging style: Easy. Get an act. Make them do an medley of two stylistically unrelated songs. Incorporate a bongo interlude. Grin. Shout one of three congratulatory phrases at them when they finish while being downed out by the audience. Repeat.
What this means for The X Factor contestants: As ever, they're all screwed.
